The life of a Riley

2009-12-28T03:11:00.002+11:00

Holey cow long time no write. Thought I might give this whole blog thing another go as I need a bit of a venting post right now. Not that I think anyone reads my blog anymore. LOL..

Life has changed a whole lot. We sold the house at 4 Smyth Close which broke my heart but also gave me a chance for a new start. Feels so wierd knowing someone else is living in our little home that we built with so many dreams in mind.

I am now engaged though still married to Jamie. LOL Dont ask me if that is even legal. LOL. HIs name is Phillip and he has 4 beautiful kiddies. We have had a rough few months in and out of court against his ex and trying to get him to see his kids. There has been a lot of ups and downs and tears.

I have a lost a few freinds along the way and my mum and dad dont really talk to me either because of Phillip but I have just come to the conclusion that its my life and I need to live it how I want to. Roxy doesnt even talk to me anymore and its been a few months since we have really seen her. Its so sad and breaks my heart every day to know we are not worth it.

The kids are growing up sooo fast. Hollie has lost and gained 2 teeth. She is off to big school next year. So exciting.... Cant beleive how big she is... Thomas is a wild little boy with a beautiful personality and a huge heart..

Its 3am and the rain is teaming down on the roof. Smells and sounds sooo awesome.

Lets hope I can get back in to blogging....

2009-02-25T18:13:00.003+11:00

Well lots happening here again.....

Thomas turned two last week can you beleive it.. My precious little baby is 2. He had a lovely bday and got spoilt. Absolutely loved his scooter. It was a total hit.. Was a hard day for me. Jamie came over for lunch and cake but it just felt so wierd that we arent together.

Jamie has told me that we are over. He has met another girl and is getting to know her. Ive been begging him to come back and going totally insane and pyscho with jelousy. I cant control and it seems so god damn stupid. I went to counselling the other day which really helped and I have moved my focus back onto me. I have never been alone in my life. I have gone from relationship to relationship. I dont know how to be with myself, and how to love myself. I have so much work to do on this and I am really starting to look forward to the journey of finding me.

I went out with the girls on the weekend and had an awesome time. We had soo much fun. They make me laugh so hard and that feels really really good to have no worries and just laugh about stuff. I did have a little minor bump in the road during the night and rang jay with abuse and sent lots of text messages. I wont be doing this anymore though. Im moving forward.

My cousin is being induced at the moment with her first baby. Im so excited for her and her husband. What a new and daunting experience it will be for them. A new baby brings sooo many changes. I dont think we ever really connected after we had our kids. Sounds really wierd and ironic but now I think back, I think after Hollie was born we started to drift away. Maybe it was something to do with the extra responsibility and her being a difficult baby then starting the IVF for Thomas when she was 12 months and we were still dealing with her being a shit baby. Maybe we just took all too fast, and forgot about us along away.

Must go cause i have a kid free night and I dont feel the best so off to watch a dvd and chill out....

2009-01-22T22:20:00.003+11:00

Oh well here I am back in the land of the blog.... Can you beleive I have been AWOL this long.... NO...

Things are still a little complicated in my little ole life at the moment but hey im still here....

Jamie and I are still seperated.. Coming up to 6 months now. Still doing counselling and have just started some sessions together. We really havent been talking much of a late and its really quite wierd. It went from him still coming up every day to now nothing. He hasnt even really rang in the last 2 weeks to talk to the kids. He has been in Tamworth for baseball and we just see him when he picks the kids up... Very strange and not sure how I feel about it all.

A good thing that has happened is ive lost 13 kilos.... Been doing a shake diet for about 3 months and though the weight is slow to come off im happy with how it is going.. Only 17kilos to go to goal weight... Ive found that my stomach has shrunk so much that even if I do eat meals I can only eat half as much... Here is a before and after I made up to put on facebook.... ive actually lost another kilo since that after photo..
Last week was my bday and it was the most miserable day ever.. I was just soo low and emotional.. I cried from the time i woke up. Jay came and took the kids, I couldnt even function to dress the kids..... I got no presents, no cake, my car broke down and a heap of other shit happened that i cant talk about.... It totally sucked... LOL..

I also got a new car last week.. Was so sick of all the shit going wrong with my bomb and dad was too so dad paid to get me a car and im just paying him off what i would pay the bank... Pretty good car for what we paid.. Will have to get a photo of me with it.. Its a Hyundai sonata that has been so well looked after. Only has 90,000 klm on it and he just put 2 new tyres on it.. Electric windows ( ive never had those) LOL... SO far the kids have helped in keeping it tidy inside we will see how long that lasts... LOL..

I was working on a calendar at the end of last year with the local family support group.. God that worked out to be a HUGE job with lots of hours and long nights. I was sooo stressed out by the end of it I was glad to see it printed. Its been a huge success and lots of wonderful feedback about my photos. There was a launch at the local civic theatre with all the images on the big screen. I was interviewed for the local news which was a bit embarrassing. Mum and dad came to teh launch and kept telling me how proud they were of me so that was really nice.. I will upload some photos of the calendar another day...

Thomas and HOllie are growing like weeds.. Cant beleive miss Hollie is nearly 5.. WOW... Not sure how she feels about Jay and i seperating. She likes to say she hates me when she gets in trouble and start crying for daddy but other then that she doesnt seem to disturbed by it all. I think she prefers us not fighting all the time, and this way she actually gets to spend tim ewith daddy when he has weekends...

Thomas will be 2 in a couple of weeks. wahhhhhhh.. This time 2 years ago I was in hospital. Thats just flown by.. He is such a funny hilrious little person. I just adore him.. He loves to swing upside down from everthing, climbs everything, destroys everything.. LOL...

I dont want to have blog exhuastion from one post.. LOL.. so ill leave it at that and now try to keep up again.. Didnt mean to leave it so long but catching up kinda felt too hard at the time....

2008-10-22T18:58:00.002+11:00

Arent kids just sooo amazing.... ..
They are just little sponges..

I love the age Thomas is at. THe new things he is learning the funny things he does... He has a few new words, says Dora, cold, hot, pop, zahlia, door, bottle, bath, shower, tar, car... Before when I ran the bath he went and grabbed his ear plugs for me to put in for him. I love when they do stuff like that. He loves to unpack the table and is soo proud of himself when he puts things away. So so cute..

Today we ended up at hospital cause he had asthma attack. he was soo good while we were there. Poor little possum was really struggling. They wanted to keep him in but i begged to manage him at home. They said yes on the provado ( is that a word or did i just make it up) that if he needs nebs under 3 hourly he has to go back. We only just made the 3 hours last time but I think that the prendisone has kicked in now and he seems to be doing a lot better.

Hollie went with Daddy tonight just in case I had to head back to the hospital Shes really funny lately about our fighting. Whenever we start she tells me to zip it and stop it. She must be so sick of it. I try not to fight in front of them but its all we seem to do at teh moment..

I have had a rough few days with lots of crying. When i was really sobbing yesterday, Hollie came up to me and said " Mums arent supposed to cry" then was telling me just to breath in ohhhhhhhhhhhhh and out ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... HOw gorgeous is that. Kids are just so amazing sometimes...

Ive been going out a fair bit of late and getting a wee bit feral and doing idiotic things.. Im wondering if the alcohol has to do with the feeling really down. It happens usually the sunday monday Tuesday, so maybe it is a side effect of alcohol and anti depressents.

I must update more often. Its so therupeautic writing down the thoughts that are going through my mind. Lots of stuff I need to put on a private journal though cause I hold back on what i write in here at times and I really need to get the stuff out there...

BFN

2008-10-10T21:05:00.002+11:00

Here come the tears... Today is fall apart day....

I just dont know what to do. I feel like im stuck in limbo. Jay and I just cant talk to each other. Its so sad cause we were so in love once. I just want us back to how it used to be.

I feel so alone. I feel so unloved. My heart hurts.....

I dont know how this is going to end up. I really want to be a family again. I dont want my kids having to spend xmas in two places.

Hollie asked jay earlier if we can have a family lunch tommorrow. HOw sweet. Today while i sobbed she wrapped her little arms around me and told me it would be ok.....

2008-09-28T12:45:00.002+10:00

Ok time to update ( i keep getting an ear bashing).. LOL..

Hollie is driving me insane.. LOL.. HOw will i cope with another year of her at home. She is bored I think and I kinda of try and avoid having to entertain her ( bad bad mummy) I just seem to have so much else to do then play ( thats really bad isnt it :( ).

She had allergy testing re done on Friday to see if she had grown out of any. I was really hoping the peanut allergy was gone.. Its actualy over doubled... I could have cried. She has grown out of soy and shellfish, but now has an allergy to hazlenut, cashew, really bad one to cats and 2 types of dust mite. He said the allergen things in her nose were soooo swollen. SHe could hardly even talk she was so blocked up when we saw him so I gues that was a good thing.. She is now on Zyrtec for at least 6 weeks, Nasonex nasal spray and fess nasal spray twice a day to try and take the swelling down. I also have to get her a new mattres and matress cover to try and control the dust mites. This could be one of the reasons she cant sleep.... Lets keep our fingers crossed.

Thomas is a bloody funny child... Just hilarious. Full of life and personailty. His talking has just come along so much since the grommits went in. His favourite thing to say is "oh god" and he says Mum, dad, nan, pop, more, zahlia ( freinds baby) and I think he said cold the other day. SOO cute... He wanted me to put him on the toilet the other day. Im not ready for my baby to toilet train.. LOL... He thinks its hilarious sitting up there. Doesnt do anything till he gets off and I put nappy back on but he obviously knows what its for cause he pats his butt and gets me to put him up there.

He also decided he wanted his hair up yetserday. LOL bought me a hair band and brush and pulled his hair up on top to show me what he wanted. LOL.. DAG.. He is so cuddly and loves to snuggle his mumma. Just such a beautiful little boy but such a rougue as well. Loves to run on the raod and climb and have me chase after him as he escapes from the maccas play room once the door is opened.. Nearly gives his godmother a heart attack...lol.

Jay and I are still seperated... 6 weeks today.. OMG thats crazy. We were getting on well then we kinda got snappy again ( did coincide with PMT though)... Friday night he got really pissed and couldnt work saturday morning so Im really really really mad about that. THe amount of times i have asked him to take a satruday morning off so we can go away for the weekend and he carries on like I asked him to cut of his leg. then he drinks too much and cant work... ARGH...

Lastnight I went to the movies with Rox and watched Baby mama.. It was pretty good and I was sooo nodding my head at the start with a lot of the stuff. Roxys eyes nearly popped out of her head when they implanted the embryo with the big long catheter thing, when i told her thats really how big it is.. LOL.. too funny. Zahli bear came with us and she was sooo good she sat wide eyed and watched the movie. Party animal she is.. LOL.

THursday was Father in laws anniversary of his death. I just cant get my head around the fact it was a year ago. I was supposed to go out to a fundraiser thing but I chose to go and have dinner with Jay, his mum and sister and the kids. Was nice but very wierd knowing what we had been doing the previous year.

In very sad news Sister in law and her Hubby broke up yesterday. They were married 4 days after her dads death. The year has been hard and long for them and He finally made the split yesterday. Tommorrow is there one year anniversary of marraige so Its going to be a really tough day for sal... I think it will be for the best but I know how hard it is to get your head around it.....

I photographed a gorgeous wedding in Narrabri last weekend. Still going through all the photos. The bride was sooo gorgeous.. Ill pop some on here when im done....

Have to add this hilarious photo of Thomas.. This stretch sticker is off Hollies new top. She gave it to Thomas and look where he stuck it.. LOL.. He is just too funny. Check out how funny he thought it was when i grabbed the camera.. LOL.

2008-09-17T19:05:00.002+10:00

Just running through to show this pic.... I took the second pic of Thomas yesterday and it looks exactly like my favourite pic of him when he was in the SCN....

2008-09-14T12:54:00.004+10:00

Went out last night with the girls from playgroup for dinner. Was a nice night with no kids and being able to sit and talk and eat your meal in peace. THe girls all piked out and went home so I went to the regal on my own. VERY SAD i know.. Danced a fair bit and caught up with an old freind who is actually getting married next weekend. I love dancing but gee I feel so old with all the 18 year olds. I feel so fat and frumpy and blergh..... I got home at about 2:30, cranked teh music, cracked a beer and had a party on my own. LOL.. Finally got to bed at 4am.

Jay bought the kids back at 11am. Thomas was so excited when he saw me through the screen door. Was kinda like he had forgotten me and then saw me and realised I still existed. Was really cute. He looks so grown up even after just 2 days.. Where has my baby gone.

Jay and I have actually been quite nice to each other today and a few cuddles. He is asleep on the lounge at the moment.....

Here is a few photos of the kiddies I took a couple of weekends ago....

2008-09-12T23:03:00.002+10:00

Jay has the kids until Sunday. I didnt really want Thomas to go for 2 nights cause I have never been apart from him before but Jay said I had to let go.....

Im lost

Its been a really hard week. I feel like my heart just keeps breaking over and over again...

Lots of panic attacks and feeling so so heavy hearted... I feel like im hurting all over. Im trying so hard.....

2008-09-04T20:36:00.008+10:00

Started some emotional release counselling today. Was in there for over 2 hours. LOl. I did something called sandplay where you play wiht your hands in the sand until you form something. You just let your mind run free and your hands go where they want to. Then you select some symbols from the cabinet and place them on your sand art. The symbols I chose were a pg transparent lady with a baby in her belly, A grim reaper, a statue of people ebracing and a naked women. We talked about what these meant in my life and what they symbolise. Its very interesting.

In the session we also talk about our own birth. It is thought that the process of our birth can have a huge imapct on our life. If the birth was long and difficult we may have felt hopeless and like there was no way back and no way forward. Hard to explain but so interesting...

Jamie took Hollie tonight for a sleepover.. She misses him so much. Poor Thomas Fell off the treadmill tonight. he was swinging on it like a monket and fell and smacked his mouth. It wasnt as bad as it could have been......

Heres a few pics I took last week in the park.. and a couple of hols new hair cut.

2008-09-03T20:59:00.004+10:00

OK i really need to update....

Jamie and I are still seperated. Im not sure what is going to happen or how it will work out in the end. Last week when i walked out of my counselling session he was waiting in the waiting room for his session and when he saw me he burst in to tears. He said he was ok till he saw me. We hugged and had a little talk and then I left so he could go to his session. Im not sure if it helped or not.

I have been making a really huge effort to fix the things he is saying that are the reason he goes out drinking and doenst want to be around me. I dont feel like he has made any effort. The frist weekend after he moved out, he went out. I had a huge panic attack and rang his mums looking for him and she said he was out. That was at 2am. I was so hurt.

On the weekend I had to work taking some photos and then I went out. Jays mum had the kids when i first left and he was supposed to take over after baseball. He never turned up. I saw him at the regal and he tried to dirty dance with me. We had a few fights and tehn he dissapeared. At the end of the night i tried to find him and he was gone so I thought he had just gone back to my house where the kids were but when i got there his mum hadnt seen him. She was a bit worried about him I think, but when she got home in the morning he had gone back there.

Today we have just fought and fought. Im so angry I just want to slap him. He says that he is seperated so he should be able to go out when ever he wants. But then says that I need to change my ways before he comes back. So why doesnt he have to change his ways for me.. I dont get it and im starting to get to the point that I just want it over and I can think about moving on.

The kids finally had there grommits done on monday. Ended up getting htem done together. Wasnt too bad. Was kinda hard when I had thomas in recovery screaming and I had to go in to theatre bay with Hollie to send her off to sleep. Thomas woke up scremaing his ring out so they gave him some morphine and they gave it to Hollie before she came out. She didnt agree with it all that well and vomited a few times and had the itches. Overall it wasnt too bad. VERY tiring but ok. My friggin car broke down on the way to the hospital at 6:30am which is just my luck.. LOL.. Heres a few pics dad took at the hospital.

2008-08-18T21:25:00.002+10:00

I had to come back to town today to do a talk about a calander im taking photos for. Its on tommorrow but with Agquip on I didnt want to have to leave Tamworth an hour earlier to get here in time with all the extra traffic.....

So the kids and I are home and Jay has left and gone to his mums.. Feel a bit sad and lonely now.

Tried to find out about some counselling.. Looks like we will have to go to Tamworth. Nothing available here. Really think we need to get some help to work through all this. We just keep blaming each other and noone is going forward.

He says its me that has driven him away.

He rekons I dont treat the kids well and I yell at them.

He doesnt realise how hard it really is to be a SAHM with them 24 hours a day. I never get a break, I never get to just not have to worry about them for 5 minutes, I never get to go to the dunny on my own or do my excercise without someone climbing all over me, or have a shower without someone pulling hte door open saying MUUUUUUMMMMMMMMM.... SUre I love my kids but do I really have to LOVE being with them every second.

Feeling a bit lonely now.

Hollie just asked to go ring daddy to say she loves him.......The kids dont quite love me as much they love there dad. I guess because he is a novelty and they only see him sparodically, Im just a part of the furniture to them....

2008-08-18T09:00:00.002+10:00

Well I did it.. I left and went to mums....

Jay wouldnt Leave even after I packed his siht and through it out the front....

I just cant deal with the drinking and erratic behaviour. I DO want to be a family again, I just want him to work through his problems. Dad wants me to pack my shit and just get out of there, but I dont want that for my kids. They love there dad and he does love them. It could be a lot worse and sometimes I feel like im just over reacting but I dont want to live like this. Its not fair on any of us....

I cant really devulge what fully went on the other night but its just not acceptable..

I am fine, the kids are fine and dont really know whats going on. Im too mad to be sad about it all..

2008-08-03T10:16:00.000+10:00

well so much for the great start.. Jay got home some time after 3am... SO over it..

2008-07-29T12:25:00.002+10:00

OOHHH just coming in to record my measurements... Still not really dropping weight though...

...........Start/18.july /29.Jul/
Bust 123.5 /120 /118
Waist 109 /107 / 102
Abs 117 /115 / 114
hips 119 /117 / 115
Thighs 74/ 68.5 / 65

That is an overall cm loss of 14.5cm since last time.. AWESOME .... LOL.. i feel my legs are smaller but not much else. When I see my naked body in the mirror I still nearly vomit.. LOL..

Had to do MIL about the LO not being published on the weekend.. She asked was it in soon cause she had to buy a couple of copies of the mag for people.. I was soo embarrassed telling her it wasnt going to be in.... Next time ill know not to tell anyone till I get the payment.. LOL...

The Milnes are on there way home at the moment. yeeahhhhh Cant wait to see them and meet baby Zahlia. ..

I have some studio photos I took of baby Jack but Ive used all my download and its just wayyyy too slow....

Jamie and I have been really making an effort in getting our relationship back on track. Its going Ok so far but I guess we will see if it goes back to the old ways.

2008-07-20T19:56:00.002+10:00

What can I say... Today has been a very emotional day...

Jay promised me he would be home from the pub at 9pm lastnight cause Thomas and I are soo sick.... He got home at 3am the drunkest i have ever seen him. I tried to ring him and of course No answer... Asked him to leave this morning and he put it all back on me. Its all my fault... I have nowhere to go so I cant leave. Id had enough and as sick I was I got up and had a shower and got dressed and went out for a bit. I had a look in target, picked up a gorgeous little boys 00000 suit and burst in to tears. WEnt and sat in teh car and bawled...

Went to the pub Then left there and sat in the car and bawled. Then went to Maccas, sat and read the paper then got in the car and bawled. THen I came home. My house that was clean was trashed..

I just cooked tea in my very sick state and noone ate it except me. Jay said he is too sick ( really hungover) and i just lost it and went in to bed and cried.... I give up.....

2008-07-18T21:40:00.008+10:00

Oops life got in the way of blogging again.. LOL..

Lots been happening in the last few weeks.....

Weightloss Still only lost 3 kilos but least I havent gained.. I know ive lost weight in my face and ive lost it in cms.. Here is my starting cms and my current

Start/ today
Bust 123.5 /120
Waist 109 /107
Abs 117 /115
hips 119 /117
THighs 74/ 68.5

OMG check out the difference in each of my thighs. No wonder my jeans feel lose in the legs.. YAY...

Babies
Roxy and cameron, Tneesha, Dakota and Kadence welcomed there new little sister into the world on the 15th of July. Zahlia Paige was 7 pound 12.5 ounces, and from the pictures I have seen absolutely beautiful. Cant wait for them to head back here next week. After 2 whole months away from home I bet they cant either..
TOday Faith and Bob, Blake, Pheobe and Charlie welcomed in there little brother Jack. He was 9 pound 1 and 52cm long. I was only just out on my predictions.. LOL... Cant wait to go and visit him and she is coming here on her way home from hospital for a photo shoot. LOL.. Cant wait.

Ears POor Thomas has more ear infections. Had the worst temp on sunday night EVER. I just couldnt get it to drop. God love him. He had his hearing test on Wednesday and she said that he has severe hearing loss. He should be able to hear at 10 decibles and he is hearing at 90 decibles. No wonder the poor little man doesnt talk. Hopefully we will be getting the grommits next month.
I also took Hollie to the GP on Tuesday cause I thought she had a urinary infection but that was negative. While we were there dr looked in her eyes and said she has glue ear as well and suggested grommits for her as well. I have noticed that her speech has become more mumbled, she talks much louder, and doesnt hear us as much as she used to so hopefully it will help...

work I have been so busy with photoshoots the last few weeks. I even did a 4 week old that was on holidays from queensland. She rekons she is coming back for xmas photos LOL.. Im just trying to look for a supplier to do up my block mounts for me. Id love to have a few on display. I have a wedding in September that I am kind of looking forward to doing, even though I swore I wasnt doing them any more. LOL.

Scrapbooking Still really down about the magazine rejection. I havent had the guts to tell Mother in law yet cause I think she was really proud of me, and the fact it was such a special LO to her I just cant tell her.. Ive been trying to do some more scrapping but I always feel like im missing something to finish a page off.

Heres teh last one I did. Its really bizzare but I used to have this thing about HAVING to do my pages in order. Im over it now and I think i like doing them out of order much better. Gives you variety..

Lots of the Eb scrapping girls are meeting up at a big scrap retreat. Sounds fantastic. I bet they have a ball. Cant wait to see pics and hear all about it..

Thomas beside the ear problems, he is just a gorgeous little boy. I adore him soo much. He loves to cuddle and comes up and throws his little arms around my neck. I just love kissing his gorgeous baby skin and smelling him. He likes to chuck a good tantie and loses his temper at his sister. Loves to throw a punch back at her when she is picking on him. Nothing more beautiful then sibling rivalry. LOL.

Even though he cant hear very well he is good at following directions and I have noticed that I do actually talk to his face and point things out when I talk to him without even realising Im actually doing it. His beautiful little smile lights up a room and I get a lot of comments about how gorgeous it is...

He is sooo good at feeding himself. I love to watch how he uses the fork and spoon and shovels it in then see how proud he is of himself. He is a good little eater ( except for today)

When we ask him where his belly button is he lifts up his shirt and cracks up laughing. This was what he was doing in this pic. SOOO funny.

Hollie This kid was sent to challenge me. I find each day sooo hard and just cant wait for the night time. She constantly fights with me, wont do as I tell her, throws massive tantrums. I just dont know what to do. I hope these grommits make a difference to her behaviour and her sleep. I just cant take the sleep shit anymore. Its ridiculous. She ends up in bed with me every night and jay goes to the lounge. Then she tosses and turns and talks and carries on all night.

She has been sooo bored these holidays without Roxy and kids here and asking me everyday who can come over. Today she finally had a freind over and she was sooo nasty and mean to her and wanted her to go home in the first 5 minutes. I gve up. I dont know what to do anymore. She just frustrates the hell out of me.

But then she is also so beautiful sometimes. I love when she thanks me for cooking her tea or making her breakfast. She tells me that she loves me all teh time and gives me great big cuddles. She calls Thomas "buddy". I love when she says, "cmon little buddy"...

My Marraige THis is a post I put on EB about our relationship at the moment. I think it has improved slightly since I posted this but He is at the pub tonight and I know he will be there tommorrow night.

I dont know where to start really .. DH and I have been fighting a lot lately as he has been going off and doing his own thing all the time. He says he doesn't want to be here cause I'm a b**ch so would rather be out, And i'm a b**ch cause I just want him to help me out a bit.. I am so so so tired. Emotionally and pysically. I just need some support...

Dh works 8:30 to 6pm each day. This week he went to a baseball meeting straight after work at another town an hour away and got home at 11pm.. Wed night, went to baseball training then the pub, so got home after I did all the kids to bed stuff.. Friday HAD to go to the pub to do the raffles, got home at 11pm. Today we went to baseball was a nice day with the kids and stuff and now he is out on the town, blind as a bat, NFI when he will come home... I had to bring the kids home on my own, both fell asleep in the car and I had to carry them in, then they woke screaming and carrying on cause they are overtired and cold. Im really p*ssed off.. I dont want this life. I was with an alcoholic for 5 years. DH actually spent more time with me and did less drinking before we had kids.

Last week He went straight to the pub from work on the Friday night and told me he would be home at half time in the footy.. He had driven to the pub. When it got to 12am i started to worry and called his mobile 37 times and left 5 messages asking could he just please ring me or message me to say he was ok. He got home at 4am... Im just so over it... If I say to him come home and ill give you some lovin he never turns up.. Whats that say...

My dad never went to the pub and always stayed home and worked around the yard. I guess I just have high expectations. When he is home he just lays on the lounge. Every night he pretty much goes to sleep on the lounge.

I have 2 kids that don't sleep through. I'm totally exhausted.

Am I overreacting and Should I just let him have his fun. He thinks im just a stuck in the mud and I dont want him to have fun.. A few weeks ago we went out together and had a really great time. Cant that be enough drinking and carrying on for awhile..... I just feel like giving up and letting him do what ever he wants....

..........................................................................................................................................................

I got some great replies and sent them to Jamie. He was NOT happy of course and tol me he doesnt care what any other husband does or what any other wife thinks.. NOICE...

AGGHHHH Thomas crying.... So thats a wrap...... WOnt be so long in between posts next time..

2008-07-01T13:22:00.002+10:00

ARGGGHHH i have been so sick... Ended up in hospital on a drip yesterday. Had been vomiting non stop since Sunday night and couldnt even keep gastrolyte down. Was so dehydrated. They wanted me to stay in but I talked them in to giving me the fluids then reviewing me and sending me home.. THANK GOD. Those hospital beds are soo uncomfy. Thank god for Janelle. She came and had my kids for me while her kids were at daycare. I felt so awful cause she had to take them to her drs appointment with her. I dont know what I woudl have done without her. Everytime I vomited before Janelle got here Hol was freaking out, and Thomas just wantd to play in it... GROT..

Had weigh in yesterday and I guess I had a bit of help from the vomiting but I lost 3kgs this week ( this is going off my dodgy scales though.. I need some good ones..) I have gone pretty good with my eating but I havent quite done as much excercise as I would have liked. I find it really hard to fit it in with everything else and the treadmill is impossible to get on with the kids..

I was wondering if anyone knows a way of working out how many calories are in foods that you cook yourself like biscuits and slices and muffins and stuff......

My other news is that I received my Layout back from scrapbooking memories saying they arent publishing. Im so shattered and embarrassed. Ive told everyone about it going in and my family were only raving on about it on the weekend and wanted me to send them copies of the magazine. I just feel like such an idiot... :(....

2008-06-29T20:48:00.006+10:00

Big day today.. Did a family photo shoot this morning which was lots of fun, then got home and got the kids organised and headed to the park to meet up wiht my auntys to say goodbye to aunty Kim, who is moving back to Goulburn. Bit sad to see them go again.. Took a heap of photos of everyone with nan as well ( just in case its the last time they are togehter) my other aunty is down as well. ...

We have no money this week till Wednesday and we have no food. I dont know what we are going to eat for tea the nexxt few nights.. GRRR. probably pikelets. Im sick of this shit...

Anyway here is a few piccies of me and the kids. Kinda feel bad about how many photos I take of Thomas, but Hollie just isnt into posing and Thomas is just sooo easy to photograph... LOL. Dont you just love thomas Sad face.. TOO funny

2008-06-28T20:34:00.000+10:00

So pissed off with Jay at the moment... He never came home after work lastnight and just went to the pub and said he would be home at half time in the footy. Well he never got home till 3am. I called his phone 37 times and left 5 messages. He never answered. God it makes me soo mad. He thinks I am being unreasonable by being pissed.... WTF... He also said that he always thought I wanted kids and he rekons I treat them like they are a burden... WTF>. Im so hurt by that...

Anyway.................................. Hols and I did some baking off some gingerbreads. We actually made some for Roxy, Tneesha and Koda wh are in SA at the moment but they have nearly all been eaten. Poor Hollie has her mothers binge eating habits..

2008-06-25T13:46:00.000+10:00

Blew the calorie budget today by 180 calories... Bloody sausages I had for tea... GRRR..Could have evened it out if I got on the treadmill for 30 minutes but I was soo unmotivated. I tried to get on there earlier in the day and the kids tormented me and I only got 5 minutes in before I blew my stack with them.. GRR.

Here is a mini album I made for Roxy to take back to Adelaide with her of her boy ( thomas).. She is having her baby in about 10 days.. Very exciting. I cant wait to meet her...

2008-06-23T19:04:00.002+10:00

I am Joining Jodi's new challenge of losing 50 pounds ( 22 kilos) in 50 weeks. It starts today.

Just weighed myself and the scales say 91 kilos. Im on day 2 of Period too and I always weigh more that day...... I do have my measurements somewhere ill find the piece of paper and put them down..

Ill be using Calorie King website to help me with my calorie intake..

i have an allowance of 1660 calories a day... Im gonna sit down tommorrow and read back through it and work out how long I have to do on the treadmill for weight loss.....

Wish my luck.... Be back tommorrow with some photos....

2008-06-22T10:17:00.000+10:00

HOley crap.. Me have hangover... Didnt get home till 5am. Havent done that for like about 9 years or something.. LOL......

Had a ball, I love dancing. Makes me feel so free and young. ALthough i feel so old with all the girls at the regal. LOL.. I saw about 5 of the girls that used to be in my brownie group when I was a leader. GEEZ it made me feel old....

My fantastic freind Fiona offered abotu an hour before we had to go out to watch my kids. I was taking them with me to the 50th we went to and would have had to come home early. I wasnt looking forward to it. This beautiful friend packed up her kids and came and stayed the night and told me to stay out as long as I wanted. HOw nice is that. She then got up with my kids in the morning told me to go back to bed and she took them out.... SHe is a darling. Freinds like that are really worth gold.......

Kaysie

2008-06-18T20:45:00.004+10:00

OMG long time no write.. Been a bit flat out around here. Between hospital visits and photo shoots..

Hols had another really bad asthma attack. Was quite scary. After being on nebuliser 3 times her oexygen was still at 88. God I hope she grows out of it.. Today she had to go physio to be assessed after the OT at preschool noticed her problems with balanace and confidence in outside play. The physio was fantastic. Its really hard to explian what she told me, but she talked about the fact that on Hollies left side her part of the brain that works out senses doesnt really work properly. She was showing me by touching Hollies right arm in 2 spots and making her point out where she touched ( which she could) then asking her by doing the same on the left but she always only pointed out one spot. Her brain couldnt register that there was two spots. She also finds it hard to copy patterns with her left arm... It was really interesting. WE just have to play a lot of games to help teach her brain those things. Physio also wants a back xray because her muscle tone is really tight and brisk..

Thomas is the wild boy from borneo still. His ear drum perforated the other day again. Poor little cherub. Im so worried that his hearing is going to be so affected. Still not really speaking though he says dare ( there) and go. Thats about it really. Loves to climb on the table and yesterday i found every peice of fruit in the fruit bowl with a chunk missing. Made me mad but was piss funny as well.

Few weekends ago I got to go out and get a bit pissy. How exciting for me.. I never get to go have fun. I had a great time. we went out with sal, lil, daniel, and mick. I was a tad stupid though and went swimming at 1am.. LOL.. HOl was still awake (grr) and was watching her mother be a dick head.. LOL...YOu get that..

I cant think of anythign else right now, surely my life has to be a bit more interesting then that..

Oh im joining jodis weightloss challenge 50 pound in 50 weeks... hmmm will see how i go, would love to lose it a lot quicker then that. Im the most unpatient person. I want it to happen now or never. LOL. Went and did aerobics on monday and did way too much and hurt my already suffering back. Went off to chiro today and he rekons I shouldnt do it again but I think ill just take it easier next time.

Ok so I thought i might show off a few of my latest shoots, cause they are allllll gorgeous kiddies...

This bubba claire is 12 days old..... Just devine little thing.

Ill just show my story board of this little guy Aidyn and Ill show a few of the others next time..

2008-05-23T21:15:00.003+10:00

I receieved an email today from Scrapbook memories, accepting my Layout of Ian and Thomas for the mag... Im so excited.... I cant believe it. I just hope when they see it in real life they dont reject it.. LOL.

2008-05-18T12:44:00.001+10:00

I have seen this video before a few times but someone ( hey sal) just linked me to it again and it just cracks me up so I gotta put it on here... My kids arent at the piano playing and school bus stage yet but I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sit here with my head nodding and laughing..

2008-05-17T21:01:00.001+10:00

I just remembered I took a photo of HOllies eye.... It shows how her left one goes up but the right one doesnt. You can see why I thought it was her left eye that was the problem.

2008-05-17T20:34:00.004+10:00

HUGE CONGRATS to my mate Sandy..... So excited for her...

Just got back from Tamworth had to take HOls to pead yesterday.. I HATE the peads in this bloody region.. GRRR ... Sick of being shrugged off about her reflux....

.

2008-05-12T20:13:00.005+10:00

Took Missy miranda ( HOllie) off to the eye specialist... She has a thing called browns syndrome. I thought it was actually her left eye turning wierd but its the fact that her right eye doesnt really move up.... Cant do anything about it unless its affecting her vision ( which it isnt at this point). We are having her eyes rechecked in 4 monhts just to make sure they are ok still....

I have NO idea what we are going to do about money.. I think im gonna have to go get a night job. I cant afford to pay for daycare if I only work part time and Im not getting enough photo shoots to keep us going. This week we have ZLICH for food. We have nothing in the freezer, and nothing in the fridge. I tried to take money out of the kids accounts today to grab some food but I there birth cert havent been recorded so I cant get it out till I show those. Hopefully ill do that tommorrow so I can get some food... I cant beleive how hard we are doing it at the moment. Have been looking in to getting the real estate to come up and price our house, and then maybe go back to something older maybe or rent if we can find something cheaper. Its not like we have a massive loan compared to some people, but we are struggling soo much.

I have been thinking about wanting another baby..If we could do the whole pregnancy thing naturally without having to worry about the suture and high risk pg as well, we would be TTC now... It just friggin frustrates me that shit has to be so bloody complicated...

dad bought over Hols bed that he made for her.... It looks awesome. She fell out of it lastnight while trying to come up to our bed though.. LOL.. Thatll serve her right, she should stay in her own bed. LOL.. pretty crappy pic but you get the idea..

When I got out of the shower this morning I bloody found Thomas up on top of it.. GRR little monkey....

Finally got Word back on my computer after like 8 momhts without it.. Was driving me crazy not being able to open my word files or use my spreadsheets... When I went back through I found this thing about my life before Jamie. Ive changed the Exs name to John.. LOL.. ( you know like in thats life where they protect the privacy).

The life I am living now, is very different to the life I was living 8 years ago. I left the family nest at 16 , after I wagged school and was arrested in a drug bust. The nun at my “catholic” school was not at all impressed and expelled me. My parents were ( as you can imagine) also not impressed and after a huge altercation I packed my bags and left. I moved into a flat with a group of blokes and before long was “hooked” up with one of them.

John* and I had a lovely relationship. We drank, smoked, did drugs, stole things and just bummed around waiting for the dole cheque each week. He was in and out of jail all the time. I got to a point where I decided I didn’t want that lifestyle anymore and I started looking for work and cleaned myself up. John was an alcoholic and drug addict and I was helping him support his habit. I would work all day and spend my nights following him around until he finally passed out.

I poured all my heart and soul into this relationship. I loved him with all my heart. I wanted to change him, and felt that I was sent to change him. I wanted a life like others had, with a partner that worked, didn’t waste there pay on alcohol, had a car and a license.

Johns verbal abuse had been happening for a long while, but then other things started to happen. I had a mirror smashed over my head, I was doused in petrol and my dog was killed in a jelous rage. He slit his wrists in front of me, saying that it was my fault he was doing it. How could I, the strong, confident, happy, determined women be letting this happen to me.

I started to realise that I deserved more then this. I wanted to feel loved and appreciated, so I started having a few affairs. Jamie ( dh) was a work mate who I had befriended. Things started to happen between us, but I just didn’t have the strength to end it with John. He needed me. My heart and head were in constant confliction over what was right for me. The last straw came when John took a knife to my throat during one of his drinking binges. At that moment, I realised, that my life was on the line here. I DID deserve something better.

It didn’t just become ok overnight. When Jamie finally moved in with me we faced another stage of the abuse. John harassed us no end. He did $2500 damage to Jamies car. He came past our house every night yelling threats of putting Jamie in hospital. I was terrified. My dad came and stayed one night to keep watch so I could sleep. I was a nervous wreck.

I developed severe panic disorder, depression and had a breakdown 2 years after this all happened. I was told it was post traumatic stress from my relationship with John and the consequences of when I broke up with him.

My life has changed so much, and when I think about who I used to be, I just cannot imagine it. I cant imagine being in that place and in my head. I look at photos of me back then and it just makes me so sad. I look happy on the outside but I was so lonely on the inside. When I tell people about it they struggle to comprehend that I let that happen to me.

2008-05-05T20:16:00.003+10:00

OMG My sweet daughter has turned into a monster with attitude.. LOL... She has done nothing but winge and moan and winge some more... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. The other day when I was testing out the filters on my studio lights I asked her to stand there so I could test soemthing...When I looked back over the photos I couldnt beleive this one of her...
IVF clinic rang today chasing some money for storage.. The lady asked me what we were going to do with the ebmryos and I said one hopefully use them. She pointed out that if we got them transferred we wouldnt need to pay the current bill and would avoid the next instalment going on and it would actually be cheaper to do a transfer with them then store them once we got our medicare money back. The only problem is that we have to coem up with the money first.. HMM what to do...

I received soem gorgeous flowers on Saturday from the gorgeous girls from my mothers group. They were to cheer me up and gee it worked, they are soo beautiful and smell devine. I also got a pack of lavendar bath stuff..

better go keep doing the nightly tidy..

2008-04-29T13:44:00.004+10:00

A few scrapping pages I have done ( was about a month ago but Im slack)....

2008-04-26T13:21:00.000+10:00

AHHH school is back... YAY.. I love preschool... House is quite. THomas is asleep and its just heaven.

Kids are ok, Thomas on new antibiotics and he seems to be making a lot more noises and stuff. So thats pretty exciting... Hols has the cast off and is being a cheeky brat..

Jay and I have been fighting realy bad for about 2 months now. WE just cant get on. I think I resent him for still having the same life before kids. He just does his own thing and I am the parent all the time. It doesnt seem fair..

Last Wednesday night he rang me after work and said that Daniel wanted him to go to the pub for a drink cause he needed to talk to him. Ok so one drink is fine....

At 7pm Jay rings me and says he is leaving his car at work and will get a lift home at 8:30. Was crying as he was telling me that Daniel is moving away. It got to 11pm and he wasnt home. Sent him amessage and got one in return saying.. Sorry babe ill be home soon..

The kids wouldnt settle so at 12:30am I put them in to bed with me and went to sleep. At 2:30am a huge bang on the front door, I didnt know who the hell it was so freaked out. It ended up being Jays mate Daniel. He said Jay didnt want to walk home so he was sleeping at work. He never came home at all... I was in shock I just couldnt beleve it. He didnt even come up home in the morning for a shower... It just shattered me..... Anyway we will see where the next month or so takes us and see if we can get back on track...

One of my ex boyfreinds is back in town.... AHHHH He was my first BIG love. THe one I left home for. Just what I need back in my life right now... LOL.. He has custody of his 12 year old son and has moved back here..

The kids and I went to the drs the other day. I have to be tested for diabetes, Sugars are high, bp is high.. ARGGHHH jsut what I need.. I also got bit by a spider last week... Mentioned to dr about Hollies eye that turns. He gave us a referal to Optemtrist. WE got straight in and they have referred her to an eye specialist. The referal said Muscle palsy so not sure what that means..

Took the kids to the show.. They had a ball.. heres afew happy snaps..

This PP jacket she has on I scored from vinnies for $2.. I love it, its so warm and its like new. I love a bargain. LOL

2008-04-17T08:19:00.011+10:00

Sweet Hollie turned 4 on Tuesday.. Holey dooley that went sooo fast.... Its scary...

She had a nice bday with freinds coming and going all day to wish her a happy bday> It was her last day with the plaster on her arm, cause the next day they decided to take it off. It still looks pretty odd to me and even in the xray the bone didnt look straight.. Guess im not expert.

Here is the yummy icecream cake I made. And some pics of HOls and her little freind koda.. .
We had a cake at nan and pops house in the night time. My parents just adore Hollie. Its so nice to watch them together..
Couple of funny things to note down before I forget. Cant wait for Hol to be able to read through all the funny things she says when she is older.

Hol just said... Dad wasnt very nice lastnight was he mum, he was talking crap.. LOL...

She came out lastnight crying after being in bed and said " my imagination scared me"..

Had to take Thomas back to the dr today cause his ears are both infected again. ARGH just wish we could get the grommits. He only finished Abs on Monday . This is just bloody ridiculous....

2008-04-06T21:34:00.004+10:00

OMG ive been a bit missing havent I..... Life seems so full of drama at the moment. Kinda like days of our drearies. Some things I cant talk about though, cause they arent my stories to tell . LOL..

Kids are driving me batty.. THomas is the type of child I never wanted to experience. LOL The climber, the adventurer, the risk taker. He freaks me out that kid. Last week we had to go to emergency cause he got the lid of a bottle of panadol and drank it. Brand new bottle. He is ok though. Apparenlty they dont put enough in the bottle to fully overdose and I did find a little on the floor. He has split his lip twice, and also ripped that bit of skin up in the top of your mouth. The kid never stops climbing stuff. He can run now, I dont like it. Ive had to put the gate up outisde the bathroom because so far we have lost 10 rolls of dunny paper in the dunny, hols shoe, my hair products and makeup and hair brushes. The kid is obsessed with the dunny. Im starting to avoid going to visit people cause its just too hard.. He wont sit still..

He loves to give cuddles which I really love. I was scared I would have a non affectionate ratbag but he is really affectionate and loves to cuddle. He adores his mummy. Been trying to teach him a few more words but he isnt really that interested. Guess when you cant hear properly its hard. He is still on Antibiotics. If I could find $1000 i could have the surgery done next week in Sydney. Funnily enough I cant. GRR So we have another 4 months to go to have it done in Tamworth..

Hols had to go to the plaster clinic last week and I was so sick I couldnt drive her there. After much moaning and fighting and winging Jay took her for me. SHe had a beautiful bright pink cast put on. Specialist said the bone had moved back out but they were hoping that this new cast that is tighter would help move it back in to place and we live this one on for 3 weeks then xray again and then maybe pins will be needed if no improvment..

Well missy decided to put her cast in the bath tub and fill it with water. SO we had to head to tamworth again to have a new plaster put on. I saw what jay meant about the bone looking the same as the day she broke it when they changed it. Her wrist looks awful... This time she chose green. LOL. Im thinking that she did the water thing on purpose so the green would go with her new top.. LOL. She is supposed to be wearing the sling but the little turd fights with me about it daily GRR. That kid never stops talking.

Truly I have never heard ANYONE talk so much. Its insane, and gee I dont mean to stop her talking and being so imaginative but sometimes it drives me around the wall, when she tells me who to be and what to say and what to do, and "is that alright mum". She does my head in...Everything we do or anywhere we go is a game. If someone rings the house she runs to the phone and she pretends we are a daycare centre. LOL. WHen jay rang the other day she told him that I was looking after the children in the blue room.. LOL..

I have decided to look for some night or weekend work or something. WE cant keep living with no money. WE have had $3 since Friday and that is all we have till Wed. WE have done no shopping and we have no fuel. Its just ridiculous and Im sick of living like this. I feel like we owe money everywhere at the moment. Our stupid health insurance has gone up again and Im feeling like maybe we should drop it. $62 a week is ridiculous. Need to sit down and weigh up the pros and cons I think.

I keep getting people ringing for weddings but I wont do them until I get a second digital, Jay just doenst understand why. He thinks I should take my film camera for back up. Well if I do that I have to have the film in my bag ready to go. 13 rolls of film is another expense if I dont end up using them.... I have been asked about buying a local photo shop and its something I really want to do but I don think the timing is right at this point. Too hard with little kids. Its exactly what I want to do. Minilab and studio in my own town. Hepas of room upstairs for scrap classes and I would put scrap supplies in the shop since ther eisnt anywhere in town that sells it. ahhhh too many decisions.. Just need someone to decide for me. LOL..

Better go to bed the kids will be up nice and early now that daylight savings is over... I love daylight savings...

2008-04-01T22:52:00.007+11:00

Just running through with a few pics.. lifes hectic. lol
'

2008-03-18T23:24:00.001+11:00

AHHH back..LOL...

Last Tuesday when I dropped HOllie off at preschool all her freinds were on the monkey bars. So mummy started to encourage her to go on them and taught her how to swing your arm across. Well didnt I get a shock at 2:30 that afternoon when the school rang me to tell me they had called an ambulance cause they thought she had broken her wrist...

WHen I got there the ambulance was already there and HOllie was ok ( considering). I chucked Thomas to his godmother ( her daughter goes to the same preschool) and jumped in the ambo for a ride. LOL. We went to Gunnedah Hospital where they couldnt get a bloody canula in, She has no veins like mum. Finally they got one in her foot and gave her some morphine. Poor little chook was over an hour without pain relief.

THen we went to tamworth in the ambo again. LOOOOOONNNNNNGGGGG bumpy ride. LOL.. WHen we got to tamworth Surgeon came and explained she was going in th surgery cause it was a really bad break. She went int at 8pm and the anaethesist came out and saw us about 10:15 and said the op went ok, but they had trouble waking her up. They had to give her narcain twice to try and reverse it, and then she didnt really wake till 3am. But shes ok...

Has this massive bloody cast that takes up half her body. LOL.. Poor little thing having to lug it around... I love this picture of her and Jay. It wa taken before theatre. I love the concern on his face.
This was taken the next morning before they let us out

This is with the massive cast on..

The same day she did this Thomas woke up with a burst eardrum again. He had just screamed for days so i knew it was a coming...

2008-03-14T20:37:00.018+11:00

Thomas is 13 months old today.He is walking everywhere. Funny little boy. HOl broke her arm earlier in the week. be back with details later..... Just ducked by to show off some scrapping ive done. Nothing much...

A page about me and thomas

Calendar I made for Hollies godmodther. Friggin thing wont let me put them in month order but you get the drift.. GRRR

2008-03-08T19:14:00.006+11:00

My little baby is walking....... Cant beleive how fast this last year has gone....... He started walking last Monday full on. He had been walking around here and there but not full on... Ill post a video of that first big walk when I upload it..

We had him back to the ENT he told us he still cant do the op to put the grommits in until 18 months even though Thomas eardrum just perforated for the second time and on antibiotics. Both ears have glue ear. He gave us a couple of numbers to try in Newcastle, where the waiting list is 9-12 months both in public system. Then we rang sydney and if we got public its 9 month waiting list if we go private we can get in like next week but even with our TOP cover the ananesthesist and surgeon charge above the schoedule so would cost us $1000 out of pocket. We just dont have that money.....

I have wedged the top of his cot up heaps cause he would only sleep if he was upright on my lap during the night ( which is very tiring). With the panadol before bed and the bed more upright he seems to be sleepign a little better.

Here is some pics Hollie took of me on Wednesday night before i went out ( she is a pretty good little photographer. I have only cropped the coloured one slightly and I had to crop the bw in a little as the angle was funny cause she is shorter then me ( obviously)LOL..

Presenting kaysie minus 2 kilos since that disgusting pic with net( only another 30kg to go lol) and minus some hair.. LOL

2008-03-05T11:52:00.000+11:00

Tried to get a pic of the 3 kids. Heres a hing of what it was like.. God love that poor girl.. LOL
Here is Bon going off to school ( he only started this year.). Kaleb and gorgeous Net with Kady

Some of the wildlife at there house... A little python that I didnt touch. LOL And a gorgeous shingle back that was so beautiful and was eating out of the hands of Nets sister.
A story board of the beautiful Arkaydia Paige. I took lots and lots of pics of her.. She is just so devine and scrummy. I miss her

Net and I.. When I saw this photo of me I came home and got my hair cut off and lost 2 kilos.. LOL. I look bloody awful..... But check out the hottie next to me.. LOL. I miss her sooo much. Check out how tall she is.. LOL
I was trying to work out how she got her boobs to sit so perty.LMAO. And Jay snapped this shot.. LOL

2008-03-04T08:18:00.000+11:00

Ok about our trip to Queensland... Had a ball.... Finally got to meet my buddy Net who I have talked to on the internet for 4 years. It was just like walking in to my best freinds house. I knew what the house looked like what kinda of things the boys liked, recognised there clothes and kadys clothes. Was really surreal and I hated leaving. So here is a few shots from our HOliday...

When we took Thomas to the beach he love dit. It was his first time at a beach..The first 4 photos are from southbank.. We had a ball there. Jay took a heap of me and the kids ( needed serious editing).LOL. But I look like a beached whale so I wont be showing them... LOL... Ill post some more of Net and the kids and my Mothers group in my next post..

2008-03-01T12:08:00.010+11:00

Back to show pics of Thomas bday party... He had a great time.. We had it the sunday after his bday.....

His cake in all its glory.. LOL... Its all about the cake...
And how is this for inspirattional... The Jodi ( aka the clown) has lost a HEap of weight and has done so well with it ( im sure its a hard bloody journey).. Check out the following photo. Top one taken at HOllies 1st bday then taken again at Thomas first bday..

On my weigh loss, I hvae lost 2 kilos this week.. Pretty good I rekon. OMG how hard is it to get up to 10,000 steps. I had to walk down town the otehr day cause I hvae lost the car keys ( whole other story) and with that plus me walking up and down town then around doing stuff at home I only managed 5000.. Thats insane. I really need a treadmill...

This week Thomas has learnt 2 new things.. He waves bye bye and says bye ( more like bay) and he can say hello, usually when he is holding a phone ( sounds more like harro). LOL.. Still no walking but taking like 6 and 7 steps and is soo close but would rather crawl. I really dont mind cause im not ready.. LOL....

Little adventerour boy went to the park for the first time the other day and off he went. Climbing the stairs and going down the slides on his own. Sooo different to Hollie. She is still scared of doing stuff like that.. Here is a video of him doing it..

,M

Ill be back with holiday photos next.. LOL..

2008-02-26T18:35:00.011+11:00

Oh well ... Arent I a slacko... Didnt get back on Thomas bday..... its nearly been 2 weeks.. Naughty mumma..

Well my little prince turned one. Hard to beleive really. This time last year we were still in hospital. He came home on the 3rd of March. Its gone so fast. Hasnt really given me enough time to take in each special moment and month. It just flies by. Feels like only yesterday I was going through the horrid IVF journey and now I have this perfect little man to show for it. Oh how it is worth every rotten needle and hormone.

His bday was nice with sissy going to Preschool so He and I got to spend some time together and then hid girlfreind Kadence came over to hang out with him. We invited Jays mum over for dinner but she had forgot it was Thomas' bday and thought we had invitred her over cause it was valentines day. I couldnt beleive it. Im not mad at her cause she has alot on her plate and valentines day was properly really hard for her this year with Ian gone..... Anyway here are a few shots from his actual bday...

This is Kadi in a pressie bag for him.. LOL.. He kept pushing her back in and closing it... TOO FUNNY
I made him this dodgy cake.. The othe rkids wouldnt eat it cause I made it dairy free. LOL.. I wanted him to get stuck into it and get really messy but he was soo funny and pedantic about it..
Hope you had a wonderful bday precious little man.. Cant wait to celebrate many more with you.........

BBT with photos from his party...

2008-02-13T22:51:00.003+11:00

Just ducking in to say we are home from our holiday. We went and stayed with Net who I met on the internet 4 years ago when we were both pg. We have pretty much talked every day since but had never meant. Was so great seeing her and Pete and the kids. It was just like I had known her forever. We drove up to Qld and had a few days with her and then went up to Aunty Caz's house in Caloundra for a couple of days.

My cousin was there who lives in Hong kong as well. I have never seen his kids so it was great to catch up. While i was at Coloundra I caught up with Fo from the scrappers group. She was just as I imagined her and found Hollie and Jay before she found me. LOL. Her hubby seemed really nice and Sam is a doll. Was only short and sweet cause her and Clydey were going on a date to the movies. LOL. Half there luck.

Kim and I met up and went to Lollypops with the kids. Charlize has grown so much and is still as gorgeous as ever. Has the sweetest little voice. Kim took me to her LSS and I had a little spend up ( little compared to kims spend ups). I then stopped in to her house a couple of days later cause she generously gave me a heap of mags. They were great for wasting some time in the car and I came home all inspired.

Took the kids to dreamworld and they had a ball. Thomas loved the big red car at wiggles world. He clapped and cheered the whole way around. Was soo funny. When you go in to dorothys garden it takes a photo of you,.. It doesnt warn you or anything though so when we saw this photo of me being a dick and the kids wiggling too, Jay thought it was pretty funny. LOL. We just had to buy it. LOL.. Check Thomas out... LOL...After we left QLD we headed down towards Sydney. Jay dropped us at Rutherford at the other kims house where the kids and I stayed for a few days while he went to the iron maiden concert. Had a great time getting to know Courtney ( my god daughter) better and hanging out with the twins and Kim. Hol ended up spending 6 hours at Maitland hospital with an asthma attack again.. GRRRRR...

Better get to bed cause its my babys first bday tommorrow... Where has the time gone... :( THis time last year I was having contractions and Jay was an hour away sound asleep. LOL.. The nurses were telling me to hang off calling him. I was panicking cause I knew he had to get HOllie up and pack and get over there....

2008-02-01T23:56:00.000+11:00

.
QUick post to show off my gals new haircut and to show a funny pic... Here is acpic of the little stunner I took the other day...

This next shot was before the hair cut ( well obviously). Just too funny not to write this down. In this pic she has a little book with hairstyles in it. SHe came out and told me that she had done the hairstyle she has the book open on. LMAO how bloody hilrious.... Not a fantastic pic, but Hey i was pissing myself too much to concentrate on skill.. LOL..

and here is the invite I just wracked up for a little quite do im gonna have for the boy.. OMG like 12 sleeps till he is 1.. THis time last year I was sitting in John Hunter. I cant beleive How fast it has gone......

And some other exciting news is............... Im going to meet Net and Jess..... YAY.... and Im gonna see Kim who I have met before... I cant wait to see all of them.. Just too exciting..

better go hit the fart sack...

2008-01-27T11:14:00.000+11:00

Was reading ANg's blog lastnight and she had the most gorgeous photo of her twins Tandem Breastfeeding... Made my heart melt and made me wanted to start feeding thomas again. LOL.. So when he woke at 6am i put him on the boob.. Its such a beautiful thing. He has only been having one feed for a month or so and the last few days I havent been giving him any, but I still had plenty of milk... So I thought I might add my photos that Jay took for me a few weeks ago..

2008-01-25T23:01:00.001+11:00

SO is anyone (besides flick, since she commented yesterday) still reading my dribble? LOL.. Please leave a comment..

I heard a rumour that someone said Im pretty negative in what I write in here, but Hey its my diary and I read back a bit and didnt think it was all that negative, sure I have my times ( ok maybe I have lots) but thats what a blog is about isnt it? To write all your thoughts and feelings and emotions and trials and tribulations (hmm how did i go with the spelling on that one> LOL)...

So here is the pics from the party before I toddle off to bed..

Do you think she got a suprise. LOL,... God love her, so she was soo pissed off that she didnt wear something nicer.. LOL.... She thought it was a party for me..
Here is miss priss Dressed ready to go. It was cold, hence the jumper.

My little man.. God he was being a pain in the butt. He did NOT want to stay in the stroller.

My brother and Nephew Noah..

And me cutting my cake..I was a wee bit embarassed.lol.

mum and dad

2008-01-21T15:05:00.000+11:00

Well the New year is here, and so far we have celebrated Thomas' 11 month bday and My big 30 bday.... GOd that sounds sooo old.. Im freaking out about the 30s.....

We spent New years at the dam and Jamie made us all stay up all night. He was off his rocker and we stayed up playing games. When it got to around 6am I went looking for him and he was sitting down at the fire sobbing his heart out about his dad. Its the first time he has actually let go since the funeral. Then Thomas started screaming in the caravan so I had to go and leave him but Hollie had woken so she went out to him and they hung out for awhile. He told her all about her dad and things they used to do, so that was a nice time for them. He then slept all day while I had to deal with the kids while totally sleep deprived.. GRRRR men..
Here is the 4 grand kids on new years eve. Cant help but think of Jays dad when I look at this picture. He loved his grandkids...... blake, Thomas, Paige and Hollie.

We went to mum and dads for the week last week cause Jay had to work at the country music so we were over there for my bday... The best pressie was a sleep in. It was devine..... I spent the day shopping for my own presents.. LOL.. Even mum had me shopping for Pjs from her.. At night we went out to tea at the mexican place. Jays mum, sister and BIL came as well as my parents and the Milne Family....

Had to take Thomas to the Ear nose and throat dude on friday cause he has had Earinfections since October and been on Antibiotics that whole time. He needs grommits but he cant have it done till after 18 months.. grrr.. So we just have to treat them with Antibiotics still and hope it clears before then I guess..

Last weigh in ( just before 11 months) he was 9 kilos exactly and 71cm... He doesnt really talk but babbles a little. I guess the ears play a part of that. The last 2 days we have been getting a lot more noises. He is a bit of a rogue and keeps me on my toes. He never stops and is the adventurer that Hollie never was...

Hols never stops talking and some days it just drives me insane. I swear my ears are aching at the end of the day and I just kill for 5 seconds peace and quite....

We had a suprise 80th for Nan on the weekend.. It was great, she sure got a suprise. She thought she was going out for my bday. I love the expression of a really suprised person. Then they all suprised me during the party with a cake of my own.. Have to admit I was a bit embarrassed. LOL..Be back tommorrow with photos of party.

2007-12-29T22:32:00.000+11:00

XMas day was a hard day to get through with the absence of Ian. It just felt really wierd and wrong to be doing it without him. Everyone seemed to get through the day ok though with Ro only shedding a few tears as she sat back and watched the kids unwrap there presents. Still seems really surreal to not have him there. Jay took on the role of present giver outerer...

THe kids woke REALLY early and we ran out and opened some pressies. Hol just wanted to check out the beer and see if santa drank it all... Too funny. First xmas morning we have had wiht HOllie without my parents here . Was kinda wierd.. Kids loved all there pressies and Thomas thought it was great...This is the resident Paper eater. LOL.. Check out the gob full in his mouth. He loves the stuff..THomas having an improtue swim ( hence the nakedness). LOL

2007-12-28T20:44:00.000+11:00

Xmas eve we went out to the milns house to meet Roxys parents and brothers..Isnt it bizarre how people from the same country can speak so differently. They are from SA and there accent is soo different and the things they call stuff is too...

Devon is Fritz
Pram is pusher
Plant (we say like ant) they say it like aunt
same with cant and grant... cant think of anything else..
Oh and they have yummy biscuits called yo yos..

We had a lovely time and headed back to town just on dark to go look at the lights...

Hollie kept saying I cant beleive it, i just cant beleive it when she saw the lights..Such a funny girl..

Heres some pics.... Thomas and his chick,.. LOL...

And some of the gorgeous Tneesha. She goes to school this year... How sad for her mummy...

She looks a bit too sexy in this last one.. I didnt tell her to pose, she did this herself. THere was actually an even sexier one.. Way tooooo scary
And some of the xmas lights.......

2007-12-22T08:54:00.000+11:00

Xmas pics of the kids..... THomas was soo sick in his.. That was the second lot i tried to take of him This was our xmas cards from the family

2007-12-18T16:59:00.000+11:00

OMG Ive been MIA for like forever..... Things been sooo busy and hectic with weddings and and cmas and stuff.....

Poor little man had an asthma attack and was in hospital on oxygen for 4 days... Here is s pic of him in hospital...Poor little mite was on ventolin 3 hourly as well as the oxygen and on prendisone.. Poor little boy.. Jay pissed me off and was being such an arse and wouldnt coem and do a few hours for me but went to cricket instead. I was sooo pissed off..... Really felt let down by some freinds as well...They knew where we were and only one came near us... Im the first one to be there for everyone else ( sorry for the vent)....

Wile Thomas was in hospital Hollie had to go to emergency with asthma as well.. Its this god damn stupid weather.. So bad for asthmatics..

When we got home from hospital we all ended up with gastro. I think Thomas got it the worst. He got 2 lots of it. Has only just started eating again today after 5 days without anything but a bit of boobie.. Poor little man looks sooo drawn and sick... Here is a piccie I took of him yesterday.

He also turned 10 months old.. How the time has flown.. I miss my little baby... I cant beleive how fast it has gone.. he weighs ( well he did before he got sick) 8.4 kilos. Id say he is down to 8 kilos now.. and is 70cm long... Still not saying anything but dad and is cruising the furniture still and occasionally standing up free hand in the middle of the room....

Here is his 10 month old pics... I cant pic one so sorry you have to have a few.... LOL..

Ive also been struggling to deal with the recent unplanned pregnancies of two freinds. Makes me feel like such a bitch that I just cant be happy for them but the jelousy just takes over my mind. It will be baby #4 for both of them. I want another baby soo bad but can i put my family back through all that again....

Promise to be back again soon with xmas piccies.....

2007-11-17T11:51:00.000+11:00

Been a bit MIA.. just wanted to post this... Illl bbl for an update

Mary Died this day 6 years ago.... How time flies... SHe had her son early ( 28 weeks I think from memory) In july 2001. He was born early due to preeclampsia.... They were in Sydney due to us not have a Neonatal closer to us in the country.. They finally came home after 3 months. Mary was still having problems but Issac was doing fine. The last time I saw Mary she had some type of fluid just dripping from her body. Im not sure exactly what it was but obviously something to do with what had now turned into eclampsia.... I dont remember the date but not long after I was told she was in a coma from her body shutting done from the damage, and then on this day she was gone.. She left behind 4 beautiful children... Every xmas day I think about her alot and about how she missed out on soo much of there lives.. Now that I have my own children my heart just breaks that she had to leave them sooo early when she had so much to teach them and show them.. Hard to think that something as beautiful as bringing a child into the world can be fatal.... Very very sad.....

2007-10-29T21:04:00.000+11:00

OK lets try and post a few piccies from sharms wedding....
The wedding was at night so I had to take most of the pics with the studio and backdrop.. I hate having to do that.. They had all the perfect places to take pics too... It was PItch black though..

2007-10-28T21:58:00.000+11:00

Today is Jays bday.... Happy 31st baby.... I had a bit of a melt down about FIL tonight at dinner.. I just feel sooooo wierd about him not being here.. Its just a really strange feeling. I still expect him to come to bdays and stuff. I cant beleive that all that happened.. it feels like we were watching a soap opera or someone elses life... Very very wierd..

While i was crying Hollie came over and touched my arm and said

"mummy are you crying because of poppy? its ok he is in heaven".

I explained to her, how I am sad that he wont see her grow up.. She was his little angel. He adored her. He would love her hair cut. She told me not to be sad and that we might see him in heaven one day and then he can see her hair cut...

Every time I see Thomas' gorgeous smile I think of him, His smile lights up a room and I know how much Ian loved it. He loved his grand kids soo much. I cant believe his time with them was cut short. Just doesnt seem right...

bye for now

2007-10-26T21:52:00.000+10:00

Back to talk about Sharmaines wedding... It was awesome...I dont think I have ever seen soooo many people in my life... 300 people were there... THere was fireworks, a band, a dj lots of food... Awesome... THe idea of a "suprise" wedding is soooo sharmaine.. I love it.....

Her FIL made a speech and announced that they were doing a double whammy and gonna get married while everyone was there. The girls were up getting dressed at the time.. I didnt tell Hollie till I was getting her dressed cause she isnt very good with secrets..LOL.....

I shed a few tears while watching my baby girl walk down the asile again. She was sooo good and stood there through the long boring service until she needed to go do a wee.. I was so proud. I also shed a few tears that my baby cousin ( who has been like a sister to me) was finally tying the knot.. I love her soo much and Im sooooo happy for her...

Ive only just started to proof the photos as I am in desperate need of an external hard drive and its annoying the shit out of me cause it is sooo slow....

Here is a few that I have done so far....

Oh crap blogger is being a PITA .... come back and post them later... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

2007-10-19T11:05:00.000+10:00

Oh sooo much has been happening......

Just a few updates on Thomas..... He started crawling the night before sallys wedding. Funny commando style crawl... Got his first tooth October 12th, which is the some fang that Hollie got through first..... He is still not saying anything but is making a lot more sounds and has just started the whoo whoo sound at 8 months.... At just over 8 months he weighed in at 7.7 kilos and is 65cm long (or should I say short).... THis is a video of him crawlling nearly a month ago.. Still goes on his tummy but is super fast....

Hollie has had all her hair cut off and just looks abosultely gorgeous... I love it... She is growing up wayyyyy too fast. Keeps asking me if Im still sad about poppy being in heaven.. She has really bad anger issues that worry me. Its like she just SNAPS and loses it and goes off her head. SHe is a bit like me in that way.... She is actually a flower girl tommorrow at a suprise wedding but she doesnt know yet.. I only found out last night when my cousin dropped off the dress for her. Its supposed to be an engagement party but they are going to get married as well..... How exciting...

here is her hair cut......

2007-10-12T13:35:00.000+10:00

NOW on to the wedding........ The wedding was hectic... LOL..

I stayed up late Friday night making the bonbonairres ( she had slackarse bridesmaids so i got stuck with doing something). I loved what I came up with in the end. The colours were black and red so i did Black organza with chocolates inside with a little thank you... SO cute...

MIL was makign the bridesmaid dresses, waistcoats for the boys and Hollies dress. SO saturday morning was sooooo busy... I was cruising around getting Hollies hair done, Taking some pics ( I wasnt official photographer though) dropping off table decos, trying to get Thomas organised. The wedding was at 3pm. at 1pm I had to drop Hollies dress off to another dress maker to put a zip in and a hem as MIL was too busy... She was still finishing off the bridesmaids dresses at 2:55pm.. It was chaos. LOL..

I took Hollie to the motel to get dressed with the girls and sal. It was pretty darn quick of them to only be 20 minutes late considering.. lol.. We had arm bands made up with " father of the bride" on them that were just perfect.. I also made up a candle with Ians photo on it to be lit at the ceremony then taken to the reception..

The ceremony was just beautiful. DH walked his sister down the aisle and looked sooo proud. The only time I really cried was when Sally lit the candle and said " I love you dad" This picture shows the pure emotion of that moment...

The reception was going well till HOllie, who had been gradually getting wheezier and wheezier all day, after Id given her a nebuliser in the morning, got really bad and asked me to take her to hospital. She had an asthma attack and had another 2 rounds of nebuliser at hospital, some prendisone and an injection of something to help open the airways. They said she should have stayed in but since it was such an important day we could go since we were only down the road and bring her back if it didnt improve.

So all and all it was a nice day and FILs presence was felt. I dont think we could have had a more fitting wedding. It was so sad but happy all at once. At the end of the night it was soo hard to blow that candle out, so MIL, sally and I all blew it out together.

2007-10-11T05:50:00.000+10:00

What A month its been so far... Ive been putting off coming in here cause I dont know where to start, but I know I cant move forward till I write it down ( if that makes any sense at all).. THIS IS LONG!!!!!!!!!

FIL passed away on the 25th of September quite suddenly. 4 days before his only daughters wedding. Ironically it wasnt the cancer that led to his death. He had a feed tube in his stomach as his oesphegus was still restricted from the ray treatment and the op. The tube had split and FIL went without any feeds for 24 hours. He is diabetic so this wasnt a good thing. He was booked in to have his tube replaced on the Friday. Friday morning Jays mum called him to come help her get his dad in the car cause he was delirous and couldnt walk and stuff ( haveing a hypo). MIL got him to hospital and he had his tub replaced then the hospital rang her to say he was ready to go home. MIL said are you kidding, Have you spoken to him.. So they checked his blood sugars and they were off the planet. The said if they hadnt have got it when they did ( yeah thanks to MIL) he would have gone in to a diabetic coma.

SOO he goes up to the BASE hospital where they find he is also really dydrated and start pumping him with fluid and getting his sugar levels right. We were going over to Tamworth to stay the night so we went up and saw him and he was ok ( though still in ICU). 5am the next morning Jay gets a phone call to go to the hospital as they think his dad has a chest infection (his dad hates hospitals so wanted someone there).. 3 hours later I get a phone call from Jamie crying in to the phone, his mum then gets on and says , just come in to the hospital Kaysie...

When I got there they told me that he had an infection in his blood and something going on with his lung and wasnt expected to live the day. Lots of tears and goodbyes. That day jamie and I hardly left his side. The next day we did shifts of staying with him as he is terrified that the nurses would give him morphine. THe drs thought I was his daughter cause of the time I was spending at his bedside. I was singing to him and rubbing his feet and reading him the paper and stuff. At this stage he could still nod and tell us stuff with his eyes.. He was desperatly trying to tell Jay something. They kept coming and getting me as I was understanding most of what he was saying, but I have no idea what he was telling jay. The dr called the family in (i stayed with Ian) and told them that they thought Ian was hanging on for the wedding and that they would do all they could do help him do so.

The next morning I got a call from Jamie telling me that it was the day. So i packed up the kids and went in to see FIL basically unconsious hooked to machines. He had been moved to a private room and MIL wanted us all to spend some time with him saying what we needed to. Jay and I sat with him and cried and cried. I stroked his hand and his hair. Jamie couldnt cope anymore so left to get his mum, who found me lieing on his bed sobbing. She comforted me and we cried some more. By then everyone had had some time with him, so she called us all back in to the room.Ill never forget her words.... " Its ok darling, you can go now, we are all here together to look after each other". Just like the movies we then saw a dr appear in the doorway with a stetescope ( they were watching his obs outside on the screen) and they annoucned time of death. Was really surreal and just like watching a movie. I kissed his head and stroked his hair and told him we loved him and would think of him lots..

MIL immediatley called us to the family conference room to sort out what was going to happen in regards to the wedding and the funeral. That women has strength I could never dream about. We neeeded to hve the funeral 2 days later to give us time for the wedding. MIL wanted us all to have a say about the funeral so we sat down and looked at poems and songs and came up with what we liked... I wrote the service and the eulogy..

The funeral was hard and lots of tears were shed. We are still basically in shock and it just doesnt quite seem real yet. Just seems like he is away on one of his mazda trips or something. He and Hollie adored each other and I feel so much pain that he wont be here for her. He called her his "princess". Hollie has been asking why we are sad, and talks about Poppy in Heaven and how one day she will see him and give him a big hug. I only hope she doesnt forget him.

Ill leave you with a copy of the service booklet I made... here is the front and back

here is the inside

This is the Eulogy.......
EULOGY

Ian John Eveleigh was born 8th July 1946, in Gunnedah. Son to Gordon and Mavis Eveleigh and older brother to Lindsay and Wayne.

Being the eldest Ian took on the role of leader among the boys and was quite often bossing them around and telling them what to do. A story his mother often told was of him as a young boy riding his 3 wheeler bike from little conadilly street to the shearing shed, 3klms out of town on the Boggabri road.

Tragedy struck at 8 years of age when Ian lost his left arm. In true Ian Eveleigh style he didn’t let this hold him back and with great determination he moved on with his life and didn’t let it stop him from doing anything.

Ians first job was in the dairy at Wick Atkinsons , where he later become the local milkman. A running joke in the household was that Jamie, Sam, and Sally were the milkmans offspring.

In 1963, while working at the BP service station,. Ian and Ro met during frequent fuel top ups. On the first date Ian surprised Ro by taking of his prothetic arm and throwing it over into the backseat of the car. While this was an interesting party trick, it was not the image Ro was expecting on her first date. This was a side of Ian that Ro came to love.

Ian was a bit of a perfomer and liked to belt out a few country and western tunes. His interest in music led him in 1970 to take up a position as an entertainment manager for artists performing in clubs.

After Ro telling him that she wouldn’t marry him till he got a real job, Ian applied for a position as warranty clerk at Wrightford motors. This was his first taste of the automotive industry, Ian and Ro were soon after Married and returned to Gunnedah to start their new life together.

Their first child Jamie arrived in 1976 followed 12 months later by Sam. They were Ian’s pride and joy,he enjoyed taking them on holidays and showing them how to catch the big fish.

Ian was over the moon with the arrival of his “Princess” Sally in 1984, He loved his family and was so proud of their achievements.

He was a real family man,
He was hard but fair and taught his kids right from wrong and advised them on all the challenges that would come along in life.

In 1974 Ian became manager of Namoi Valley Implement Co, selling Farm Equipment and beginning his long Association with Mazda. In 1977 Ian and Ro bought the business
And renamed it Ian Eveleigh Motors. He enjoyed the good times and the bad that the Seasons in Gunnedah produced. He not only sold plenty of cars but made lifelong bonds with his many customers throughout the years.Ian was Passionate about the Mazda and Nissan products and believed in the product he was selling. He loved his work and was truly proud of what he and Ro had achieved.

There was nothing Ian liked more then spending some time out away from home enjoying the fresh air and sunshine. This is when the family bought the van at Keepit Dam. This became a home away from home, and Ian looked forward to nothing more then spending his weekends at the Dam fishing, drinking and enjoying a good cigar..

Since 2000 Ian has faced many challenges with his health. In 2000 he went to Sydney and underwent a quadruple heart bypass. In 2005 he fell off a ladder and cut both shins to the bone. He more recently had been fighting Cancer and the effects of diabetes, which ultimatly led to his passing.

2007-09-18T11:35:00.000+10:00

Just got back from helping at Hollies preschool... Kids are funny.. LOL.. I had to bloody walk down there and back cause we have no money for fuel... GRRR I hate being broke..

I have some exciting news.. My little princess now has her ears pierced. She was so brave.. She asked us could she have it done and was asking for weeks so we said righto but do you know that it is gonna hurt. She said YEP but ME WANT IT DONE ANYWAY. She was such a big girl sitting up there and didnt cry till after it was done. I think it was more the shock and her face got grazed with the gun as well. She looks so beautiful and grown up. :(.. She picked the little pink studs herself. Just bootiful......

Jamies dad is coming home today after 6 weeks down having radiation. Its been a long time for him being down there on his own. I know he will be so relieved to be home again...

OMG i forgot my other HUGESTESTSTSTSTS news ever...... I won a prize worth $601.. YIPEEE I never win anything.. It was in the Nappy hunt where you go around like an idiot looking for icons on the nappy sites. Its crazy and I spent lots of nights awake looking. SOme are REALLY hard. I have won a few gorgeous nappies, and leg warmers and huguglugs and jewellery and a game thing and some cream.. WHOOOPPPPPEEEEE so excited....

Had a bit of a meltdown last week and basically felt like I was a walking time bomb ready to explode. NO sleep does some wicked things to your mind. Saturday I had to call Jay hoem from cricket cause my head was throbbing and my back was killing. I went to bed at 4pm, so I must have needed it.

Thomas is teething poor bugger.. his cheeks are sooo red... He is a funny little guy. Im having so many issues with breastfeeding still... GRR part of me wants to just give up cause Im sure our life would be easier on the bottle but I love that he NEEDS me for that. I may never get another chance.. ARGH breastfeeding is sooooo bloody hard. Why cant boobs have metres on them to tell you how much they get....

Here is a video of his funny laugh, if you can hear him over the big foghorn LOL...

2007-09-08T21:59:00.000+10:00

Jays baseball team won the grandfinal.... Sound real excited dont i. LOL.. I dont seem to "get" the whole team sport thing anymore. THe way Jay carries on before the game just seems way too over the top. Its just a bloody game... He is out celebrating and I got the job of coming home with the kids. Dont you love it. I hope if I ever get a published LO I get to go out and "get on it" and celebrate. LOL..His photo was on the back page of the paper the other day and HOllie took it to school yesterday for show and tell.. HOW CUTE... so proud of her daddy.. ILl add some baseball photos tommorrow.

Im enjoying the whole new world of Facebook and catching up with a few old schoolfreinds. Is lots of fun to see where people are at and there kids and stuff. Funny how when you are at school it seems like its your whole world, and then it doesnt mean shit once you have made your own life. Its like it is 2 seperate lives and 2 different lots of people that know you. You could be the dorkiest person at school but when you have your own family and adult freinds you are someone totally different. LIFE is bizarre.... Tyddie (school freind) put this pic up on face book of our kindy class. its not real easy to see but im the one with the short sleeve shirt on. LOL..

Love this shot of Thomas' reflection in his mirror on his play thingymagiggy...

This is what I used to think about when I was doing the IVF. Moments like this.... I didnt want HOllie to never have a chance to be a sister. She is being Thomas' teacher. She reads to him alot.

2007-09-06T22:48:00.001+10:00

MY BOY CAN SIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My littel cherub can sit up..... STOP GROWING UP... Next thing we will know he will be crawling. Wont Hollie be pissed when he starts touching her stuff... LOL...

Check him out...

And this is his new trick in the Jolly jumper he just started doing..Thinks its soo funny.....

2007-09-03T22:14:00.000+10:00

Lying in bed with HOllie tonight and she was just laying there nearly asleep and she turned to me and said.. " mummy I was in your belly once wasnt I?" then she said " thomas was too, he used to kick me and say I wanna get out"...... Its nice when you can have precious moments like that after an absolutely horrendous day.. She also asked to get her ears pierced the other day. LOL.. I want to but im scared...

Its been an absolute shit house week. Im so exhuasted. Jay was supposed to come home at 10 on saturday night and got home at 3am. Was soo sick for fathers day, and slept most of the day. I was so mad and exhuasted. I feel like I could just crawl in a hole. I understand how women can lose the plot and shake there baby. I just got to the point today that I couldnt stand anymore crying. Lucky he is so cute..

Hollie made Jay cry yesterday morning with her Fathers day things she made. SHe did a little thing for him at daycare that said.. I love my daddy because............. he takes me shopping and we go and buy chocolate for my mum and I eat some too... LOL...

Jays dad is in Sydney having Radiation. Feeling a bit sad for him. Being down there on his own he must have a lot of time to reflect on his life and his future.

Did a photoshoot of a gorgeous little man on friday. Still proofing them and after I ask his mumma i might share some. Was supposed to have a shoot today but it got cancelled when bubba woke up with temps..

I got a phonecall today for a wedding quote. I have had so many people chasing quotes lately. For now ive decided i really cant take the extra stress. I think i have had to knock back 5 weddings. I am doing one in 2 weeks but its just for an old freind and im just taking a few formal shots.

HEres some new pics of the kidlets....

2007-08-28T21:47:00.000+10:00

Just quickly popping in to write down Thomas' weigh and height for today.. At 6.5 months he is 63cm long ( just on the edge of the grey shorty boy) and 7.1 kilos....

Hollie put on an outfit earlier that I had bought her and I said " do you like it? its so cute" and she said " mum its a bit dicky" LOL...... OMG she is a funny little chicken....

Keeps saying ot me.. Mum im bigger now, its so so sad isnt it..... Cause I always say how sad it is that she is growing up... TOO FUNNY.....

Best go to bed feeling totally drained. Did curves tonight and hurting all over.....

2007-08-27T20:02:00.000+10:00

ARGH life is getting in the way of my blog.. LOL..... and my scrapping... I wonder will I ever get back to doing any scrapping.. Every day I make a plan in my head to do some and then it all goes to shit. LOL..

Jays baseball semifinal was on on Saturday. Once I got there I wished I hadnt gone. Was totally exhusted and we went over on a bus so I couldnt even go shopping. I had to take Thomas up to the hospital cause he had Pus coming out of his ear. Poor kid. I had been sniffing his ear all week saying it smelt wrong and everyone else rekoned it was fine... From now on Ill be going with my mothers intuition. He will be ok, just has to have antibiotics then has to go back to GP since the dr couldnt actually see the membrane from all the pus. ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Didnt get to curves today which totally pissed me off. I have weigh in on friday. Was hoping to get some good numbers in.LOL.

Just got a phone call about a good freind that is in a mental hospital at the moment... Got tears now.... she is ok..... I hate mental illness...

I better go to bed, feel so exhuasted.... Here is some pics I took of Thomas a few weeks ago.. I just love em.. How bloody gorgeous is he....

2007-08-22T21:25:00.000+10:00

Happy Bday to our special freind Tneesha who turns 5 today.... Isnt she just a doll... We went to her bday party on Saturday at the pool. It was great and I was the only mum that bloody got in, hairy white legs and all....LOL....

Today was such a weird day. It started awful and I was losing the plot and I had decided that the kids would be better off going to daycare and me go back to work. Thomas didnt stop crying and Hollie was just being a brat... Then the day got better Hollie had a sleep and when she woke her and I had a good time and played outside and in the garden for awhile. Then I went to curves and did my work out..

Jays dad has just gone back down to sydney for more radiation. He has more cancer and its inoperable so they are hoping that the radiation will shrink it. Jay had a melt down on Saturday night sobbing to me about how he knows his dad will die :( and how he cant beleive how fast the years are going. How fast our kids are growing. I was actually mad at him for being home 3 hours later then he said but I felt so sad for him too. He is the most optimistic person so for him to be talking that way was a suprise..

I have had NO bloody car all week. Its across the road out of petrol and we dont get paid till friday. GRR so frustrating. I hate being poor.. Its commission week this week, I wish it would hurry up. Thinking that I might try and do a montlhly menu plan so we know we have enough food for the month. This last week is always soo hard. We have nothing in the fridge. Hol and I made biscuits today.

I better head to bed as we have had a shocking few nights with the little man and im exhausted... Just thought id leave you with this bloody hilarious clip.... Its kinda like when Thomas smiles. You just have to smile back at him....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z02ox6ttIjg&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fmom2my6pack%2Eblogspot%2Ecom%2F

2007-08-14T22:13:00.000+10:00

THomas is 6 MONTHS OLD.... where has that time gone......... GOt him weighed today and he is 7 kilos and 63cm long. I cant beleive how fast he is growing.. He can sit for a few seconds before falling over now and when on his tummy he gets his little legs going. Sooo cute. He is such a lovalbe smiley little thing. He gives the best cuddles in the world. he wraps his little arms around your neck. I think he may have said DAD today but im not telling DH and im not offically saying he did.LOL...

Ill add a few pics from today and then ill comeback for a big catch up tommorrow hopefully

Happy half year my precious little man....

2007-07-29T21:59:00.000+10:00

Im struggling to keep up at the moment. Life is just bogging me down.. Had a melt down last night and cried to jamie and today he let me lie in bed and read a book. I am sick anyway.....

Just wanted to wish Angela all the best for the upcoming few weeks. Very exciting waiting on the birth of her twins. What an awesome incubator she is thus far......

I took Hollie to the pead last week for her reflux review and a few other things... After the increase in dose of her meds there wasnt any change so he said to just cut them all out and see what it does.. She is refluxing a lot more and her behaviour is starting to get worse again...

While we were there I mentioned about Hollies left arm when she swims.. She wont use it at all. If I hold the right arm she still wont use the left. I asked the chiro about it awhile ago and he said to get it checked out... So the pead looked her over and did some strength tests and some running up and down the corrider. She has always ran really funny but I just thought she was unco.. He did some reflex tests and the left leg didnt respond all that well... He is sending us off for a CT scan to check the right side of the brain ( which controls the left side). He isnt sure what the problem is... he did mention a " mini stroke" so I guess we just wait and see...

I just wish we could have a magic wand to get her sleeping. The pead suggested hard sleeping pills.. WT???? I didnt even have to think twice. No way.....

She woke up this arvo with trouble breathing so she has been on the nebuliser this arvo and has prendisone on bored.. I sooo didnt want her to be asthmatic. Its an awful bloody thing. I hate it.. I rang the hospital but they said I was pretty confident looking after her so just to keep her at home unless the nebules arent cutting it.

Bye for now

2007-07-25T18:10:00.000+10:00

Tagged from Narelle... my first one...

Here's the deal:

1-post these rules
2-each person tagged must post 8 random(... hopefully interesting) facts about themselves
3-taggees should write a blogpost of these facts
4- at the end of the post 8 more bloggers are tagged and named and released back into the wild
5-go to their blog and leave a comment telling them they're tagged

1. I have played piano since I was 5 years old. I did some teaching gigs for a little while....

2. I travelled in the state youth band playing trumpet...

3. I got expelled for school from wagging and being in a drug bust and escorted by the police back the principle ( who was a nun)...

4. I left home at 16.. Did my HSC while living with 4 alcholic blokes that had partys all night. Was so hard to get motivated to study..

5. I have only one kidney, half a uterus, extra vertebrae. Didnt find any of this out till I was 20. Was quite a suprise..

6. I spent 5 years with an alcholic druggo. Followed him to partys every night of the week then got up and went to work. He killed my dog, doused me in petrol, broke a mirror over my head and just treated me like crappola...

7. I used to be really fit and went to the gym twice a day.

8. I had a nervous breakdown nearly 8 years ago now. I was agoraphobic and I totally lost control of my life.....

2007-07-18T22:15:00.000+10:00

ohh im excited I got my first tag..Im no longer a tagging virgin..... LOL... But its too late now and Ive stayed up too long knitting ( just call me gran) so ill come do it tommorrow....

Heres a little vid, well actually its a black screen since it was dark, but you can hear Hollies bloody carrying on..... This is the shit she carries on with everynight at bed time. This was after an hour and she was starting to wind down. Its just bloody ridiculous. Then we have to deal with her waking all the time after about 11pm. Its driving me mental. Im so bloody tired so I just let her in bed now and Jay moves to the lounge, but she moves and talks, and scratches and tosses and kicks all night. IVE HAD ENOUGH....... heres the video... http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v219/kaysie/Hollie/?action=view&current=c439ab37.flv

2007-07-09T21:02:00.000+10:00

Been so slack and busy but had to come and say that Thomas rolled today.. YAY he is such a clever boy. He is soo sick too so it was a great effort. He had a huge sleep afterwards so must have taken it out of him...

On the 1st of the month it was a year since I had him transferred. How amazing is it that that little man came from a dish.. Just incredible... He is doing ok, Reflux and colic totally suck but I seemed to have gotten use to the screaming, crying and winging that it doesnt effect me that much this time.

Thomas and I have the flu and I feel like total crappola....

Im so tired I cant even think what else to write so I might just post photos.. LOL....

Now I dont usually think my kids look that much alike but check out this photo.....

How happy does he look in this pic below. Always has a beautiful smile for his mummy...

2007-06-29T22:10:00.000+10:00

Long time no write... Been really busy....

I was asked to teach a canvas scrap class to a teen mums group. Was a lot of hard work. The girls had never scrapped before or even seen it so needed soo much help. Was very tiring.. This was my sample canvas I did to show them... Its hanging in Hollies room and as you can see she is very proud of it..LOL..

I also did this scrap page when I was at mums for the long weekend.. Suppose i could have cropped the floor away..LOL

Thomas is growing so fast its scary. Nearly 5 months old and starting to laugh and have conversations with us. He is very cute, and he and Hollie are getting on so well. It is so beautiful to watch them playing togehter and the way he looks at her is just so sweet. He looks for her whenever he is awake. Ive been having some issues about his name. It still doesnt feel right. Its just not ME, But i also wouldnt want to hurt jays feelings by changing it. I find myself calling him mate and not Thomas cause it just isnt me.. I dont really know what to do about it. I dont want to regret it for the rest of my life. Anyway here is a pic of the gorgeous little human being..He has the most wonderful smile that just melts my heart.When he is having booby if I look down at him he gives me that big lushes smile so I cant look at him. LOL. He also puts both his hands around my boob and strokes it.. Its so lovely. I remember when hollie used to do that. Like he appreciates every drop of that devine milk.....

Hollie is thriving and is as clever as ever. I think she is outgrowing Daycare and will hopefully go the 2 days to preschool next year. She has learnt to use scizzors so is cutting every bit of paper and cardboard in site. She told me she met a "nice guy" at church that she is gonna marry. How funny. One of her favourite words at the moment is rekon.. She says, I rekon mum.. LOL. I love it. SO much personality. If only she would sleep.. Thomas sleeps way better then her. Its sooooo frustrating.. SHe keeps bloody licking her lips and has an awful dry patch. I photoshopped it out in this photo.LOL. It looks awful. Im thinking of gettin her hair cut off to shoulder length. I just cant decide..Jays dad had a feed line put in to his stomach a couple of weeks back. he has another Mass but they arent sure what it is. It is blocking off his oesophegus and he only has a hole the size of apinhead so not much food can get down there. They are saying that sometimes after a big op ( like the one he had to remove the cancer) that a calcifcation can occur at the op site. The other thing is that it is more cancer.He has lost soo much weight that they have put in the feed line to try and fatten him up a bit so they can operate. It is really sad to watch him how he is. I feel so sad for him. His life has just fallen apart in the last few years. Jays family dont really show there feelings and sometimes I feel like He just needs a big hug. I know he gets so much joy from seeing the kids. I often see a tear in his eye as he watches Hollie and the day he came to see Thomas at the hospital, when he came back from the SCN he had a tear in his eye. Cancer is such a dreadful disease...

A guy I used to hang out with ( my ex sils partner) got killed last weekend. The guy was not the greatest citizen and was always in and out of jail but he was still a person and a father. His DD and I used to be so close and she was in my care a lot while both her parents were in jail. My heart breaks for her. The car was towed in to jays work on the saturday and at that point I didnt know that it was him that got killed in the car I just knew that a person had got killed. The car was just a mess. Im so terrified of dying in a car accident, or being trapped in a car with my kids screaming in pain. Its my biggest fear....

I got a lovely little parcel for the kids and I the other day off the lovely kind sarah. We all loved our stuff. Hollie got a little book which she has been using as a menu book in the cafe LOL and some stickers and clips, and I got a block of a chocolate which i soooo needed that day, and Thomas got a gorgeous Bonds shirt which he needed.

better go to bed its late im tired and im sure the night will be eventful....

2007-06-15T20:38:00.000+10:00

Just read Felicitys comment in my blog and Im SOOOOOO glad you wrote that chick. I have these issues in my mind about the guilt of being depressed when I did IVF to have them. Its like, something I cant explain but you feel like you have to be grateful (which I am) and that you should be floating on a cloud. That is the way I WANT to feel. I dont want to be like this.. I hate it...

I went to the counsellor today and talk about a total utter waste of time. She is called a "mental health nurse" and all she did was paper work of filling crap out and said oh well ill make another appointment and see how you are going next week.. WT... She did nothing. Not a smidgen of advice. NOTHING. She even said she doesnt know anything about coping techniques blah blah blah. Well why they hell are you there helping our people with mental health problems.. OMG i hate this shit hole of a town sometimes.... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr

Jamie forgot to pick Hollie up from daycare today.. How embarrssing. I felt awful when I got there. I went downt to his work to pick her up and he didnt have her.. Bloody men. I was at my appointment.. I have been using the 123 magic on her and seems to be going ok. I can see it working if I just keep doing it and be consistant..

This guy that works with Jay has a daughter thats 17 and they live around the corner ( i have to drive past there house everyday) and we know them really well. Anyway yesterday jay rings me and says " we are totally out of the loop". I was like WHY.. He said Fred( not real name) isnt at work today cause his daugther is gonna have her baby today.. We were like OMFG. I only saw her the other day. WE had NFI.... TOtallly in shock....blown away....

T
homas was 4 months old yesterday..
Check out how gorgeous he is... Isnt he just precious.. He looks soo much like me i rekon. But then again where his hair is sitting up he looks more like jamie.. AWWWE he is soo cute. I havent been able to put him down today he has been soooo full of wind and in soo much pain. Poor little thing. I also fogot his losec lastnight so I think that didnt help much...

He loves his mummy sooo much. He just loves to snuggle in to me and nuzzle under my neck.. A real mummys boy... Still doesnt feel like he is mine. Its just sooooo surreal that I have a boy.

2007-06-13T21:35:00.000+10:00

Well , i didnt go to the counsellor yesterday.... Jamie had to go to Tamworth lastnight So i would be home alone till really late and didnt want to be alone after talking to the counsellor. It freaks me out when I talk about it and Makes me have panic attacks so I changed it to friday...

Went to a parenting cause on disicpline yesterday and Friday and it was really good. I learnt a few new things to try.

On the weekend we went to Tamworth and stayed at mum and dads cause Jay played baseball all weekend.. Dad and I had another big fight ( its getting bloody predictable) and he said I wasnt welcome there anymore, then he is ringing me the next day to see if Im coming over this weekend. It snowed just out of Tamworth on Saturday but we didnt go and have a look it was just too bloody cold.. Newcastle and the hunter had some really bad flooding and storms and on the news it looks like a war zone. james and Lee were only 300metres from the flood waters but were just on a rise so they didnt have to get evacutated but most of Maitland did.

Have to write this down cause it was so funny but it is a "had to be there moment". My Dad and Hollie started walking to town on sunday (where they live is like 15klm out of town) and we picked them up on teh way. Apparenlty Hol had been talking about maccas to dad on teh way. When we picked them up dad said he needed to go to the toilet. Mum said " so where do you want us to stop mervyn" and he told us and hollie said " Excuse me nanny, Poppy could use the toitet(toilet) at maccas" "there is free(3) toitets at maccas"..It was sooo funny. She was soo serious we just all burst out laughing. She is such a cack....

Thomas is starting to babble a bit more and his favrouite word at the moment is argoo. So cute when they start giving you something back.. He is growing way too fast.. Mum keeps saying that she still cant beleive he is here. She said it just doesnt seem real. She said with Hol she just sort of fit. I know the feeling she has cause I feel it sometimes too. Very hard to explain. She wondered if it was his Name, since it is not really ME. I still wonder if I did the right thing agreeing to Thomas....

Just going through some photos and saving files since I have saved to disk since january.. eeekkkkkkkk. Thought I might share a few..

How unimpressed does he look about the pink beanie.. LOL.. I love it..Jay wasnt very happy about me putting this bonnet on him.. I think it is sooo cute....This is how curly his hair goes after a bath. Once it dries its flat again though...Here he is with his Girlfreind Kadence, who is 10 weeks younger and is now the same length.

I was havitn one of those real crap self esteem days today where you just hate everything you see in the mirror. My clothes dont fit, my boobs are huge and maternity bras dont do much, My hair needs cutting and Im just sick of being daggy. Anyway I come out and Hollie said " Mum, you look cool"..LOL... What a way to make me feel better. She is such a little darlin.....

2007-06-07T21:15:00.000+10:00

Here is a Layout I did a few weeks ago. It says You are like me in so many ways. All the ways we are alike are written around the edge..
Thomas had a weigh in the other day, and at 16 weeks he weighs 5.7kilos and is 57.5cm bloody shortie. Im booked in to the counsellor on Tuesday. Im so scared. Im glad she has all my notes from before when I was agoraphobic so I dont have to re explain a lot of it...

Im off to a parenting course tommorrow. I cant wait. Lets hope it can give me some strategies for dealing with this girl of mine....

Thanks girls for the beautiful comments. I know that you are all always there for me. it is so nice to know that.. Holly, im always thinking of you. When times are really touch I think of you and how lucky I really am. You are the strongest women i know and I couldnt do what you are doing. I just wish I could be closer to you to give you some company....

2007-06-03T15:42:00.000+10:00

TO start with just have to say OMG i won a little prize on Jodys blog... SOme yummy scrapping stuff. If my internet speed wasnt capped Id go get the link.. LOL... Im so excited...

Friday was a bit of a hard day. Finally decided to admit to myself that I think I have PND. I know it sounds strange since I havent actually gone of my antidepressants but I guess I just need an increase. I was hoping to go to my GP and feel like I had a lot of support but I felt the total opposite. He just said to me " why would you be depressed, you have what you wanted". That is one of the reasons I didnt want to admit it. I dont understand myself. I just handed him the list that I had written down and he read through it. I had written on my list that I have a fear of self harming and he kind of laughed it off and said Why would you want to hurt yourself. It took soo much effort for me to go in there and say all that to him that I just felt gutted and shot down.

He prescribed me to go up to 2 of my tablets a day. Thing is i cant afford $60 a month for tablets. We are struggling just coming up with $30 a month for them. I also need to go have some counselling, so Ill sort that out tommorrow.

I just feel BLERGH... I have no motivation, Im just going around in circles with my house leaving things incomplete, i cant make decisions, I dont want to be touched or talked to, I have no libido, I feel numb, I feel unemotional like i just exist, Dont take pride in myself, cant be bothered going anywhere or talking to anyone, Terrified of hurting myself.....

Now I have a headache just going through all those thoughts again.

When I told jay I had made an appointment on friday and what is was for he said " cant you wait till Wednesday till you get paid". That shocked me and just made me feel like he really doesnt give a crap. I made the appointment on friday cause if I put it off again I just wouldnt go...I feel really hurt that the money was his first thought.

Thomas has had an awful 2 days.. Just screaming and not settling. Jay thinks he is teething cause his hands are shoved in his mouth and he is dribbling. I had th esame thought but cant see any signs of any teeth..

Hollie has just been a maniac today. That girl has anger issues which I think come from her lack of sleep. Im sooo over the nights in this house. Lastnight I had about 2 hours all up. I was up and down with her putting her back to bed every hour then feeding him. I cant do this anymore. I just want her to sleep and stay in her own bed.....

Best be going to bed...

2007-05-30T19:30:00.000+10:00

ahhhh where am I up tooo.. Lastnight I spent the night at the hospital with thomas. He has a chest infection and an ear infection.Lastnight he was grunting a and I counted his respirations and they were a bit fast so I rang the hospital and they said to bring him in and they kept him... The beds for the parents in that place are so bloody uncomfy. When I get rich Im gonna donate some comfy ones..LOL....

Jay and I are still not discussing money cause everytime we do we fight, so Im just selling a few things on ebay to get some more things off ebay ( lol) for the kids.. Thanks to Jody, Sarah and Tracey for the advice and hugs.... I put a post on EB and got a lot of mixed repsonses and a bit of ammunition..LOL.... I desperatly need to get that tablet for thrush cause Thomas and I just keep getting it over and over and I think its living in my breast tissue, But everytime i mention it I get the " do you really need it" look cause its $28 or something... ARGHHHHHHHHH MEN!!!!

Thomas weighed in ( sounds like biggest loser) at 5.2 kilos last wednesday and is 56cm long. What a little shorty... LOL.. Arkaydia is 7 weeks younger and is the same length. He is a midget...

Hols been both funny and a PITA lately. SOme of the stuff she comes out with is soo funny. Its really amazing how many things she picks up from me. I better start watching what I say i think. SHe keeps saying, "for christs sake".oops. She loves to play daycares and has started reading stories to Thomas when he is in his rocker. Its very cute to watch. I think she has finally accepted that he is here to stay.. About time...

2007-05-22T21:24:00.000+10:00

God where does the time go....... Ok quick update on stuff...

GOt the results back from Hols tests.. She has central Apnoea which means she does pause in her breathign but her oxygen levels only drop by 2% so its not a major health problem and wont hurt her. SHe alos has Parasomnia which means she arouses during deep sleep often and this is when she sleep walks and sleep talks. There is nothing we can do about either of these so we just have to deal with the waking every hour... CRAZY. I have also taken her back to the peadiatrician for a reflux review and he has put her tablets up to 1.5 a day and we are to go back in a month to see how its going and decide if we take it up another dose...

Jay and I have been fighting constantly. The big issue is basically MONEY and I think Sleep deprivation isnt helping. He has basically taken all rights to money away from me and im not happy. TOmmorrow is my pay week which i usually get any stuff the kids need and pay laybys and stuff off and get nappies and scripts. Well Im not allowed to have the money and He will be in charge.. OH GRR.He is pissing me right off. WE had the biggest barney the other night and I was bawling and screaming at him that the kids and I were leaving. I had Thomas in my lap and looked down and the gorgeous little thing was looking up at me with sad puppy dog eyes. Was so cute. During our fight i came out and said something that I coudlnt stop once it started to blurt out. I said to jay " You get to be in charge of everything Im sick of it, I even named our son a name I didnt want just cuase you did".. Once I said it I thought OMG I must have had those feelings about his name buried deep. Didnt even realise I had issues with it..

Now On to THOMAS..... OMG i dont know what to do with him. THe poor little fella has reflux and I think it is getting worse rather then better. The last few days have been a nightmare. He is screaming and wanting to be held and fed all day. I thnk my milk supply is really low, I never feel full and a few time I have offered a bottle after he has guzzled. I dont kow whats going on.. Im thinking maybe it could be cause Im stressed and exhauseted and therefore im not making milk. I dunno... Im probably only getting about 3 hours sleep a night at the moment with Hols and him.....

Starting to get sleepy so Ill go for now and ill bbs....

2007-05-14T20:33:00.000+10:00

Quick post to say OMG my baby is 3 months old.... Heres a pic I took today.. Isnt he just soooo devine....

Be back tommorrow for a rundown on the last week....

2007-05-07T16:48:00.000+10:00

A beautiful moment happened tonight. I was layinng with Hol on her bed and sgrabbed my face in her hands and said "I love you much mummy".... Its moments like that that just melt mt eart and make me realise what a lovely little girl she is. She is so loving and quite often throughout the day she asks me for a littl hug..

The other day she came out wiht "what a dickhead" thanks to her dad while he was watching footy. I love it when she says."I found it you can stop looking now" when she is looking for something.. SOOOO CUTE>>

Thomas has done nothing but scream for 3 days. Im totally and utterly exhausted. Jay even stayed hoem this morning till 11am from work so I could go get a little bit of sleep... On saturday Thomas did a few huge smiles and was looking out the door smiling. They are still few and far between but at least he is having a go..

Im so frustrated with our money situation at the moment. I think im going to either get my butt in to gear and go full slog in the photography studio or get some night work while Jay is at home with the kids. Its hard with a new baby to do lots of photo shoots. I had a wedding booking for end of the year but I had to refer her on to my old collegue cause its just so hard to do a wedding when you have a new baby and dont know what your nights leading up to it will be like..

We took the kids to the show on Friday night, Hollie had a ball. Pity we ran out of money.. I love the face painting hol had done. I think i wanted it done more then she did LOL...

2007-05-06T19:41:00.001+10:00

I finally got around to do a layout...Not that brilliant but Hey its a layout..

2007-05-03T20:47:00.000+10:00

I dont think I have done a post without photos for so long. I just cant help myself with these cute kids of mine.. LOL

These photos are of HOls ( and thomas) in the dress that Hollysangel bought Hollie for her bday. Both her and I just love it.. LOL...

I took these photos of Thomas in his little outfit that Hollysangel also bought him when he was born. Its a 00000 but was a big one. They were taken on the 17th of April he had his huge growth spurt just after this so I dont think it would fit now.

2007-05-02T20:19:00.000+10:00

Today we went and had thomas weighed and he has definately had his 6 week growth spurt in the last couple of weeks ( he is 6 weeks corrected). He now weighs a whopping 10 pound 6 and is 53cm long. Today he is 11 weeks old. Where has that time gone??

Im not sure how to write this, but Im having ISSUES with Thomas being chubby. Or I guess its when people say he is chubby. Or actually I guess its when people say, he doesnt look like a premmie.. OH I DONT KNOW... Sounds really stupid but it feels like the journey we have been on is being minimised.. ohhh i dont know it sounds soo ridiculous..... I posted on eb about it and some of the girls got the gist of it...
here is a couple of replies that helped me see im not an idiot.

I think you've hit the nail on the head yourself, and I feel like that a lot with DD2 (strangely not so with DD1, who was my bigger chubbier premmie). People try to help, but sometimes we interpret the things they say as making our experiences insignificant. We still need to grieve the loss of pregnancy, troubled starts and experiences that didn't go how they should have.

It was only last week I was chatting to some Mums and they were talking about what happens after the baby is born ie the nurses leave and it was scary as they didn't know how/when to feed, change nappies etc - and the sadness was overwhelming, I might have two babies but I don't know what they're talking about, and i'll never get to experience that sad.gif Similarly when I comment DD2 was 2 months early and the response is "oh she's fine now, that's all that matters" just makes me feel so small!

Talking about it does help though, probably the reason I respond to these types of questions with my own little vent grin.gif

I hear you Kays, the grieving process with premmies can be complicated. And it is okay to feel that way. Being 'just' five weeks premmie doesn't matter. When it involves something so precious, the emotions attached are always strong.

Ds is heading toward one year, and while every logical part of me knows I should be celebrating, my feelings are betraying me, and I am finding it difficult to keep the lid on them. Maybe I shouldn't, but then to outsiders I look ungrateful for this little blessing.

I just want to be normal.

Well Thomas has been screaming all afternoon and Im just totatlly and utterly depleted of any energy. I cant even speak im sooo tired..

2007-05-01T17:59:00.000+10:00

I dont think i have said about Thomas going on to losec for his reflux.. poor darlin.. Cant believe i got another one.. He cries a lot and is quite a lot of pain from colic an reflux, it just isnt fair. Hate seeing my kids in pain.....

Im one handed typing again so thats it for today

2007-04-29T21:02:00.000+10:00

Heres some pics I took of my nephew, Noah. I tried to get a nice a photo of the 3 of them for mum but they were mucking up. I got one that was OK....

2007-04-28T21:02:00.000+10:00

We have been in Sydney the last few days... Had to take HOllie down to the sleep clinic to have a sleep study done. She wakes at least every hour. When I was in hospital mum noticed she pauses in her breathing and wondered if she had sleep aponea since mum does and it can be genetic. So we got a referal and off we went...

I couldnt stay with her because I had Thomas so daddy had to stay with her the night. I went up to the ward while they hooked her up though. She was such a good little girl. It took over an hour for the girl to put all the wires in.

While we were there we took her to the acquarium. She loved it but her favourite thing was the pengos.. LOL..it was pissing down rain and we had to park a fair way away so we all got wet. The bloody parking cost us $38 for 2 hours. OMG I couldnt beleive it.While we were there I was waiting on an sms from cam cause Roxy was going in for ceaser at 8am. By 2pm I was really starting to freak out. Then I got a text that said " Roxy and bub being flown to adelaide cause of complications". I was absolutley freaking out then. NO other details and Cam wouldnt answer his phone. I was beside myself with worry and trying hard not to vomit. Later that night I got on to Cameron and Roxy. Kadence Indiana grace was born at 9am and swalloed and aspirated a lot of fluid. She basically drowned it. She had to have work done on her and then transferred to a bigger hospital.

After the acquarium we went to stay with Jamies mate, Charlie and his wife, louise. Charlie was telling us how to get there over the phone, and instead of it taking us 30 mintues it took us 3 hours.. The kids were feral and both crying and it was pissing down with rain. we finally got there and they had an awesome apartment on the water. I was totally freakin gout that Hol would trash something..

On Anzac day we walked 5klm to olympic park to go to the brewery but when we got there it was closed so Lousie and i took the kids to DFO for awhile then we dropped them to the boys who were blind, and we went to IKEA.. OMFG I love taht place..

I had a really nice time and felt comfortable with Louise. I hadnt had much to do with her before and she is really posh and fancy and I am so NOT, but we got on really well..

The other highlight was that I met DEb and her gorgeous littl boy Ryan from EB. We met at the Rhodes shopping centre and had a lovely couple of hours. Later on I was thinking about the day and realised that I had left Thomas with Deb while I took Hol to the toilet. I didnt even think twice and I had just met this girl. How wierd is that...

2007-04-21T22:31:00.000+10:00

Well Hols bday has been and gone for another year.. I cant quite believe that my Baby is 3 its really sad how fast they grow.. This last year has been an amazing year in her development and she just suprises me more and more each day.

You know what the little bugger did. She has been fully toilet trained now for about 2 months. After all the fighting and tears. After I came home with thomas she kind of got in her own groove and did herself. I cant beleive it, im so proud of her.....

She had a lovely day. She was in hospital for croup on friday night and was still pretty icky on her bday ( sunday) so we didnt do anything big. I just made her a cake and the family and god parents called in for some cake and pressie drop off... She got a vsmile and a barbie set thing off us and seemed to like it. When she opened hte barbie up she said " oh cool" LOL.. Anyone would think she is 13 not 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heres a few pics from the day...
She got these funky wings off sal for her bday that flap.. i love them.....

2007-04-19T21:57:00.000+10:00

Thomas got weighed yesterday and had his needles.. He now weighs 9 pound and a half. Little fatty he is. He is still only short at 52cm... Cant beleive how fast he is growing.. Been trying to get some smiles out of him but he just isnt ready :( Finding it so hard in comparison to Hollie..

I feel like I cant pay him any attention cause HOllie then does something to him to get the attention back on to her.. He is such a cuddly little thing and just loves to be held close...

I finally got around to typing up my diary from hospital.. Im going to just add it in here So i have it all in one spot... Its long though...

29th January 2007

Had my first ride in a plane yesterday down to John Hunter Hospital. I have preeclampsia and my kidney function is down. Having only one kidney and being under 34 weeks I had to come down here as it’s a high risk maternity unit. Lady across from me snored and vomited all night so I only got about 2 hours sleep, even with sleeping tablets.Had a scan today and bubs I about 4 pound 8.

I had one set of steroids for bubs’ lungs yesterday and the second lot today.

When I was on the plane I was absolutely terrified. It was my first plane ride and my biggest fear of all time is going on a plane. I couldn’t believe I had survived it when we had landed though. I was so proud of myself. I kept my eyes closed the whole time though. A few times when I did open them the plane was on an angle and I was looking down at the ground.. While on the plane my Bp was 165/113 and pulse was 150. The plane was only tiny and I was strapped to a bed. The roof was basically on top of me.

The plane ride was only 25 minutes. When we got there were 3 ambulances waiting for me and the other 2 patients with flashing lights. It all looked a bit dramatic.

At the airport before I left Hollie came to say goodbye. When I was still in the ambulance and was watching her I had to hold back the tears for her or I would totally melt down. They let her come on to the tarmac. She watched me get on the plane, and then she waved to me as the plane took off. Watching my baby girl from the sky was heartbreaking. She must have been so confused. Mum said she broke down lastnight and had mum in tears as well. I miss her soo much, I just want to hold her and tell her how much I love her.

I better write how I came to be sent here to Newcastle. I was at mum and dads house and we were going to go and look at the country music festival. Before we left I used dads BP machine and the reading was really high. I rang the hospital and told them and they said come and have it checked. When I got to the hospital it was high but not really high (not as high as what dads machine said it was). The registrar said I could go home but said she would do bloods just in case. She asked could I stay at mum and dads house in Tamworth the night and if something came up in the bloods she would contact me over night. We didn’t hear from her so started to pack up to go home when the mobile rang and the OB said I had to go in and have steroids and get flown to Newcastle. Talk about throw us into chaos. Jay had to go hoe and get us stuff before driving to Newcastle.

30th January 2007
Got told today by the foreign cleaning lady, that I have a beautiful smile. Was nice to get a compliment.

Bp was up a bit today. Last numbers were 150/85. Bit of protein and had more bloods taken. Renal specialists come in and said they are happy with how I am going at the moment. I also saw the anesthetist and the respitory specialist. .

Jay and I had a bit of a tiff today and I ended up back in my room crying. I am missing Hols so much.

31st January 2007
Not much happening today. BP this morning was 160/90. Protein back down to +1. Had sleeping tablets lastnight but it still didn’t help me sleep. One more sleep till I get to see my precious girl. I cant wait. Sounds like she is having a ball with mum and dad.

My tummy is so huge and tight. I am waddling so much. Feel like I just ant fit anymore baby in there. At the moment there are about 8 pregnant women in here. Babies are down the other end so not sure how many there is.

1st February 2007
First day of Feb already and I have been here for 5 days. Hold turned up today but didn’t get to stay for long. We walked down the corridor to wait for them. Hol was in the pram and started yelling out I LOVE YOU. Then she ran up and hugged me so tight. She just kept looking at us then. I cant believe how much she has grown. She is just so gorgeous.

My BP was up again today so I started BP meds. It was 150/90 this morning and went back down to 140/86 tonight. The girl in the next room had triplets at 31 weeks. How scary.

I woke at 4:30am to nurses running and one of the pg girls screaming. I think I heard them say she was 35 weeks. She has had the bub now. God im nosey, wish I knew what was going on.

2nd February 2007
I was woken again by a screaming women in labour during the night. Apparently there was a set of twins and 3 single babies born overnight.

I am feeling really lethargic and tired today. Protein still +1 and BP was 130/95 tonight. Just more sitting and waiting and hoping to transfer back to Tamworth next week.

Hollie kept saying her baby was hitting her in the stitch today. So funny. She also kept telling me not to stress.

3rd February 2007
Not much happening. Bp still wavering is 140/90 tonight so still up there even with the meds. Hol and Jay came today and by the time they left I was stressed out. I got a bit teary about causing so much chaos and our life being so unsettled. Let’s just hope we get back to Tamworth. Two more sleeps till 34 weeks.

Hols new name for the baby ( besides Trevor) is Jessie. She is such a funny kid full of so much personality. I love just watching her playing her games and pretending she is different people.

Feeling a bit lonely and sorry for myself stuck in here. Feel like I shouldn’t be here and the dr was just being over cautious.

5th February 2007
Got transferred back to Tamworth today. You would think I would feel more at home but I feel lonely as ever. The good thing is I got to come home in the car with Jay. I was free for a few hours. I just wanna go home with Jay and HOls. Im so homesick.

Hollebone has already put my BP meds up to 3 a day. Doesn’t look like Ill be going home anytime soon I don’t think.

6th February 2007
Another day down. Feeling really lonely. Didn’t get to see Hols or Jay today. Spent most of the day sleeping with a headache.

Bp is up and down again. Last reading was 135/92.

Hol told Jay tonight that she would “dream of mummy”. Made me cry…

7th February 1007
Still sitting around waiting. Feel like a big fat heffa at the moment.

BP was and down again today. One reading was 146/95. HOllebone has put me up to 6 Bp meds a day and that he wants to get me to 36 weeks but doesn’t think I will get any further then that. He said I wont be going home till baby is born..

Im missing Hols so much. I have spent 10 nights away from her. The longest I have ever been away from her before this was 3 nights. Feel like I have lost my little soul mate. Feel like she doesn’t need me.

8th February 2007
What a day!!! Woke up this morning and HOllebone said I could go home. BP stable on 6 tablets a day. So got excited and packed my stuff.. THEN…. Had BP take it was sky high so I thought I wasn’t going home, then they did it with a different machine and it was ok so they said I could still go. Was ready to go and then a dr appeared telling me Im not going anywhere. My bloods weren’t good. Kidney function not good and platelets are low.

Hol came up for a little bit today. Hope she understands whats going on. Tonight when Jay asker her about it she said “Mummy has to stay in hospital for baby”….

Its so busy in here all of a sudden. All the beds are taken and there are babies everywhere.

9th February 2007
Well I might be having the baby tomorrow. Having bloods in the morning then the decision will be made. Im totally freakin out. My kidney function isn’t great. I had a scan this arvo to check on bubs. Its in a weird position with back on mine legs up. Bub was apprx 2.2 kilos which is roughly so it hasn’t really put on much weight in a week and a half. I cant believe tomorrow I might be having my baby.

Hol and Jay came for a visit today. Hol told me she loved me which was nice to here.

10th February 2007
No baby today. Bloods weren’t that much worse today so baby stays in another day.

I got to go out for a few hours this arvo and went to mum and dads to hang out. As I sat and watched Hol in the pool my heart just broke for her. I just want to be with her getting her ready for the baby. I feel so guilty for leaving her. I just want to hold her.

Earlier on in the day when mum and dad bought Hollie up, she wrapped her hands around my neck and just sobbed her little heart out cause she wanted to stay with me. I just wanted to break down but I knew once I did I wouldn’t stop.

11th February 2007
Another boring day in jail. HOls and Jay came and spent some time with me and that was really nice. I cried myself to sleep lastnight. I just miss having my last Pregnant days at home with Hollie. Its been 2 weeks today that I have been in hospital.

13th February 2007
Another exciting day in paradise. Im so over it. I just want to know what is happening. Today the renal guys came in and said I was booked for a ceaser for tomorrow so I spent all arvo trying to find out if I was or not. I found out about 6pm I wasn’t.

I was allowed to duck out for 20 minutes with mum to go down the shopping center tonight. Wasn’t allowed out any longer then that..

Missing my girlie like crazy. I just want to cuddler her and tell her I love her. Cried myself to sleep lastnight. Just feel like im missing out on 3 whole weeks of her life.

18th February 2007
Oh wow what a few days it has been. On Tues (13th feb) I started to get pains at 11pm and kept quite about them for about an hour. I then told the midwife who told me to just watch them for another half hour and see what happens. They continued so I got moved around to the labour ward to be monitored and have my stitch out. OUCH its was the most painful thing. I got stuck into the gas but it was so friggin painful. Jay wasn’t even there yet to hold my hand..When he turned up at 2am Hol had to sit there with us for half hour till mum came and got her.

I was given pethidine to see if it would stop the contractions but they continued all night. So at 7am Dr H came in and said we were having a ceaser at 8:30am. So off I went to get prepared,was trying to act calm and cool but I was freaking out. Just before I went in Hollebone told me that my baby might have to be flown away cause we didn’t know the condition of it and its weight was a bit low.

I had a spinal this time and was freaking out that it might wear off but it didn’t. Thank god. Kept asking poor anesthetist if he was positive it wouldn’t.

The most special part of the whole event was when I heard the registrar, Alex say “Hello little darling” while he was still inside me. It melted my heart that someone so caring was the first person he saw. I couldn’t believe it was a boy. I kept saying to jay, it cant be a boy, I was sure it was a girl. He came out screaming with apgars better then Hollies. They were 8 and 9.He weighed 2225 gram and he is 42cm long.He is so tiny.

He spent 2 days in the humidicrib but I couldn’t go to see him as I was still hooked up to everything. It broke my heart. He had his drip taken out on day 4, which made it much easier to cuddle him. Those few days following his birth were a bit of a blur. I was so drugged up I couldn’t even contemplate a name. So he went 3 days without one. I had a reaction to the morphine which made me scratch nonstop, it nearly sent me out of my mind.

He is being tube fed and boob fed. He is doing really well with it but just gets tired sucking. He dropped back to 1995 on day 3, but had plenty more he could have lost before we would worry. He got his drip out yesterday (thankgod it was so annoying).He will be 5 days old tomorrow and 36 weeks.

Ive been so afraid I wouldn’t bond with him, but it was hard cause I hadn’t really been able to spend any time with him…

Im so homesick I miss my girl like crazy. I just wanna go home.

DAY 6 19th February 2007
Today was the day I was booked to have my ceaser. Hard to believe he is 6 days old. Today we had a weigh in but he hadn’t gained any weight. They checked his stomach content after 10 minutes sucking and he only had 2 mls in there. Should be 40mls. Im so upset.WE will never get home at this rate.Im just missing Hollie sooo much and wanna go home and be a family. I miss my pregnant belly so much and I miss my little boy too, feels like I am so far away from him even though it is just down the hall.

I watched him have a bath today. He has no fat on him. Looks like a little skinned rabbit with his ribs sticking out. I cant imagine taking him home to our family. I cant imagine being a mum of two..

DAY 8 21st February 2007
My baby is a week old today. He had a gain today taking him up to 2235. He was pretty sleepy most of the day, but had a beautiful boob feed tonight. We used a nipple shield which made such a difference.

A baby was born today that couldn’t breath. The NETS team came in and Flew him to the childrens hospital . The poor mum couldn’t go because she had had a ceaser. I was devastated for her.

DAY 9 22nd February 2007
The drs think I have a clot in my lung. Yesterday I had blood taken from my artery which was sooo painful. Today I had scans done on my lungs and calf. I will have the results tomorrow. When I got to the scan the guy told me I couldn’t breastfeed for the next 12 hours. Made me so mad he didn’t tell me before so I could have expressed some milk off. So I have to express and dump what a waste.

Jay and Hol came over tonight for a short visit. I miss them so much. How is our life ever going to get back to normal..

Another baby got flown out by the NETS team this morning. She had really tiny lungs. How scary for the parents.

DAY 10 23rd February 2007
Weight gain of 65grams today, brings him up to 2295.

DAY 12 25th February 2007
Weigh in Today. I was a bit disappointed. Thomas had only put on 15 grams. So he is now 2310. I guess it’s a gain and not a loss. Jay and Hols came today and helped bath him, which was nice to do as a family. Then I went out to mum and dads for the day for dads bday. It was so nice to be out of here but it felt so strange not having Thomas in my belly and not having him in my arms either.

Hol has grown up so much while I have been gone. I feel like I have missed an important part of her life. Im so scared of going home.

DAY 14 27th February 2007
Weigh in today and we have put on 45 grams. He is now 2355. I think he is starting to wake up a bit more finally. He had 2 really good breast feeds today and the rest tubes. The ob registrar came and spoke to me today and said the nurses were worried about my mental state. Surely it would be totally normal for me to a bit emotional after being here for so long and what I have been through.

Hol and Jay came over tonight. She is such a cutie. She was telling me that when she wakes up she says “why, why, why all day”.. She didn’t have to tell me that I know she does. LOL.

DAY 16 1st March 2007
Thomas weight in at 2390 today. A gain of 35 grams. Pediatrician decided he needs to be pushed so we are moving from alternate breast and tube feeds to try all breastfeeds. If he doesn’t wake for a feed then we do a tube. He hasn’t had a tube since 4am yesterday. How exciting. He roomed in with me last night which was a challenge.

Hollie came over today and had the day off so we could go do a few things, but everytime I got in to a shop the hospital rang cause Thomas was shouting and wanted to feed. I had my haircut which felt awesome…

DAY 17 2nd March 2007
Peadiatrician said as long as there is a weight gain tomorrow we can go home. So Thomas will room in with me tonight and be weighed in the morning.. YAY

Day 18 3rd March 2007
WE are going home today. We had a weight gain of…. 15grams. But its still a gain..

2007-04-10T21:54:00.000+10:00

Pictures of my precious pair.......

2007-04-06T21:19:00.000+10:00

Totally exhasted at the moment.. Thomas feeding nearly all night atm. My milk seems to drop of at a night I guess due to tiredness and stress by the end of the day...

Been really emotional of late and I think its just the last 2 months catching up on me. I was told by another premmie mum that I would go through some grief. I think im doing that now. I find it really hard to get my head around the whole corrected age thing. Im just expecting way too much of him. Although he is 7 weeks at 2 weeks corrected he is doing what he should. Just sleeping and eating. I guess watching other babies ( full termers) of similar ages starting to smile and coo just makes it hard. Its all soooo different to hollie. He still cant attach very well to the boob and Ive had sore cracked nipples.

Seems like that hospital stay wasnt me at all and it was someone else I was watching from the outside. Ive changed a lot from that experience. I went through so many highs in lows in that time and felt so many different emotions.

Thomas is growing. He is about 3.5kilos now and still a shorty at 50cm long. Looks a lot like hollie did, but she was a lot more alert then him. He has a real boy face and you can tell he is a boy

Hols has been a total ratbag. People dont beleive me cause she always acts sweet as pie. Was soo glad that roxy got to see one of her performances the other day of her spitting in my face and smacking me and throwing things at me. At least I know Im not making it up now. LOL..

This is a picture of him and Baby annabelle( hols doll) taken at 7 weeks. Wish i took one of him with her when he was born.. GRR.

My gorgeous freind NET had her little baby girl on Tuesday. What a sweetie and she has a gorgeous name. Arkaydia Paige. Isnt it just devine. She was a tiny little thing in comparison to her boofhead brothers, weighing in at only 7 pound 1. Net pushed her out in an hour and half and was home the next day. What a bloody trouper. COngrats to her , pete and the boys.... Maybe when Thomas gives Annabelle the flick he can go out with Arkaydia..

2007-04-01T21:30:00.000+10:00

Well today Jay took Hollie to play golf with him for the afternoon. It gave Thomas and I the afternoon alone. Was really nice just to sit and be with him. I find it hard to pay him atention when HOllie is around cause she gets so jelous. Here is a pic I took of them together about a week after we got home. I wish she would enjoy him and spend some time loving him.

He has finally graduated to 0000s .LOL. Although the suit he wore today was a 00000. He looks so chubby to me until I catch him and I in the mirror as I walk past and he looks small. Jay took a photo of us lastnight before we went out to the cricket presentation. Ill add it..

He has reflux ( the one thing I didnt want this time) but doesnt seem as bad as Hollie was. She was a nightmare. He does want to be held a lot of the time and hates being laid flat. He has awful colic which leaves him in awful pain. Otherwise he is doing ok. He is 2 weeks corrected tommorrow and will be 7 weeks this week. He is changing soo much.

Hollie has grown up soo much. She can be such a PITA but then again she can be such a sweetie. She comes out with so many funny things... Everytime we come home from somewhere she says "home sweet home" cracks me up everytime. she also calls me "sweetie pie" and calls her and Thomas the cuties from Kooty(where mum and dad live). after that huge struggle of Toilet training her since sept she has basically decided to do it herself since I have been home. The one time I thought it wouldnt happen. The other day she came out from the toilet and said to my girlfriend " that poo had steam coming off it"LOL. I think she has been taking too much notice of the filth that comes out of her fathers mouth. LOL...

I cant beleive she will be 3 in 15 days.. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN..... Here is some pics of her and her new hat and her little chicken LOL...

2007-03-29T21:08:00.000+10:00

Finding it hard to find time to update...... Thomas doing well, HOl not being such a nice big sister. She keeps hurting him really bad and waiting till im watching to do it. Im at my wits end, I dont want to be mad with her but shes
pushing all my buttons. Jay and I are fighting cause Im so stressed out with her....grrrr.....

Heres some pics from in hospital and the ones where he is in the blue suit are the day he came home..

2007-03-21T21:22:00.000+11:00

Thought it was time I got in here and announced the arrival of

Thomas Jackson Born 5 weeks early on valentines day 2007 4 pound 14 and 42cm.....

I am currently writing up my hand written blog LOL from the time we were in hospital so hoping to link it to here when Im finished.. Here is some pictures of my little man During our hospital stay. I didnt take any of these as I didnt get to see him in the crib....

In the Humidicrib

2007-01-24T21:33:00.000+11:00

Lastnight We had to take HOls to the hospital at about midnight. She had a few bites after her sleep yesterday that were bigger then normal but not a worry. She woke at midnight saying stinging, so I took her top off and she had massive big raised welts in her armpit and down her side. She had a heap of little tiny welts inside it too. So off we trundled to hospital. Seems she is allergic to mossie bites. HEr cousin is as well and his blow up to tennis ball size.. ICK.. Not much we can do but phenergan and cream and try not to get her bitten.. Ill add a pic. This was taken after 3 doses of phenergan and the cream applied 4 times.

Today was my appointment with Hollebone to check on me and bubs. Fiona came for a drive with me which was fantastic cause I just couldnt do it on my own. Bubs is engaged, Bloods were just below normal, blood pressure was up and have +1 protein. The concern is that with one kidney I cant afford to have preclampsia. I have to have more bloods done tommorrow and go back again next week and im supposed to REST... Trying tell that to this family... GRRR..

I also picked up my scans today that said baby was about 1.8kilos last friday at scan, and that the growth has slowed a bit since previous scan ( a tad behind) but in the right range for current gestation... I have a pic of bubbys face... ITs soo cute..

Oh and the "Australian Princess" finale was tonight and Kylie won it.. Kylie is SILs sister ( penny). OMG im shocked.....

2007-01-21T20:15:00.000+11:00

Here is a LO I did last week. Nothing real exciting but at least its another one down. Its of Hol with santa Xmas 2005. The secret about santa is that its her god father under that suit. LOL....

Lastnight Jay got really drunk and spewed everywhere in the lounge room. I was sooo ropeable and left it there ( i always clean it up usually) today I made him go get the carpet cleaner from woolies to scrub it. Feral... Blokes really piss me off.... Woke up to him crying next to me at 1am. TOld me some news thats not very good but Im not allowed to share just yet either. Going to be a very sad week me thinks when results come in....

2007-01-19T21:21:00.000+11:00

Well yesterday was a bit of a drama... Woke up about 3:30am and felt a little gush.. Then went to toilet and had a full bladder. Wasnt quite sure what to do cause I didnt know if it was waters or wee. It didnt smell like wee though. I layed down for a bit long contemplating what to do then got up and rang the hospital ( an hour away), They said I really needed to be checked cause of the suture and asked if I could ring Local hospital and see if they could check me to see if it was ruptured membranes to save me a trip over there. Rang the hospital NO they dont have the stuff available to do it. So rang Tamworth hospital back and they told me I needed to go over...

Woke jay up and Hol up and started our drive to hospital. When we got there it was 5:30 am. The nurse checked the pad I had on and said there was a trace that read positive . She rang my OB and apparenlty he said "oh shit". LOL.. He told her to get the registrar in to do a swab and if it was positive I was going in helicopter. Midwife came back and told me what was going to happen ( basically said I was on helicopter being transferred). I was having contractions as I was hooked up to the machine and a couple of them were huge but were put down to BH in the end. Registrar came in and did swab and said there was no trace in canal but I had loads of extra mucous which was probably from the stitch. OB then turned up to check and told me I was ok to go home... SO it was all very dramatic and I was totally exhuasted.

Ob wanted me to have a scan to check growth ( this was before yesterdays scare he wrote the referral) just in case bubby needs to come earlier with this rising BP. So the only scan i could get was this morning unless I waited till end of february. So back to Tamworth we went again lastnight, and stayed with mum and dad then had to be at scan at 8am this morning. Bubby was moving around crazy and has the cutest little face, I cant wait to pic my scans up to see it. The lady asked did we know the sex and did we want to know. It was sooooooooooooooo tempting but we were strong. Bubby is only measuring 3 days smaller so thats fantastic. I need to get to at least 34 weeks to stay in Tamworth otherwise I have to go to sydney or Newcastle and I just cant do that with Hols.. Its head is sitting right on my cervix and suture so no wonder it hurts like hell..

When we were at the hospital and they had told me that I would most likely be flown out to newcastle I was talking to Hols and said mummy might have to go away and you will have to stay with Nan and pop.. She said "NOOOOOOOOOOO I want to be with you Mummy". Broke my heart in two..... Here is a pic mum took of us when we were away...

I forgot to write about my bday. It was loenly and sad and depressing. LOL... AND I fell over. I slipped on the kitchen floor and fell straight on my belly. POor dad didnt know what to do. He said he came to help me and he couldnt beleive how fast I got up off the floor. He kept saying are you ok all night.. I felt like a bit of an idiot actually. I went down pretty hard..

2007-01-17T17:34:00.000+11:00

Went to OB today. I Finally had a weight gain, Up 6 kilos from last appointment. LOL.. Still only puts me 3 kilos over the weight the day I found out I was pregnant cause I have had losses. The only real issue atm is that my BP is up to 145 on 80 which makes me borderline hypertension. Bit scared about it but he wants to see me next week to check on it and check for protein. I had the start of preclampsia with HOls and thats why I was induced, but bp didnt start rising till much later then this....

He also wants me to have an ultrasound to check growth again which is good that I get to see bubba again.. Cant wait....

AND I have a ceaser date.. its some time in the week starting the 5th of March but just keeping it hush for now. Need to have a bit of a suprise for the family...... Last night I couldtn sleep cause Im so scared about another ceaser. Last time I didnt have time to think about it was all too quick..

Having BH right this second so better go lay down..

2007-01-16T10:58:00.000+11:00

Just a quick post to wish myself HAPPY BIRTHDAY.... LOL....

Nothing exciting happening, we are just staying at mum and dads place in Tamworth cause Jay is working on the canteen for baseball for the lead up to country music. Its bloody hot and Im feeling it soo bad. Lucky mum and dad have a pool, but sometimes it just seems like too much hassle to actually get in. LOL..

Bubby is moving around crazy still making me feel very ill. I have OB appointment tommorrow and I cant wait to discuss all thats going on with him. Im getting lots of Braxton Hicks and lots of pressure in butt and cervix. Its really painful at times. Im 31 weeks as of yesterday. Starting to get a bit scared about the idea of having a newborn as well to look after as a toddler. But in a way cant wait to have my body back so I can actually do things. Just feel like everytime I bend over or move a leg is gonna come flying out my mouth... LOL.

Better go hang out with Hols before she trashes mums house again.

2007-01-11T22:48:00.000+11:00

ARGGHH Hols is being so trying again... GRR... Shes scared of everything and still hasnt been on her swing she wanted so badly and got from Santa. Shes scared of everynoise, shadows, cars, trucks. Its driving us crazy..... Shes also started smacking as a lot and spitting at us. My god where does she learn this stuff. By the end of the day Im just so over it....

When we were away she did something that blew mum and I out big time. We were sitting in the car and she said " the queen", I said " what did you say hols". " the queen is on the money mummy" she had a 50c peice in her hand. I couldnt beleive it. I was dumb struck. How does she know who the queen is? ive never mentioned it..

Ive had really bad Braxton Hicks for the last few days and they are driving me crazy. My OB said if I had any I need to go to hospital but its over an hour away and as long as they calm down when i rest I think ill just ride it out. Hols and I are going to mum and dads tommorrow so we will only be 10 minutes from the hospital if need be and I see OB on Wednesday.Bubby keeps getting its feet up under my ribs the little bugger. Had forgotten how awkward that feels.

Heres a little piccie Jay took of Hols and I tonight. He thought we looked cute snuggled up on the lounge... After looking at this photo i REALLY wanna get my teeth whitened. I rekon it would make such a difference. They are just so stained from years of smoking and coffee drinking...

2007-01-10T21:39:00.000+11:00

Im so naughty, I have really exciting news and I havent even posted it yet.. Hollie and I went away with mum and dad for 5 days to wait for the birth of my nephew. By 3 days past due date, Dad and I were killing each other, Hols wanted to go home to daddy, and bubby didnt look like wanting to leave his warm womb any time soon. So we came home. I had predicted him to be born on the 7th January(he was due the 1st). When Lee went in to labour on the 5th I was bit shattered that my prediction was wrong, but after 32 hours of labour the little bugger held out till the 7th ( at 1am) and was born by ceaser. All just to prove that Anuty Kase knows all. LOL.... So Id like to introduce

NOAH JAMES RILEY born 7-01-07 weighing 9 pound 7, but a little shorty at 50cm. HC 37cm.
He is a bit of a boof head, and covered in a bad red rash which he was having some tests done for. THis is the first photo i got sent, from James' phone. He was only an hour old.

He is so big compared to my little cherub at birth.LOL I havent actually met him but seen video of him. I cant wait till he loses that bashed up new born look and i can get down there clicking away with my camera..LOL..

2006-12-28T08:40:00.000+11:00

Here is a few more chrisssy photos..Love this one, she is just sooo gorgeous. I wanna eat her up..
with her Poppy.... I love this photo.... This is Jays dad, he has been through so much this year. He absolutely adores Hollie to bits. He is recovering from cancer and lots of chemo...With nanny. Hol looks soo much like her. Its hard to tell in this pic cause MIL eyes are closed. She usually wears glasses too, very rare to have a photo of her without them. I just love the way hols is holding her face... Hollie being the hostess with the mostess..... In her new swimmers