Yesterday was jays BIRFDEE ( as hol says)... He turned a big 30.......... so we had a party. It was a nice party but I was disspointed for jay cause all his freinds were gone by 12 and they left and went the pub. He didnt have the money to go plus had heaps of grog.. He kept ringing one of his mates to come back. Made me feel really sad for him , but He tells me he is fine and had a great time. About 20 people less then what we thought were coming came so that was dissapointing too.

As I said Jay rekons he had a great time. I didnt go to bed till 5:30am and he and his mum ( LOL) didnt go to bed till 9am. His dad left at like 10pm and his mum said she would be home later.. She went home about lunch time today..LOL.. I think they both enjoyed spending that time together. Jay was filling her with jack daniels...LOL.

I bought Hol a new dress for the party ( a really summery one). SHe was sooo proud of it, and we kept it a secret from daddy till she was dressed it in. She was so excited to show it off. She told everyone at the party about it.LOL. The problem was it was so bloody cold. I had to put stockings underneath and mum bought her a little crochet cardy but it was still too cold, so she had another jacket over that... Ill add a pic. She was just sooooo cute..

Yesterday I got up at 5am so today im absolutely knackered.. Think im going to head straight to bed now ( well it is 9:45Pm).... Heres a few pics of Daddys bday...............

Jamie felt the baby move for the first time today.. I had to hold my breath and he had to push down on a little ..LOL, but he did feel it..

We went and saw the OB today. He is pretty happy with how bubby and I are going. ( god why do men have the TV so loud GRRR i cant think).....He told me that I have 9 weeks to go till he can reassure me Ill have a baby to bring home.. :( Thats a pretty wierd statment actually considering babies can actually die at all gestations... I guess he was just pointing out that I need to rest to get to that stage for our baby to have a chance. So I need to stop doing so much cause I overdid it on the weekend and I could feel the pressure on my cervix.

When we got home from Tamworth there was a message on the machine from daycare saying a second day is available for hollie.. Now im freaking out.. I know , I know Im a crazy women. But now Im feeling all guilty about her spending 2 days away from me. ARGGHH my mind drives me crazy.. I know we need to do this for this baby in my belly and for us as well but it just freaks me out.

I went out to the studio to test the lights the other day and Hol wouldnt sit there for me to photograph so I had to jump in with her... I look awful.. Didnt even brush my hair.. And why does my face look soooo round when it doesnt in the mirror.. grrrr...

Well its a new day.... HOls is at daycare, and I tell you what it was so hard for me to leave her today ( figure that out). Guess that i just feel like hugging her today cause I feel so bad about yesterday ( not that I did anything wrong- I just find it hard to be so tough, she is my miracle baby after all :( ) Last night I sobbed for hours, then jay came home and as we were going to bed we had a huge fight and i sobbed some more. He just went to sleep, and I ended up sitting up playing with my scrapping till 11:30. I feel like I have such a heavy heart at the moment. Each breath seems so hard to take. I REALLY need to ring that new psych, I have gone so off track.

Enough miserable crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Heres a few pics i took of Missy Manda before she went feral yesterday.

Forgot to say yestserday that Mel sat on the other end of the puter with my mic on so she could help me through hols tantie. It was fantastic and I didnt give it... Thanks mel....

Thanks Chelsea for ringing and checking on me after reading my blog.. Your a darling....Cant wait to catch up again..

Last but NOT AT ALL LEAST....... Im excited to say my great freind Jessica had a baby girl yesterday. Well done Jess, Im so happy for you and your family. She has entered into a beautiful family and Im sure I sisters willl adore her..... Im sorry you didnt get the birth you wanted, but you and bubby are safe and thats all that counts.... Cant wait to hear what name you choose..

Oh god its been such a crappy week that I havent even come in to say I had a scan on Monday... Bubs was well, wiggling around in there and everything seems on track. I hadnt drank enough water so had to drink more and wait. She could get all the measurements without the extra water but she needed to measure my cervix ( really important since I have the stitch).. Hopefully get to pick up scans on Monday and I can scan them in. My 11 week ones are still missing. GRRR.. Ive lost another kilo :(. Down 3 from pre preg.. Guess all that sickness and feeling crap has caused that, its not like I dont have a belly...

Hol has been so bloody naughty the last week and we have both been sick. Yesterday I totally lost my cool and when jay walked in the door I jumped in the car and took off. As I was driving around bawling I was thinking WHAT the hell have I done. I went through so much crap to get pregnant and Im such a bad mother, why the hell would I put another child through that.

TOday wasnt much better with tantrums and tears and screaming. I got through 2 tantrums and didnt give in, Im so proud of myself but out the same time feel like such a shit mum. Hope she didnt go to sleep hating me.. She actually bit me in her tantrum earlier today. It went on for about 45 minutes. It was exhuasting..

I did some painting with her this morning and thought I had put the paints up high enough. I went in my room to get dressed and when i came out I found her looking like this picture. She had it everywhere.

OMG i scrapped.. LOL.. Ive actually been working on this layout for a week or more. Its just soo hard when i dont have anything.. I have redone the word Feral about 5 times LOL..

Bloody little rascal Hollie is... Lastnight we had to take her to the hospital cause I was concerned she might have peumonia, anyway seems its just her asthma on top of a cold and she has 2 yucky ears and swollen glands as well... Today I have the cough and my asthma is playing up....

Anyway, I have to give her the nebuliser 4 hourly and she has screamed and kicked everytime and i have had to hold her there screaming... When DH arrived home after cricket and work ( thought the day would never end) I told him it was his turn to do nebs... YOu know what the little bugger did, she sat up there and kept the mask on.. GRR. I did the same thing as daddy and put the spare mask on and played games.... Little bugger... Here is a pic..(or 2 LOL).

OMG my nose looks pointy in that photo of belly....LOL... DOnt really get to see if from that angle much.

Hols has been really sick with fevers and an awful cough and runny poos. BLERGH.. Only one dr on today so cant get her seen to GRR they told me to go sit at the hospital and wait.. I think Ill leave that till I get desperate.

Im still really worried about the sharing my love thing. I go to bed of a night and thats all I think about. I have been having really bad anxiety attacks again too. Its only of a night when its quite and I have nothing else to think about... HOls has started to call the baby "baby" now instead of jellybean. She keeps kissing my belly and saying, I love you baby. Its very sweet......

I took these pictures of her yesterday when she had one of her energetic spells in between the really sick spells. You can tell shes not very well...

Bye for now

Im 17 weeks today. Only 20.5 to go ( hopefully).. Jamie has already started pointing out how long we have till viable gestation at 24 weeks. I have a photo to show off my growing body. Its so hard taking photos of yourself. LOL...

Not much has happened this last week. HOls is cracking us up with all her new things she knows and says. Talks about shadows non stop and how her shadow follows her everywhere. I even had to give her shadow breakfast the other day. LOL... She talks about what comes from different animals, like wool from sheep and bacon from pigs. Its so cute to hear her talk about those things.

Faith just called and she is having another BOY. YAY that was my guess. Look out phoebe. LOL..

Jay stayed home from work today he has been feeling off since Saturday. Think he will be glad to get back to work tommorrow, Hollie has been very trying today......

I took Roxys kids out into the studio when i was babysitting last week, was the first time I used my new camera in the studio. Heres a few shots. Dont mind Hollie jumping in with her silly glasses on. LOL

Just popped in to share some photos of my dad and Hols. Melts my heart to see the bond those two have. My dad and I havent always gotten on ( we didnt talk for 5 years) but I always knew he was there if I needed him. He adores Hollie so much and she thinks the world of him. What a special bond for them to have. There is a huge series of these photos but I will just share a few

Today was my OB appointment... Got to hear babys heartbeat. Was going along really strong. Blood pressure is great. Told him about the SPD and he said " OMG its gonna be a loong pg for you".LOL.. Asked him about if he would do the ceaser at 37.5 weeks before he goes on holidays, he said he doesnt want to commit to that just yet and we will disucss it down the track. He said he would really like to do it for me and he understands why I want him to do, but he said so much can happen that he doesnt want to make promises. It made me feel better though that he didnt just say NO. He gave Hollie a balloon and he thought it was pretty cool that she bought her own stethescope along..LOL.

He said I can do a few more things at home like vaccuming and washing and stuff ( thank god the house is a mess) but he doesnt want me to do more then I have to. Wants me to be off my feet when things start to feel heavy and Im not to do any lifting.. IE was told not to carry the basket to the line.. SO I guess I just need to be sensible and know my limits. On Wednesday I know I did too much, I could just feel it and I HAD to sit down before I collapsed.

I was just reading through Kim archers blog ( ive been a bit behind LOL) and OMG she was in Gunnedah last month. She went and did some classes at the big keepit retreat. I really want to go to that this year but didnt have the money.... DUH.. I was just so excited when I saw that she said she went to a lovely little country town called Gunnedah.. Is that lame or what?( that im excited, not that she came here LMAO)

Im at mum and dads at the moment. Mums home sick so Hollie is in having a sleep with her. Jay will come over tommorrow afternoon after work and we will stay again tommorrow night and go home on Sunday. I think my brother and his wife are coming home tommorrow too so that will be nice to catch up..

bye for now
kaysie

Its been a few days since I have updated. Ive had a lot of thoughts running around in my head with even a panic attack thrown in there but just couldnt quite get the words or the thoughts down..

I was 15 weeks yesterday... TOok a photo but I just look way to gross to share it... LOL, dont wanna scare you...

Jay has gone back to work so its just me in the grubb. I still get yelled at everytime I do something and its driving me mental. I asked him could I do something the other day and he said " if we lose this baby its YOUR fault, Ill blame you forever". OMG I was crushed.. I know he was angry when he said it and apologised profusley later but it was on my mind all day and night...

Hol has been in undies for 3 days now... Had a bit of a messy incident today that I just cant talk about or ill heave. Pregnancy and TT doesnt go well together.

Heres a few pictures ive taken while laying around and crap, its hard to take photos when you cant squat....

Bye for now

Just adding this here for roxy so she knows how pg she is...LOL

OMG Im sooooo spoilt. The beautiful girls on EB put in and got me a DVD player and got some stuff for HOllie.... WE are very lucky. I cant beleive people that dont even know me would do that for me, shows me that there still are good people in the world. Im absolutley shocked.....

Took some photos ( from the lounge LOL) of Hollie opening her pressies. She was sooo excited. Not sure if it will let me upload them though... Ill try.. GRRRRR try again later......

Back from having the stitch in.All went ok I think. I had a general this time instead of the spinal so that was good cause the spinal always takes awhile to get in to my crooked spine. They put maxolon in my drip this time so that was fantastic, the ventolin makes me soooo sick. The ventolin stops any contractions. THe stitch was put in at 3cm this time, rather then the 1cm like Hollie which is a relief. Still bleeding but hopefully that will settle soon. COuple of more days of bed rest then I can start doing a few things again. CANT WAIT.

I had all the same midwives looking after me that I had when Hollie was born, so that was nice to talk to them all again. Just a shame that you cant have the baby there anymore and can only be transferred after its born..

Picked up the camera on Tuesday, now i just owe Mr Harvey Norman lots of money, Lukily he isnt charging me interest for 4 years. LOL. Heres a few shots of Hol I have taken from the lounge and bed.LOL

Just a quick update to say the baby is still hanging in there. Was sucking its thumb on the ultrasound and we could see its tiny fingers...... My OB had been ringing my GP all day worried about the baby cause he hadnt called yet. I like that, it means he cares.....

While I was there he stuck a scalpel in my cyst..... It hurt like Hell. I just about fainted.....

Off to hospital tommorrow

Bye for now

Just wanted to post a digital Lo I did yesterday while I was completely and utterly BORED.....NOt very flash, but I havent done one for awhile.

Just had my Ex boyfrends sister come and visit. That was really nice, cause we used to be so close but havent spent time together for a few years....

Do you ever think back to a place in your past and think that back then you would have never dreamed that you would be who you are now? I never thought I would ever have to do IVF or be high risk pregnancy. THought it would just come easy cause I wanted it so bad. If I had of stayed in the relationship I was in ( with an abusive, alcholic, drug addict) I would never of had the chance to have a child. I always blamed the fact we couldnt get pregnant on him and his alcohol. No way in the world I would have thought it was me. In a way Im glad that I couldnt fall pg to him, I would still be there and chained to him for life. I cant imagine myself in that life anymore. I cant beleive I was once there.

Ok enough reminescing ( sp?). Im only having spotting when having a shower cause im standing up for a long period ( was told that would happen), besides that I have had No more bleeding. I havent moved off the lounges since I got homw though. Only to go to the toilet and lay back down.

You know when I was in hospital, I couldnt stop thinking about if I lost this baby how I would cope watching Net, faith, Roxy, Lee and Penny have there babies. OMG it would tear me apart and probably ruin all the relationships I have with them.

Yesterday I had to whip down to the dr to show him this bloody painful thing I have on my back. Called Denise ( nurse that used to run playgroup) to come over and have a look for me. She came and said I needed it to be seen to cause it was red and inflamed. The dr said it is an infected subacious cyst, doesnt that sound lovely?.LOL. He has given me some antibiotics but crikey its still killing me..

Jay and Hols have gone to the baseball presentation so Im home alone, bored off my nut. Hope they dont stay out too late, as Hol isnt 100% and she is really tired.

Keep forgetting to mention that I ordered my new camera. Its a cannon 30d digital SLR. This will be my first digital SLR. Im a bit scared about giving my film SLR a flick to the back of the cupboard :(. I get sooo hesitant about change. Anyway this is the new way of the photography world so I need to go with the flow. Have to admit im starting to get excited about playing with it. If its in Jay might pick it up Tuesday while im in hospital ( we have to pick it up in Tamworth)...

Bye for now.

Well ive been in hospital since early hours of monday morning. I woke up to go to the loo at 2am and I had lots of bright red bleeding. Thought I was going to pass out I was so freaked out. Rang the hospital and they told me to come in. I wanted to just drive myself there but NO Jay wouldnt have that, so we woke Hols up and bundled her into the car and off to the hospital.

I have been going absolutley crazy in there. I wasnt in materinity I was just in the general ward with 3 old ducks. The aboriginal lady that came into emergency not long after me has 11 bloody kids. SHe had people going in and out of emergency carrying on and then we got moved in the same room. She had ( no joke) about 50 visitors in one day. I had one visitor, Roxy....How sad.

he last couple of days ive been so scared that I havent been rubbing my belly or talking to bubs ( as i do) cause im just too scared. Last night when i could get anyone to listen with the doppler I was freaking cause I had a feeling things werent good. The morning sickness has just about gone, which scares me even more, pretty ironic since I just wanted it to dissapear..LOL Deb came on this mornign and checked with the doppler so that was reassuring.

My dr hasnt told me diddly squat so I asked my freind to check my notes and he didnt have a reason for bleeding written in there. When i went to sign out I was talking to the nursing manager ( who i know) and said I had a few spots this morning but the blood wasnt bright, as it was when I came in. She explained that cause I have an imcompetent cervix, whenever the cervix gets a bit of pressure on it ( ie me standing up and babies wieght on it) it thinks that it needs to start shortening and dialate. Which is where the bleeding is coming from apparently.

Im still off to hospital on Tuesday for the stitch and I will have a scan on Monday to ( in drs words) " check the preganacy is viable". What a horrible word.

I have just missed Hollie soooo much... Lastnight she said to me "you come home too mummy" I just bawled and bawled after she left. Today she is in daycare so I dont even get to see her again..

I am soooooooooooooooo itching to get up and do something... House is driving me nuts. GRR. Im only on toilet privledges still. WOnder if I will ge any visitors at home. Im so lonely :(

Love you little baby, Hang on for mummy....

The baby is ok...... Tears of relief..... Bicko did an ultrasound and the baby was jumping around and did a complete 360. It gave us a little wave too. He said the blood is just from around the baby somewhere but isnt a problem. I did have to go to hospital to have an ANTI D injection though cause I have O neg blood and I have now had blood pass the baby....

OMG I am so relieved
THanks for your messages girls
Kaysie

Im Bleeding :(..... Stupid hospital told me I had to ring OB ( who is an hour away), rang him he doesnt come in till after lunch, he will call me then. Started really freaking out so rang GP ( who has ultrasound machine in his room) and he is seeing me at 1pm......

Please god let the baby be ok....

Kaysie

Just sitting here watching a show on prime about IVF while I update in here. Sitting here in tears. Even the word IVF sends me into a blubbering mess. The fact that any couple should have to go through it breaks my heart. I might be pg, but Im still scarred from the whole process and the guilt I hold of not being able to get pg the normal way. Last night talking to my good IVF freind Robyn, who is still going through it all for number 2. I feel her pain, I really do. My heart and my soul just ache for herand the chance for her to give a sibling to Jack.

WOW the girl on this show got 15 eggs. Seems like so many in my eyes.The most I have got is 7. HEr mum is talking about the grief she feels for her daughter, having to go through it all. I hope with all my mite that HOllie never has to experience difficulty in concieving or carrying her babies.

Jays baseball team won the grandfinal yesterday. There first year up in B grade. Im reallyproud of him and the team, they definately werent the favourites to win. Jamie also won the umpires award for sportsmanship. It was absolutely freezing while we were watching. At one point we were sitting in this freezing cold sleety rain. Jay went out last night and didnt get home till 2 am so I didnt go to bed till 3am. Feeling it today....

THe girl on that show just had her baby. Its like an extra miracle to watch an IVF baby being born. Watching that look in there eye of disbelief that they finally have there baby in there arms..

Better get tea and stuff done...

I went to thank Kylie today for taking on that wedding.. Seems she never called the girl. GRR . I did ring the bride and leave a message for her to call me if she wasnt happy with what Kylie offered and I would find her something else, but she never rang so thought it was all ok.. GRR....

Was just looking up some stuff on that net and found a picture of what my uterus looks like.. THis is a unicornuate uterus, which is like a one sided uterus... Pretty amazing that that can carry a baby. My single tube is actually blocked and twisted so probably looks even a bit more freaky then that.

Morning sickness is still here. I think its worse mid afternoon and night time... Please go away....LOL..

Not much else happening. Hols is at daycare today so I washed the carpets and did the general everyday vaccum and mop crap. Jamie has gone and organised a cleaner to come in once a week while im on rest for 2 hours. Problem is its his aunty, I would have preferred someone else. SHe will just come in and do a good vaccum and mop for me and wipe the bathrroms over. I said to Jay " um i dont just do the vaccuming and mopping once a week" LOL. Men have NO IDEA!!!
I have hayfever today and my eyes wont stop watering. Its an absolute crappy day outside and its sooo freezing. Had to totally change the clothes I had laid out for Hollie, since yesterday was such a beautiful day...

I took these photos of my gfs little girl the other day. Wasnt a photoshoot just wanted to take some pics of her while she was in a good mood..

Today is the 2 year anniversary of the death of a fantastic guy, that was taken far too soon.....

Rest in peace Greg

Well we got to see the little "J-bean" on Friday.. Hol came with us and watned to know if she could tickle J-bean.LOL. It was jumping around and bouncing off the bottom of my uterus. Its little feet were crossed and it was throwing its arms around... VERY CUTE. When I get the scans back next week I will take some photos of them.

Yesterday was Jays baseball final. He made it into the grandfinal, so he is pretty chuffed about that. Was a Loooonggg day over there and it was soo hot in the sun. I got sunburnt between the boobs ( lol). Jay got very drunk and I ended up leaving him at the pub at about 8:30. He got home at 2am with his freind Luke. Luke was Paryletic and was apparenlty saying he was gonna drive his car into the river and stuff so Jay was trying to get him out of there. Jay sustained scratches and sore back from trying to carry him out. LOL

When they got back Luke ( who is a big guy) said he didnt want to sleep alone he needed someone to cuddle, so he tackled me to the ground and fell on top of me. SOOO lucky he didnt make me lose the baby as he hit me in the stomach. Jay felt really bad about it and had a cry ( in his drunken state) when we went to bed. Jay then wanted me to bring Hol into bed incase he went in and tried to cuddle her.... so it was a loonnnnggggg night....

Today is fathers day and we just had the the inlaws over and sal and Luke ( different luke) for lunch. I made Jay brekky but he was too sick to eat it... GRRRR....

Right this minute Hol is outside trying to talk to the little girl over next door.. Shes yelling out "girl" "girl". LOL too funny. Today she has been continually talking about FUTTERBLYS ( butterflys) Cracks me right up....

This is a miserable post, that felt better to write down my feelings. Just ignore if you like. Its more therapy for me.


Ok I think its all just hit me...........

I cant stop crying. IM terrified of goign through all this again. My pregnancy with HOllie was soo hard and difficult. I dont think anyone understands the utter fear Jay and I lived in while I was pg. Going to the city to see the babies in NICU and being told our baby would be there. Not knowing when it was going to happen. I harldy moved till I got to 28 weeks for fear of going into labour. The trips in the ambulance to Tamworth in the middle of the night, and being told I would be flying out that night in a helicopter to have my baby. I remember 24 weeks. It was xmas day and I was relieved to be that far. I knew if I could get that far my baby had a chance of living...

I know I am SOO lucky that Hollie was as stubborn (and the bedrest helped im sure) as she was and had to be evicted but the whole expereince of her pregnancy will never leave us. I guess Dr Hollebone talking about how she would have been born at 22 weeks and not lived without the stitch, kind of freaked me out. I cant imagine my life without her.

I know I can do this again. I know I can get this baby to full term. I just need to get past the stitch going in without going into labour and its my job to do the rest.

Well, after staying awake all night worrying about the wedding, it seems my freind Kylie, who now owns a Photography shop may be able to do it for me. She actually has 4 weddings on that weekend.. LOL.. I used to work with Kylie in the photolab and we did the studio together. After talking to her today it remined me that her partner, Greg has his anniversary coming up. 2 years next week since he left this world. 29 years is just way too young for someone to die of cancer....

Anyway im pretty relieved about that, I just hope the bride is Ok with it. I will call her back again tonight after Kylie calls her and make sure she is happy. I think I was in a bit of shock when I called her from outside the OBs office lastnight, so I think I need to explain it a bit better when I ring. That without this stitch going in, I will lose my baby....

I forgot to mention yesterday that the stitch costs $ 580 to be put in. I get $180 back from that, and it costs $180 to have it taken out. Bloody ridiculous, considering without it I wont get a baby.

I also forget to say a HUGE thanks to Mel the other day. She sent me ( a 1kilo) box of scrapping stuff she didnt need. SHes a gem and Hollie was nearly excited as I was. LOL.. Thanks so much Mel........

Bye for now

Well we are back from seeing my gorgeous OB.... He wants to do the stitch at 15 weeks, which makes it the 19th of September. He has booked me in to hospital from the 19th-23rd but might get out a bit earlier if all is ok.. He reminded me off all the risks again, which is freaking me out again, but what choice do I have. He had a trainee OB in with him today and was explaining about the stitch to her. She was asking questions and he said that if I hadnt of had stitch I would have had Hollie at 22weeks. Thats how close dialation was :(. Very scary. So Im having the stitch in at 15 weeks instead of 20 weeks.

My BIG dilemma is.......... I have a wedding the weeke after that and he has told me its rest after the stitch. He said he can do his bit but I have to do my part as well. I need to find another photographer that will do my price. NO IDEA how I am going to do that. I did try to get her another photographer when I first got pg and I knew the risks( but I thought stitch would be in at 20 weeks) but she still said NO you will be fine you wont have to do much. People just dont understand how strenuos a wedding is......

SOOOOOOOOOOoo, How the hell am I gonna do rest with Hollie to look after?

Anyway looks like its another for ceaser for us, and my OB is on holidays from the 1st of march. Im going to BEG him if he will do it for me before he goes at 37.5 weeks. I NEED him to do it.. I trust him. I dont want anyone else........

Hope all that made sense. Just got home from Tamworth ( where OB is) and totally buggered...

Bye for now

Ok ive been harrassed about no updates ( thanks Jess).....

Been sick on and off, taking Maxolon when I really cant handle it but struggling through if I can. TOmmorrow is OB appointment. Feeling a little apprehensive, as we will talk about when the stitch will go in and what my chances are of another full term pregnancy. Had a blood test today and took Hols for a bit of a hair cut.

Heres a piccie of Hol in all her dorkiness yesterday.. LOL.... Its kinda cute. Excuse the evil eyes it was taken on the little digital....

Her knew word is "SOON". Anything you want her to do has to be done SOON.. shes such a dag.

I leave you with this song I keep forgetting to add, that Faith sent to me a few weeks ago. She said the words remind her of my IVF journey and it does................... Bye for now.

So Hard"

Back when we started
We didn't know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us
Now we've got something
I can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard

It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easy

Took myself off to the Dr today to get something for the morning sickness.... I have been so ill. It goes all day and night and doesnt let up. I cant function, I cant do anything. Last 2 days I havent been able to look at the computer screen, I have no patience for Poor HOl. Dr gave me 2 scripts to try out and see how they go. He also said I can go up on my AD's if I want to, but I think I might wait till the Morning sickness passes. I think that might be making the anxiety and stuff worse. He also gave me a referall to a new Psychologist...

While we were there, he couldnt help himself, and wanted to have another look at the baby. It was bouncing around in there and wouldnt keep still. Hols thought it was pretty cool..

Mums off work for a few days so she is heading over here tommorrow to give me a hand with the house, I cant stand it but I cant do anything about it.. Ive been working through it as well as I can but I need help with the windows and stuff and I started the skirting boards but start feeling dizzy when im down there.....She will stay the night and head home THursday. If I feel ok we might go out and have a sticky at Ag-quip tommorrow..

I got a lovely parcel from Cat off EB yesterday of some scrapping stuff. What a gem she is.. It made my day. I cant wait to get in there and do some scrapping with it.

I keep forgetting to show off my gorgeous flowers that my gorgeous cousin gave me when she came to see me the other day... They are devine and I can smell them all through the house.. THe other few buds are starting to flower now.. They are lovely...


I also got a gorgeous little plant from Chelsea when I went and met with her for morning tea, when we went to Newcastle. I still havent put it in the garden yet but everyone comments on it on my bench. You kinda see it sitting on the bench under the flowers......

Bye for now.......

My gf that lives up the road, told me she did layout on Hollie for a challenge at chookscraps. Im so excited I need to show it off... The theme was generosity and she used this photo because she likes to be generous with the time she spends with Hol.. I think it is fantastic and It feels great to know that someone else thinks as much of my little girl as i do..... I love it Jode..
THe inlaws just came over for Lunch. Its hard to beleive that the frail looking man that was sitting next to me at lunch is jays dad. The chemo has knocked him around soooo much. I just wanna burst into tears everytime I see him. Hol keeps saying he is sick in his throat, so Im not sure if thats what he told her.. He just adores Hol. His face lights up everytime she walks in the door. Mother in law rang to ask could they come for lunch to get him out of the house. I think she is concerned that he isnt really going anywhere and sitting at home all the time. I just hope he can go back to work some time soon.

I also took this pic on my crappy 2mp camera of Hols and my dad yesterday. He let her help him drive the car in the back yard. She thought it was just fantastic.


Bye for now

Just had to come show off a few photos I took of the grubb today. Not fantastic shots but all I wanted was one of her in this outfit for her godmother... THe last one ( i did in sepia) is Really overexposed but i love the expression.

Where has my baby gone? She was such a gorgeous
baby ( besides the
continues screaming).
Its really sad how fast
they grow up. She is such
a little girl now.

Just thought I would post my first pregnancy photo at 9 and a half weeks. Im wearing my new RIPE jeans i bought off ebay. I love them... where that white spot is is the TV behind me so you can see where my back is in comparsion to my front. LOL. Im actually breathing in in that pic to make sure i wasnt pushing out.

Im feeeling slightly better today. Still really down on myself, and feeling like I need a huge boost, but Ill work through it. I have an appointment on Tuesday with my GP again, to get a referral for a new counsellor. Mine died :(.. I need help to stop being so hard on myself.

Mel ( my bossy mother figure) told me I had to do a scrap Lo with 10 things i love about me. I struggled to get to 7. I find it really hard to find things I like about myself. Having an abusive ex doesnt help all that much. Told me I was a worthless peice of shit. I pretty much got told the same thing this week and it just started all those feelings again......

Anyway, today Hols is at daycare today, so its a ME day. There has been two cases of chicken pox at the centre. Hope Hol doesnt bring it home. She cant have the vaccine, cause it has egg in it, and she is allregic to egg. Jamie hasnt ever had them. Laast year my brother got them and got encephilitis, menangitis, so im a bit scared about Jamie getting them at such a late stage in his life.

Lastnight I did my first scrapping in ages. I scrapped Fo's cj page. So thats another down and about another 12 to go.. At least I actually sat there without pukeing.

Bye for now.

Just got the reply from my dr and he said NOOOOO I cant increase meds.... :(

I havent talked about this in my blog before, but Im absolutely struggling with my anxiety and depression... I spoke to a good freind Holly, about it last week and she suggested I ask my dr about going back up on my Antidepressants. He didnt even tell me that I had to drop down but I just did it myself. Im just finding I cant cope with a lot of things at the moment. Im not sure if the Pregnancy hormones are making it tenfold or not. I stayed on a full tablet when I was pg with HOllie and I felt fantatsic. I thought since I coped so well last time that I would reduce it this time.

I still havent made the decision about if I will increase or not but I just wanted to put it on paper. My phsyciatrist told me that It is much better to take meds when pg then be stressed. Stress is apparenlty worse for the baby. But then the whole guilt starts about giving my baby my medication.

I only really need one thing to set me off and its a downward spiral, and its really hard to get back up. I guess the feelings about my love for Hollie and stuff is on my mind alot.

I guess i have a built up anxiety about this pregnancy, and having to go through all the stuff we did with Hollie. This time, with Hollie in our lives as well, the hospital stays and the bedrest is just going to be soo hard. Im hoping that my ob says, this time, I am just restricted in what I do and not actual bed rest, since we know my uterus can stretch.This all sounds ridiculous I guess when I just went through all that IVF to get pregnant.

This time the actual reality of what can go wrong with the stitch and the premature labour has hit soo much harder cause it took that much longer this time to actually get pregnant. It may not happen again :(.

Sadly, Roxys pop passed away this morning. May he be on his journey to a beautiful place of peace. I will be thinking of Roxy as she makes her LONG trip home to be with her family.....

I have really been struggling with the idea of Loving another child. This morning I received a lovely PM From a gal on EB with a gorgeous poem that I just need to share.... Thanks Danielle, its beautiful. Thanks so much for caring..

Loving Two
I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand,
basking in the glow of our magical relationship.
Suddenly I feel a kick from within,
as if to remind me that our time alone is limited.
And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you.
I watch the pain you feel at having to share me
as you’ve never shared me before.
I hear you telling me in your own way,
“Please love only me.?
And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t,?
knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you.
I almost see our new baby as an intruder
on the precious relationship we once shared.
A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing,
I find myself attached to that new being,
and feeling almost guilty.
I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him
—as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change,
first to curiosity, then to protectiveness,
finally to genuine affection.

More days pass,
and we are settling into a new routine.
The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared,
just we two.
There are new times – only now, we are three.
I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.
I watch how he adores you — as I have for so long.
I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments.
And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you,
I’ve given something to you.
I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.
I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.
And my question is finally answered, to my amazement.
Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you—only differently.
And although I realize that you may have to share my time,
I now know you’ll never share my love.
There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.
I love you—-both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.
—Author Unknown

My gal is home and cute as ever ( for now anyway). Im really concerned about her excema at the moment. I think im going to have to take her back to the allergist. On Thursday when she got up , I thought she had meningoccol. She had the worst, angry lookign rash under her arm and down her side. She had had some excema there but nothing like that. I took her to the chemist ( where i used to work) on the way to daycare and the pharmacist said I need to dress her a bit lighter. She thinks its just getting red and angry from being over heated. The house was hot that night so thats why it got so bad. I had already stopped putting spensers on her the week before because I thought it was aggravating it so i was on the right track..... It just looks so awful.. Here is a pic I took on Thursday.


Roxys pop is on his way to a place of peace. :(. He has been sick for a little while, and he has decided he has had enough. She has never lost anyone before so its gonna be tough on her. Ill be thinking of her and her family this week. She has to travel all the way back to S.A which makes it all that bit harder. At least she can spend time with her mum and dad while she is there.

My little girl is with Nan and pop today. Yesterday was the worst day with her. I was so exhausted from her not sleeping and was so sick throwing up and crap. I went off my nut at her and I smacked her ( i dont usually smack), then i cried and it was just a shit day. I was at mum and dads but they were both at work so It was just me and her. We drove to town and I nearly fell asleep driving. I haven never done that before.

WHen jay came back from Port macquarie to pick us up Mum offered to have her for the night and Jay will pick her up tonight. I thought i was ok with that, but when I got home I cried myself to sleep. THe whole thoughts of what if something ever happens to her I couldnt cope. Not having her here in the house makes me realise how bare it is without her. I adore like noone else. SHe is my best freind. Then i started getting upset about how I think I have made the wrong choice having another baby. How is HOllie going to feel? She will be so jelous and hate me for having to share myself. I sobbed and sobbed.

I cant wait to see her now... Wish 6 oclock would hurry up. I just wanna hold her and cuddle her and tell her how much i love her......

Better go before the tears start again.

Just talking to a freind that went to lunch with the other playgroup mums.. Was just telling me about a convo she had today with the others about me. What a hoot..Considering the rotten day I have had with HOllie and all the crying and yelling I have done, it gave me a good laugh..

Heres some of the convo. Soph runs the playgroup ( i would say she is upper class).
Kaysie says:
i have no tolerance
Faith says:
i know the feelin
Kaysie says:
i feel like she walks over me
Faith says:
and to think it was just today that everyone was saying what a good mum u were and how patient u r with all the kids soph asked me if u were always so levelheaded and patient
Kaysie says:
did you say no
Faith says:
char said i doubt it noone is that patient all the time then i said actually you'd b surprised at how much shit kays puts up with from millions of ppls kids i couldnt bloody do it thats for sure
Kaysie says:
LOL.
Faith says:
yep and they all think ur really upper class they asked if u swear coz jess was saying shes really foul mouthed when shes not at playgroup
Faith says:
and soph said me too
Faith says:
then they said does kays swear? I said oh hell yeah.

God thats funny. Nobody but those that know me would know how funny that is. I am so not upper class. I have the worst Potty mouth, and I yell at Hollie ALL THE TIME and lose my cool. Made me feel good though...

I cried myself to sleep lastnight. Just a few things going on at the moment that are getting me down.

The awful dreams are coming back this pregnancy as well. I have these horrible dreams that are so real. They scare me so much I wake crying and start having panic attacks. I woke with one lastnight at the motel and I was soo scared I had to turn the tv on and watch a movie to help switch my mind off it.

Jay is going away on Thursday for work and I am terrified. I havent stayed a night at home alone since I first started having panic attacks 6 years ago. Fingers crossed I can organised to get MUm here to stay with me or get to her house for the night. It makes me realise how bloody incapable that mental illness can make you.


On a venting note. THere is so much bitchy shit going on in my life at the moment. I try to stick up for a freind with another freind and both bloody slap me down and now im the bloody bitch. I give up. NO MORE... no more putting myself out for everyone, no more being the one that takes all the crap, no more involving myself in those situations. I just dont need it with all the other added stress and crap going on in our lives. This issue is about 99th on my list of priorities of shit to deal with. OVER AND OUT!!!

PS good luck to Net on her scan today... Fingers crossed its not eptopic.....

I am so glad to be writing this post. THere is a baby in there for real. I have been worried sick the last week or so that I was going to see no heartbeat. I didnt feel like this with HOllie but I guess her IVF journey wasnt as hard as this time. I just know I couldnt cope if something happens with this baby. I know its a long road ahead, and I have the worry of having hte cervical suture in again, and premature labour. But the first hurdle has passed. THere is a heartbeat.

Hollie was so proud as she sat on daddys lap and watched the screen. She held that little photo like it was gold. The 5 hour drive with her carrying on like a wild animal, was worth it for that ONE PRECIOUS MOMENT.

The little blue colour on this pic, is the little heartbeat flickering away and the one at the top is the view of the uterus with the little cashew inside.


I met up with an old freind today while I was in Newy ( hey chelsea-bigwave). Ive always felt like the 4th sibling in her family so was really lovely to catch up with her, and hear all about her life and her family.

So exhausted!!!!!!!!!!!! Time for bed.

I havent updated much this week cause our internet has been so slow and frustrating. Im at Mum and dads at the moment, while jay is at Baseball.

We are off to newcastle to the IVf clinic for our heartbeat scan on Monday. I have had the worst dreams about there being no HB so I just want to get Monday over and done with.

Got back some more blood results this week. HCG was at 29,000 On Tuesday, and Progesterone 411. Both are great apparently. Its nice to know the levels. I never asked anything like that with HOllie. I just had them done and checked they were ok.

Still sufferring with the all day sickness and I have lost another kilo.

Yesterday I got home from being out and Roxy and Cameron were at home, and Cameron was working on my garden. He did a fantastic job weeding the front garden for me. I really appreciate it, I dont think anyone has ever done anything like that for me before.....

Handed Mum and Dad back there photos today. Yeahhhhh. Mum is actually looking through them giving us a commentary as I sit here typing LOL.

OH OH OH OH and the other bloody fantastic news is: Mine and rachels parcle has been found at a courier depot. So its heading back to Rach and then Australia Post will hopefully make it this time to my door. Im so wrapped and so is Rach. LOL... I cant wait now. I have been putting off so much scrapping waiting for this parcel. Cause I just dont have anything and couldnt afford to go out and buy anything else. .

Signing off

Just had to write this down before I forget. LOL. Not very often I get nice comments from MIL. TOday she told me Im a lovely, kinhearted freind and anyone would be lucky to have me. Isnt that just beautiful......

Well Courtney is out of hospital and still quite sick but at home, in her own bed, which she loves. Shes such an adorable kid. Wish I coudl have stayed longer to help kim out more but I find it really hard to keep Hollie in a routine away from home, and with the morning sickness chucked in I just dont have the tolerance to deal with her when she is tired ( hollie that is, not kim. LOL.). Must be so hard fro Kim doing it on her own with the 4 kids and one being sick. Shes a pretty clever women to be dealing with all that..

This Is Hollie in her sunday best and you cant even see the thongs. LOL. She dressed her self obviously. LOL.

Bye for now

OMG morning sickness isnt very nice LOL. I bet a man invented that. Lucky my toilet bowl is clean so I have something nice to look at. LOL....

Im off to Tamworth again today. My god daugther, Courtney, whos mum I met on EB is in hospital on oxygen. Her mum, Kim has 3 other kids at home and her hubby works away. So im going on a rescue mission to look after 2 more 2 year olds and a 10 yr old. LOL. Dont know when I will be back, It will depend on how Court is going and when she can come home.

Hols came home lastnight after a night with Nan and pop. My god that kid is a cack. She was so gorgeous when she saw me. Ran up and wrapped her legs around me, held my face in her hands and kissed me and said, Miss mummy. AWWWEEEE. Just to think i couldnt stand her about 3 months ago . LOL. Mum just got new carpet so she has moved all the furniture and those annoying nick nacks around. Mum said Hollie went around and put all the photos and dust collectors back in the places they used to be. What a good memory my chickadee has.

With my Child and hubby free day yesterday, I got stuck into the photos I took from mum and dads house 3 year ago. I had this brilliant idea at the time,. that i would take the photos out of the yucky albums and put them in an acid free, dry mount album. Great idea kays (NOT). 3 years later I still have them. 40 years worth of photos. I was actually up to 1976 when i started yesterday and it took me 4 hours to get up to 1984. Gee we went on a lot of holiday in 1983/1984. I counted 7 holidays. I remember travelling alot, but not that much. I guess mum and dad worked all the time so whenever they took a break we went somewhere.

Better go pack our bags AGAIN. LOL. Hope this vomiting eases up a little before I have to drive. Might have to take a bucket. LOL.

Bye for now

Well I have some fantastic news about a freind I would love to share but Im not allowed (just yet).. She will know who she is and im so proud of her.......

Hols went to daycare today and aside from cleaning and going to the accountant I didnt do much at all. While Hol was at daycare I threw a crappy plastic toy thing in the bin. When she got home, she found it and came and asked me to say sorry to her. LOL she is a cack that kid. Daddy gave her some post it notes when we went to his work and by the time i pulled up at home, she had stuck them all over the window. LOL..

Im so sick of being so broke. Im sick of not having any scrap supplies. My LOs suck cause I just dont have any money to buy anything. Im sure I could have magnificant Los to submit if I had the money to buy stuff to actually do them. Its a struggle enough to get some food in this house. BLOODY DROUGHT. :(.

Forgot to mention that the adorably generous Narelle ( hey sweets) bought Hollie and little bubby a book each. Hollies book is called " There's a house in mummys tummy". Its adorable and talks about the baby. I love it!!! Hol got too impatient and wanted to flick ahead, and I got mad cause i wanted to read the lovely story LOL. Its just perfect. We got very spoilt..

DOnt know if I have talked about the RACH parcel saga.... Over a month ago, I gave rach $20 to get me some papers from her LSS ( since I dont have one) and she had a few other things for me she chucked int too. WELL.......................... Rach sent it express. After 2 weeks of waiting and AP doing so research, it was found in PERTH. LMAO, thats the opposite direction. So then it was expected to arrive back to me by the end of that week. THe end of the next week, it arrived back at Rachs house. LOL. So she sent it off again registered. We waited for like 2 and half weeks again and then it turned up back at Rach's again. She had put the wrong address. LOL.

SOOOOO 2 weeks ago, Rach sent it off on a courier her mum uses( and she added a few more things for HOls and bubby ( yay)), with the date of arrval to be 25th of July 2006( lol maybe its supposed to be 2007). Parcel is still AWOL. So that is our little parcel debarcle. I dont think im meant to have the bloody thing. LOL

Only 11 sleeps.....................

Today i am your typical exhuasted, emotinal, constipated, sick pregnant women. I cant beleive how tired I am. I just cant keep up with HOllie and do all the things she wants me to. She is the kind of kid that wants to be doing activites all the time. Painting or craft or playdoh. I just dont have the stamina.

I have to drive to Tamworth today to take Nan for an appointment. It is going to be a huge day. I just feeling like curling up in bed and sleeping. Not that I could do that with Hols home. I just hope we make it over and back without me falling asleep.

Today is Roxys B'day. HAPPY BDAY ROXANNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! shes a real old chick now since she is 24. I can see the greys starting to come through. LOL. Hope she gets spoilt. NOt that she deserves it.. LOL ( just kidding)...

Only 12 days till the scan. Im a bit freaked about it. Just want to see that heart beating away so I can start to settle in with the whole thing and start falling in love ( not that im not already).

Better go get organised
Bye for now

Spent the weekend at mum and dads. NOt all that exciting actually. HOl had a ball, she had missed nan and pop soo much she had a good time. Jay went out to a baseball trivia night thing in Tamworth and one of the organisers made a big speech about him and what a great bloke he is and called him up the front, and said After a long time trying Jamie and his wife are going to have a baby. Jay cried. They gave him a bottle of scotch for us. HEY wheres my chocolate. LOL... THought that was sweet that Jay cried, the big softy..

Did a portrait this morning of the smiliest baby i have ever seen in my life. She was so patient, I couldnt beleive it.

Also got my progesterone results in. They are 601 so that means Im no longer on pessarys. Yeehhaa. Im 6 weeks today. This morning i woke at 1am with the worst morning sickness BLEURGH. My main symptom is tiredness. Im just so exhausted. Feel like hybernating for 9 months.

I took a few photos of Hols and I being silly this morning. This is the one I like the best. even though she is half cut off. Her and I look nothing alike. LOL..

WEll hols just got her first accident report from daycare. she fell over on the cement and hit her cheek. They said she didnt cry for long though so thats good. Think its gonna be a nasty bruise there. Poor little cherub. She keeps wearing those PP glasses that she had as a baby. THey are waaayy too small for her.. LOL.

Just had to come and write something that a girl at playgroup said to me today... WHen I told her I was pregnant she had tears in her eyes and said she was gonna cry. Im not close with this girl, I just know her from playgroup. THen she said " Im so happy for you, you are the best mother I know" Isnt that the most beautiful thing.. Made me feel really good....


I am still barking non stop. This has been going on for 2 weeks. My body is aching from all the coughing. Im so tired from not sleeping. I got up this morning to stand at the drs surgery at 7am trying to get an appointment since I couldnt get one by phone for the last week. THere was people already lined up, there was ONE dr on today. THat is just ridiculous. I got in though and the DR gave me a script for some antibiotics but wants me to hold off and not fill unless Im still coughing in a couple of days. Just wants me to keep up with the puffer every 4 hours.

Bye for now

Just wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS to my mate Net on her BFP. Still cant even beleive she was TTC #3 after she told me to no end was she having any more LOL. Even sold all her baby stuff. duffer. Wishing you a healthy girl pregnancy Net...

Today I got my progesterone levels. VERY high at 583, which means I can start weaning off my pessaries. THats fantastic news considering pessarys cost me $10 a day. :@.. Also rang and made my appointment for heartbeat scan which will be the 7th of August in Newcastle. Hanging out for that so i can rest at ease a little.

Rang my OB too, who no longer delivers at the private hospital. THats really sad cause I loved having Hollie there. He will see my for my pregnancy, which is fantastic, cause without him Hollie wouldnt be here. I will have to deliver at the base with whatever doctor is rostered on then I can move down to the private hospital for care ( which I will cause it was beautiful there). I will still have my cervical suture in at 20 weeks like last time and be on moderated rest. Cant wait for that NOT.

On to the big girl......... OMG Hollie is the most devine specimen on this earth. She is learnign at such a fast rate it just blows me away. Her new word at the moment is ENOUGH. LOL. she also sings LOTS of songs, and blows me out when she knows all the words. Yesterday she shocked me and counted to ten ( calling 3 a 4 though and a 4 a 4 also). I just cant beleive the rate she is growing. I want to add a picture of her but its not letting me... Will try again later....

Bye for now.

Just making myself a ticker so I can look and see how pregnant I am.. God that sounds bizarre. I still cant beleive It worked. I just was not confident AT ALL.

Still in shock i think. Boobs are so sore and I still hvae this disgusting flu that i cant shake. I hope all the barking im doing isnt hurting the embie. Its driving me nuts. Phelgm and morning sickness dont go well together.

When I was pg with Hollie I craved coke, and I normally hate coke. Thats all I feel like again now. Trying to be good and not give in to urge....

GUESS WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Im pregnant. HCG is 211. No progesterone leveLs yet.....

Im in shock


Due 19th march 2007

kaysie

OMG beta is tommorow............... IM terrified.....

Forgot to add yesterday that I have lost another kilo. Im not sure how, as I feel like i have been eating way too much chocolate to get me through the 2ww. I guess im still eating lots of carrots, cauli and broccoli which are high fat burning vegies. Other then that I thought the decrease in my anti-depressants might have helped. They are buggers for making you chock on the wait.

42 hours till beta. Who knows when I will get results, living in this place has a lot of negatives sometimes. It would be wonderful to get the results same day. At least I talked the nurses into letting me to beta a day earlier, to put me out of my misery. Hope they have sent of a new batch of pessaries. I only have 3 days worth. Another $80 thank you very much.. :-(

As much as I want a BFP I am terrified about it as well. My pregnancy with HOllie was such a long hard scary road and the thought of doing it with a toddler as well, freaks me right out. Bedrest is just NOT going to happen with her at home with me, and if I am in and out of hospital like last time it will be much harder leaving her at home.

Here is the pictures of my feral princess I wanted to share yesterday. HOls dressed her self in this little number and thought she looked quite fabulous.. little dag...


Bye for now

Well I think the time has come that HOllie is a little too old for coming to IVF for transfers. She came up to me with her drs set today, got the needle out and went for the vag.LOL. What have I done to the poor child.

On the 2WW front, Im quietly falling apart inside. Not feeling like im pregnant, but still knowing its not all over yet. Hol and I have hardly left the house the last week. Not only because of the overpopulation of pregnant women at the moment, but Ive been pretty sick with the flu.

Hollie is growing like a weed. She has the most gorgeous personality. Talking like anything and singing and dancing, its just amazing. She knows all the words to "do the twist" by the WIggles and even does the cha cha cha on the end. I just cant beleive some of the things she comes out with. My favourite at the moment is when she says Sorry Mum. Its just adorable.

Was going to post a pic of the feral princess but it seems my computer doesnt want me to. LOL will come back and do that later..

Bye for now.

I hate the 2ww already :-(. I hate it soooooo much. I hate having to leave the house and function and see babies and hear about them. See pregnant people and hear about them, and listen to there winging. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Please put me asleep for 2 weeks. Thats the least you can do if there is a god........

At what point am i going to give the IVF away? Can I keep doing this to my body, mind and soul?

:-(

Well the little Embie is now hanging out inside me. My transfer, that should only take 15 minutes max, took 45 minutes. Now I know I have a dodgy cervix and uterus, but I did warn him when i walked in that Dr woolcott usually uses the introducer on me ( this long thing that you can bend around to find the uterus or something). Well todays Dr tried everything. He then said " I dont know what else to do, i have tried everything, I just cant find the utuers wall and endometrial cavity" ( or something like that). So I suggested ( with all my years of study in IVF under my belt LOL) to try a pillow under my butt to change the angle. Well, lo and behold it worked. FINALLY. I tell you what that poor old fanny of mine was feeling the 45 minutes clamped up. OUCHY. Hollie came in with us and sat and stroked my hair and kissed my head during the process. Little darlin , she is...

Here is embies first pic. Lets hope the little one can hang on in there and implant itself.......


Please remind me not to visit my SIL anymore. She does nothing but upset me and make me feel like a peice of shit.. Surely I deserve better then that...

Off to rest, all this transferring is such hard, exhausting work.....