Long time no write... Been really busy....

I was asked to teach a canvas scrap class to a teen mums group. Was a lot of hard work. The girls had never scrapped before or even seen it so needed soo much help. Was very tiring.. This was my sample canvas I did to show them... Its hanging in Hollies room and as you can see she is very proud of it..LOL..

I also did this scrap page when I was at mums for the long weekend.. Suppose i could have cropped the floor away..LOL



Thomas is growing so fast its scary. Nearly 5 months old and starting to laugh and have conversations with us. He is very cute, and he and Hollie are getting on so well. It is so beautiful to watch them playing togehter and the way he looks at her is just so sweet. He looks for her whenever he is awake. Ive been having some issues about his name. It still doesnt feel right. Its just not ME, But i also wouldnt want to hurt jays feelings by changing it. I find myself calling him mate and not Thomas cause it just isnt me.. I dont really know what to do about it. I dont want to regret it for the rest of my life. Anyway here is a pic of the gorgeous little human being..He has the most wonderful smile that just melts my heart.When he is having booby if I look down at him he gives me that big lushes smile so I cant look at him. LOL. He also puts both his hands around my boob and strokes it.. Its so lovely. I remember when hollie used to do that. Like he appreciates every drop of that devine milk.....

Hollie is thriving and is as clever as ever. I think she is outgrowing Daycare and will hopefully go the 2 days to preschool next year. She has learnt to use scizzors so is cutting every bit of paper and cardboard in site. She told me she met a "nice guy" at church that she is gonna marry. How funny. One of her favourite words at the moment is rekon.. She says, I rekon mum.. LOL. I love it. SO much personality. If only she would sleep.. Thomas sleeps way better then her. Its sooooo frustrating.. SHe keeps bloody licking her lips and has an awful dry patch. I photoshopped it out in this photo.LOL. It looks awful. Im thinking of gettin her hair cut off to shoulder length. I just cant decide..Jays dad had a feed line put in to his stomach a couple of weeks back. he has another Mass but they arent sure what it is. It is blocking off his oesophegus and he only has a hole the size of apinhead so not much food can get down there. They are saying that sometimes after a big op ( like the one he had to remove the cancer) that a calcifcation can occur at the op site. The other thing is that it is more cancer.He has lost soo much weight that they have put in the feed line to try and fatten him up a bit so they can operate. It is really sad to watch him how he is. I feel so sad for him. His life has just fallen apart in the last few years. Jays family dont really show there feelings and sometimes I feel like He just needs a big hug. I know he gets so much joy from seeing the kids. I often see a tear in his eye as he watches Hollie and the day he came to see Thomas at the hospital, when he came back from the SCN he had a tear in his eye. Cancer is such a dreadful disease...

A guy I used to hang out with ( my ex sils partner) got killed last weekend. The guy was not the greatest citizen and was always in and out of jail but he was still a person and a father. His DD and I used to be so close and she was in my care a lot while both her parents were in jail. My heart breaks for her. The car was towed in to jays work on the saturday and at that point I didnt know that it was him that got killed in the car I just knew that a person had got killed. The car was just a mess. Im so terrified of dying in a car accident, or being trapped in a car with my kids screaming in pain. Its my biggest fear....

I got a lovely little parcel for the kids and I the other day off the lovely kind sarah. We all loved our stuff. Hollie got a little book which she has been using as a menu book in the cafe LOL and some stickers and clips, and I got a block of a chocolate which i soooo needed that day, and Thomas got a gorgeous Bonds shirt which he needed.

better go to bed its late im tired and im sure the night will be eventful....

Just read Felicitys comment in my blog and Im SOOOOOO glad you wrote that chick. I have these issues in my mind about the guilt of being depressed when I did IVF to have them. Its like, something I cant explain but you feel like you have to be grateful (which I am) and that you should be floating on a cloud. That is the way I WANT to feel. I dont want to be like this.. I hate it...

I went to the counsellor today and talk about a total utter waste of time. She is called a "mental health nurse" and all she did was paper work of filling crap out and said oh well ill make another appointment and see how you are going next week.. WT... She did nothing. Not a smidgen of advice. NOTHING. She even said she doesnt know anything about coping techniques blah blah blah. Well why they hell are you there helping our people with mental health problems.. OMG i hate this shit hole of a town sometimes.... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr

Jamie forgot to pick Hollie up from daycare today.. How embarrssing. I felt awful when I got there. I went downt to his work to pick her up and he didnt have her.. Bloody men. I was at my appointment.. I have been using the 123 magic on her and seems to be going ok. I can see it working if I just keep doing it and be consistant..

This guy that works with Jay has a daughter thats 17 and they live around the corner ( i have to drive past there house everyday) and we know them really well. Anyway yesterday jay rings me and says " we are totally out of the loop". I was like WHY.. He said Fred( not real name) isnt at work today cause his daugther is gonna have her baby today.. We were like OMFG. I only saw her the other day. WE had NFI.... TOtallly in shock....blown away....

T
homas was 4 months old yesterday..
Check out how gorgeous he is... Isnt he just precious.. He looks soo much like me i rekon. But then again where his hair is sitting up he looks more like jamie.. AWWWE he is soo cute. I havent been able to put him down today he has been soooo full of wind and in soo much pain. Poor little thing. I also fogot his losec lastnight so I think that didnt help much...

He loves his mummy sooo much. He just loves to snuggle in to me and nuzzle under my neck.. A real mummys boy... Still doesnt feel like he is mine. Its just sooooo surreal that I have a boy.

Well , i didnt go to the counsellor yesterday.... Jamie had to go to Tamworth lastnight So i would be home alone till really late and didnt want to be alone after talking to the counsellor. It freaks me out when I talk about it and Makes me have panic attacks so I changed it to friday...

Went to a parenting cause on disicpline yesterday and Friday and it was really good. I learnt a few new things to try.

On the weekend we went to Tamworth and stayed at mum and dads cause Jay played baseball all weekend.. Dad and I had another big fight ( its getting bloody predictable) and he said I wasnt welcome there anymore, then he is ringing me the next day to see if Im coming over this weekend. It snowed just out of Tamworth on Saturday but we didnt go and have a look it was just too bloody cold.. Newcastle and the hunter had some really bad flooding and storms and on the news it looks like a war zone. james and Lee were only 300metres from the flood waters but were just on a rise so they didnt have to get evacutated but most of Maitland did.

Have to write this down cause it was so funny but it is a "had to be there moment". My Dad and Hollie started walking to town on sunday (where they live is like 15klm out of town) and we picked them up on teh way. Apparenlty Hol had been talking about maccas to dad on teh way. When we picked them up dad said he needed to go to the toilet. Mum said " so where do you want us to stop mervyn" and he told us and hollie said " Excuse me nanny, Poppy could use the toitet(toilet) at maccas" "there is free(3) toitets at maccas"..It was sooo funny. She was soo serious we just all burst out laughing. She is such a cack....

Thomas is starting to babble a bit more and his favrouite word at the moment is argoo. So cute when they start giving you something back.. He is growing way too fast.. Mum keeps saying that she still cant beleive he is here. She said it just doesnt seem real. She said with Hol she just sort of fit. I know the feeling she has cause I feel it sometimes too. Very hard to explain. She wondered if it was his Name, since it is not really ME. I still wonder if I did the right thing agreeing to Thomas....

Just going through some photos and saving files since I have saved to disk since january.. eeekkkkkkkk. Thought I might share a few..

How unimpressed does he look about the pink beanie.. LOL.. I love it..Jay wasnt very happy about me putting this bonnet on him.. I think it is sooo cute....This is how curly his hair goes after a bath. Once it dries its flat again though...Here he is with his Girlfreind Kadence, who is 10 weeks younger and is now the same length.

I was havitn one of those real crap self esteem days today where you just hate everything you see in the mirror. My clothes dont fit, my boobs are huge and maternity bras dont do much, My hair needs cutting and Im just sick of being daggy. Anyway I come out and Hollie said " Mum, you look cool"..LOL... What a way to make me feel better. She is such a little darlin.....

Here is a Layout I did a few weeks ago. It says You are like me in so many ways. All the ways we are alike are written around the edge..
Thomas had a weigh in the other day, and at 16 weeks he weighs 5.7kilos and is 57.5cm bloody shortie. Im booked in to the counsellor on Tuesday. Im so scared. Im glad she has all my notes from before when I was agoraphobic so I dont have to re explain a lot of it...

Im off to a parenting course tommorrow. I cant wait. Lets hope it can give me some strategies for dealing with this girl of mine....

Thanks girls for the beautiful comments. I know that you are all always there for me. it is so nice to know that.. Holly, im always thinking of you. When times are really touch I think of you and how lucky I really am. You are the strongest women i know and I couldnt do what you are doing. I just wish I could be closer to you to give you some company....

TO start with just have to say OMG i won a little prize on Jodys blog... SOme yummy scrapping stuff. If my internet speed wasnt capped Id go get the link.. LOL... Im so excited...

Friday was a bit of a hard day. Finally decided to admit to myself that I think I have PND. I know it sounds strange since I havent actually gone of my antidepressants but I guess I just need an increase. I was hoping to go to my GP and feel like I had a lot of support but I felt the total opposite. He just said to me " why would you be depressed, you have what you wanted". That is one of the reasons I didnt want to admit it. I dont understand myself. I just handed him the list that I had written down and he read through it. I had written on my list that I have a fear of self harming and he kind of laughed it off and said Why would you want to hurt yourself. It took soo much effort for me to go in there and say all that to him that I just felt gutted and shot down.

He prescribed me to go up to 2 of my tablets a day. Thing is i cant afford $60 a month for tablets. We are struggling just coming up with $30 a month for them. I also need to go have some counselling, so Ill sort that out tommorrow.

I just feel BLERGH... I have no motivation, Im just going around in circles with my house leaving things incomplete, i cant make decisions, I dont want to be touched or talked to, I have no libido, I feel numb, I feel unemotional like i just exist, Dont take pride in myself, cant be bothered going anywhere or talking to anyone, Terrified of hurting myself.....

Now I have a headache just going through all those thoughts again.

When I told jay I had made an appointment on friday and what is was for he said " cant you wait till Wednesday till you get paid". That shocked me and just made me feel like he really doesnt give a crap. I made the appointment on friday cause if I put it off again I just wouldnt go...I feel really hurt that the money was his first thought.

Thomas has had an awful 2 days.. Just screaming and not settling. Jay thinks he is teething cause his hands are shoved in his mouth and he is dribbling. I had th esame thought but cant see any signs of any teeth..

Hollie has just been a maniac today. That girl has anger issues which I think come from her lack of sleep. Im sooo over the nights in this house. Lastnight I had about 2 hours all up. I was up and down with her putting her back to bed every hour then feeding him. I cant do this anymore. I just want her to sleep and stay in her own bed.....

Best be going to bed...

ahhhh where am I up tooo.. Lastnight I spent the night at the hospital with thomas. He has a chest infection and an ear infection.Lastnight he was grunting a and I counted his respirations and they were a bit fast so I rang the hospital and they said to bring him in and they kept him... The beds for the parents in that place are so bloody uncomfy. When I get rich Im gonna donate some comfy ones..LOL....

Jay and I are still not discussing money cause everytime we do we fight, so Im just selling a few things on ebay to get some more things off ebay ( lol) for the kids.. Thanks to Jody, Sarah and Tracey for the advice and hugs.... I put a post on EB and got a lot of mixed repsonses and a bit of ammunition..LOL.... I desperatly need to get that tablet for thrush cause Thomas and I just keep getting it over and over and I think its living in my breast tissue, But everytime i mention it I get the " do you really need it" look cause its $28 or something... ARGHHHHHHHHH MEN!!!!

Thomas weighed in ( sounds like biggest loser) at 5.2 kilos last wednesday and is 56cm long. What a little shorty... LOL.. Arkaydia is 7 weeks younger and is the same length. He is a midget...

Hols been both funny and a PITA lately. SOme of the stuff she comes out with is soo funny. Its really amazing how many things she picks up from me. I better start watching what I say i think. SHe keeps saying, "for christs sake".oops. She loves to play daycares and has started reading stories to Thomas when he is in his rocker. Its very cute to watch. I think she has finally accepted that he is here to stay.. About time...

God where does the time go....... Ok quick update on stuff...

GOt the results back from Hols tests.. She has central Apnoea which means she does pause in her breathign but her oxygen levels only drop by 2% so its not a major health problem and wont hurt her. SHe alos has Parasomnia which means she arouses during deep sleep often and this is when she sleep walks and sleep talks. There is nothing we can do about either of these so we just have to deal with the waking every hour... CRAZY. I have also taken her back to the peadiatrician for a reflux review and he has put her tablets up to 1.5 a day and we are to go back in a month to see how its going and decide if we take it up another dose...

Jay and I have been fighting constantly. The big issue is basically MONEY and I think Sleep deprivation isnt helping. He has basically taken all rights to money away from me and im not happy. TOmmorrow is my pay week which i usually get any stuff the kids need and pay laybys and stuff off and get nappies and scripts. Well Im not allowed to have the money and He will be in charge.. OH GRR.He is pissing me right off. WE had the biggest barney the other night and I was bawling and screaming at him that the kids and I were leaving. I had Thomas in my lap and looked down and the gorgeous little thing was looking up at me with sad puppy dog eyes. Was so cute. During our fight i came out and said something that I coudlnt stop once it started to blurt out. I said to jay " You get to be in charge of everything Im sick of it, I even named our son a name I didnt want just cuase you did".. Once I said it I thought OMG I must have had those feelings about his name buried deep. Didnt even realise I had issues with it..

Now On to THOMAS..... OMG i dont know what to do with him. THe poor little fella has reflux and I think it is getting worse rather then better. The last few days have been a nightmare. He is screaming and wanting to be held and fed all day. I thnk my milk supply is really low, I never feel full and a few time I have offered a bottle after he has guzzled. I dont kow whats going on.. Im thinking maybe it could be cause Im stressed and exhauseted and therefore im not making milk. I dunno... Im probably only getting about 3 hours sleep a night at the moment with Hols and him.....

Starting to get sleepy so Ill go for now and ill bbs....

Quick post to say OMG my baby is 3 months old.... Heres a pic I took today.. Isnt he just soooo devine....

Be back tommorrow for a rundown on the last week....

A beautiful moment happened tonight. I was layinng with Hol on her bed and sgrabbed my face in her hands and said "I love you much mummy".... Its moments like that that just melt mt eart and make me realise what a lovely little girl she is. She is so loving and quite often throughout the day she asks me for a littl hug..

The other day she came out wiht "what a dickhead" thanks to her dad while he was watching footy. I love it when she says."I found it you can stop looking now" when she is looking for something.. SOOOO CUTE>>

Thomas has done nothing but scream for 3 days. Im totally and utterly exhausted. Jay even stayed hoem this morning till 11am from work so I could go get a little bit of sleep... On saturday Thomas did a few huge smiles and was looking out the door smiling. They are still few and far between but at least he is having a go..

Im so frustrated with our money situation at the moment. I think im going to either get my butt in to gear and go full slog in the photography studio or get some night work while Jay is at home with the kids. Its hard with a new baby to do lots of photo shoots. I had a wedding booking for end of the year but I had to refer her on to my old collegue cause its just so hard to do a wedding when you have a new baby and dont know what your nights leading up to it will be like..

We took the kids to the show on Friday night, Hollie had a ball. Pity we ran out of money.. I love the face painting hol had done. I think i wanted it done more then she did LOL...

I finally got around to do a layout...Not that brilliant but Hey its a layout..

I dont think I have done a post without photos for so long. I just cant help myself with these cute kids of mine.. LOL

These photos are of HOls ( and thomas) in the dress that Hollysangel bought Hollie for her bday. Both her and I just love it.. LOL...




I took these photos of Thomas in his little outfit that Hollysangel also bought him when he was born. Its a 00000 but was a big one. They were taken on the 17th of April he had his huge growth spurt just after this so I dont think it would fit now.

Today we went and had thomas weighed and he has definately had his 6 week growth spurt in the last couple of weeks ( he is 6 weeks corrected). He now weighs a whopping 10 pound 6 and is 53cm long. Today he is 11 weeks old. Where has that time gone??

Im not sure how to write this, but Im having ISSUES with Thomas being chubby. Or I guess its when people say he is chubby. Or actually I guess its when people say, he doesnt look like a premmie.. OH I DONT KNOW... Sounds really stupid but it feels like the journey we have been on is being minimised.. ohhh i dont know it sounds soo ridiculous..... I posted on eb about it and some of the girls got the gist of it...
here is a couple of replies that helped me see im not an idiot.

I think you've hit the nail on the head yourself, and I feel like that a lot with DD2 (strangely not so with DD1, who was my bigger chubbier premmie). People try to help, but sometimes we interpret the things they say as making our experiences insignificant. We still need to grieve the loss of pregnancy, troubled starts and experiences that didn't go how they should have.

It was only last week I was chatting to some Mums and they were talking about what happens after the baby is born ie the nurses leave and it was scary as they didn't know how/when to feed, change nappies etc - and the sadness was overwhelming, I might have two babies but I don't know what they're talking about, and i'll never get to experience that sad.gif Similarly when I comment DD2 was 2 months early and the response is "oh she's fine now, that's all that matters" just makes me feel so small!

Talking about it does help though, probably the reason I respond to these types of questions with my own little vent grin.gif


I hear you Kays, the grieving process with premmies can be complicated. And it is okay to feel that way. Being 'just' five weeks premmie doesn't matter. When it involves something so precious, the emotions attached are always strong.

Ds is heading toward one year, and while every logical part of me knows I should be celebrating, my feelings are betraying me, and I am finding it difficult to keep the lid on them. Maybe I shouldn't, but then to outsiders I look ungrateful for this little blessing.

I just want to be normal.

Well Thomas has been screaming all afternoon and Im just totatlly and utterly depleted of any energy. I cant even speak im sooo tired..

I dont think i have said about Thomas going on to losec for his reflux.. poor darlin.. Cant believe i got another one.. He cries a lot and is quite a lot of pain from colic an reflux, it just isnt fair. Hate seeing my kids in pain.....

Im one handed typing again so thats it for today

Heres some pics I took of my nephew, Noah. I tried to get a nice a photo of the 3 of them for mum but they were mucking up. I got one that was OK....

We have been in Sydney the last few days... Had to take HOllie down to the sleep clinic to have a sleep study done. She wakes at least every hour. When I was in hospital mum noticed she pauses in her breathing and wondered if she had sleep aponea since mum does and it can be genetic. So we got a referal and off we went...

I couldnt stay with her because I had Thomas so daddy had to stay with her the night. I went up to the ward while they hooked her up though. She was such a good little girl. It took over an hour for the girl to put all the wires in.

While we were there we took her to the acquarium. She loved it but her favourite thing was the pengos.. LOL..it was pissing down rain and we had to park a fair way away so we all got wet. The bloody parking cost us $38 for 2 hours. OMG I couldnt beleive it.While we were there I was waiting on an sms from cam cause Roxy was going in for ceaser at 8am. By 2pm I was really starting to freak out. Then I got a text that said " Roxy and bub being flown to adelaide cause of complications". I was absolutley freaking out then. NO other details and Cam wouldnt answer his phone. I was beside myself with worry and trying hard not to vomit. Later that night I got on to Cameron and Roxy. Kadence Indiana grace was born at 9am and swalloed and aspirated a lot of fluid. She basically drowned it. She had to have work done on her and then transferred to a bigger hospital.

After the acquarium we went to stay with Jamies mate, Charlie and his wife, louise. Charlie was telling us how to get there over the phone, and instead of it taking us 30 mintues it took us 3 hours.. The kids were feral and both crying and it was pissing down with rain. we finally got there and they had an awesome apartment on the water. I was totally freakin gout that Hol would trash something..

On Anzac day we walked 5klm to olympic park to go to the brewery but when we got there it was closed so Lousie and i took the kids to DFO for awhile then we dropped them to the boys who were blind, and we went to IKEA.. OMFG I love taht place..

I had a really nice time and felt comfortable with Louise. I hadnt had much to do with her before and she is really posh and fancy and I am so NOT, but we got on really well..

The other highlight was that I met DEb and her gorgeous littl boy Ryan from EB. We met at the Rhodes shopping centre and had a lovely couple of hours. Later on I was thinking about the day and realised that I had left Thomas with Deb while I took Hol to the toilet. I didnt even think twice and I had just met this girl. How wierd is that...

Well Hols bday has been and gone for another year.. I cant quite believe that my Baby is 3 its really sad how fast they grow.. This last year has been an amazing year in her development and she just suprises me more and more each day.

You know what the little bugger did. She has been fully toilet trained now for about 2 months. After all the fighting and tears. After I came home with thomas she kind of got in her own groove and did herself. I cant beleive it, im so proud of her.....

She had a lovely day. She was in hospital for croup on friday night and was still pretty icky on her bday ( sunday) so we didnt do anything big. I just made her a cake and the family and god parents called in for some cake and pressie drop off... She got a vsmile and a barbie set thing off us and seemed to like it. When she opened hte barbie up she said " oh cool" LOL.. Anyone would think she is 13 not 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heres a few pics from the day...
She got these funky wings off sal for her bday that flap.. i love them.....

Thomas got weighed yesterday and had his needles.. He now weighs 9 pound and a half. Little fatty he is. He is still only short at 52cm... Cant beleive how fast he is growing.. Been trying to get some smiles out of him but he just isnt ready :( Finding it so hard in comparison to Hollie..

I feel like I cant pay him any attention cause HOllie then does something to him to get the attention back on to her.. He is such a cuddly little thing and just loves to be held close...


I finally got around to typing up my diary from hospital.. Im going to just add it in here So i have it all in one spot... Its long though...

29th January 2007

Had my first ride in a plane yesterday down to John Hunter Hospital. I have preeclampsia and my kidney function is down. Having only one kidney and being under 34 weeks I had to come down here as it’s a high risk maternity unit. Lady across from me snored and vomited all night so I only got about 2 hours sleep, even with sleeping tablets.Had a scan today and bubs I about 4 pound 8.

I had one set of steroids for bubs’ lungs yesterday and the second lot today.

When I was on the plane I was absolutely terrified. It was my first plane ride and my biggest fear of all time is going on a plane. I couldn’t believe I had survived it when we had landed though. I was so proud of myself. I kept my eyes closed the whole time though. A few times when I did open them the plane was on an angle and I was looking down at the ground.. While on the plane my Bp was 165/113 and pulse was 150. The plane was only tiny and I was strapped to a bed. The roof was basically on top of me.

The plane ride was only 25 minutes. When we got there were 3 ambulances waiting for me and the other 2 patients with flashing lights. It all looked a bit dramatic.

At the airport before I left Hollie came to say goodbye. When I was still in the ambulance and was watching her I had to hold back the tears for her or I would totally melt down. They let her come on to the tarmac. She watched me get on the plane, and then she waved to me as the plane took off. Watching my baby girl from the sky was heartbreaking. She must have been so confused. Mum said she broke down lastnight and had mum in tears as well. I miss her soo much, I just want to hold her and tell her how much I love her.

I better write how I came to be sent here to Newcastle. I was at mum and dads house and we were going to go and look at the country music festival. Before we left I used dads BP machine and the reading was really high. I rang the hospital and told them and they said come and have it checked. When I got to the hospital it was high but not really high (not as high as what dads machine said it was). The registrar said I could go home but said she would do bloods just in case. She asked could I stay at mum and dads house in Tamworth the night and if something came up in the bloods she would contact me over night. We didn’t hear from her so started to pack up to go home when the mobile rang and the OB said I had to go in and have steroids and get flown to Newcastle. Talk about throw us into chaos. Jay had to go hoe and get us stuff before driving to Newcastle.


30th January 2007
Got told today by the foreign cleaning lady, that I have a beautiful smile. Was nice to get a compliment.

Bp was up a bit today. Last numbers were 150/85. Bit of protein and had more bloods taken. Renal specialists come in and said they are happy with how I am going at the moment. I also saw the anesthetist and the respitory specialist. .

Jay and I had a bit of a tiff today and I ended up back in my room crying. I am missing Hols so much.

31st January 2007
Not much happening today. BP this morning was 160/90. Protein back down to +1. Had sleeping tablets lastnight but it still didn’t help me sleep. One more sleep till I get to see my precious girl. I cant wait. Sounds like she is having a ball with mum and dad.

My tummy is so huge and tight. I am waddling so much. Feel like I just ant fit anymore baby in there. At the moment there are about 8 pregnant women in here. Babies are down the other end so not sure how many there is.

1st February 2007
First day of Feb already and I have been here for 5 days. Hold turned up today but didn’t get to stay for long. We walked down the corridor to wait for them. Hol was in the pram and started yelling out I LOVE YOU. Then she ran up and hugged me so tight. She just kept looking at us then. I cant believe how much she has grown. She is just so gorgeous.

My BP was up again today so I started BP meds. It was 150/90 this morning and went back down to 140/86 tonight. The girl in the next room had triplets at 31 weeks. How scary.

I woke at 4:30am to nurses running and one of the pg girls screaming. I think I heard them say she was 35 weeks. She has had the bub now. God im nosey, wish I knew what was going on.

2nd February 2007
I was woken again by a screaming women in labour during the night. Apparently there was a set of twins and 3 single babies born overnight.

I am feeling really lethargic and tired today. Protein still +1 and BP was 130/95 tonight. Just more sitting and waiting and hoping to transfer back to Tamworth next week.

Hollie kept saying her baby was hitting her in the stitch today. So funny. She also kept telling me not to stress.

3rd February 2007
Not much happening. Bp still wavering is 140/90 tonight so still up there even with the meds. Hol and Jay came today and by the time they left I was stressed out. I got a bit teary about causing so much chaos and our life being so unsettled. Let’s just hope we get back to Tamworth. Two more sleeps till 34 weeks.

Hols new name for the baby ( besides Trevor) is Jessie. She is such a funny kid full of so much personality. I love just watching her playing her games and pretending she is different people.

Feeling a bit lonely and sorry for myself stuck in here. Feel like I shouldn’t be here and the dr was just being over cautious.

5th February 2007
Got transferred back to Tamworth today. You would think I would feel more at home but I feel lonely as ever. The good thing is I got to come home in the car with Jay. I was free for a few hours. I just wanna go home with Jay and HOls. Im so homesick.

Hollebone has already put my BP meds up to 3 a day. Doesn’t look like Ill be going home anytime soon I don’t think.


6th February 2007
Another day down. Feeling really lonely. Didn’t get to see Hols or Jay today. Spent most of the day sleeping with a headache.

Bp is up and down again. Last reading was 135/92.

Hol told Jay tonight that she would “dream of mummy”. Made me cry…


7th February 1007
Still sitting around waiting. Feel like a big fat heffa at the moment.

BP was and down again today. One reading was 146/95. HOllebone has put me up to 6 Bp meds a day and that he wants to get me to 36 weeks but doesn’t think I will get any further then that. He said I wont be going home till baby is born..

Im missing Hols so much. I have spent 10 nights away from her. The longest I have ever been away from her before this was 3 nights. Feel like I have lost my little soul mate. Feel like she doesn’t need me.

8th February 2007
What a day!!! Woke up this morning and HOllebone said I could go home. BP stable on 6 tablets a day. So got excited and packed my stuff.. THEN…. Had BP take it was sky high so I thought I wasn’t going home, then they did it with a different machine and it was ok so they said I could still go. Was ready to go and then a dr appeared telling me Im not going anywhere. My bloods weren’t good. Kidney function not good and platelets are low.

Hol came up for a little bit today. Hope she understands whats going on. Tonight when Jay asker her about it she said “Mummy has to stay in hospital for baby”….

Its so busy in here all of a sudden. All the beds are taken and there are babies everywhere.


9th February 2007
Well I might be having the baby tomorrow. Having bloods in the morning then the decision will be made. Im totally freakin out. My kidney function isn’t great. I had a scan this arvo to check on bubs. Its in a weird position with back on mine legs up. Bub was apprx 2.2 kilos which is roughly so it hasn’t really put on much weight in a week and a half. I cant believe tomorrow I might be having my baby.

Hol and Jay came for a visit today. Hol told me she loved me which was nice to here.

10th February 2007
No baby today. Bloods weren’t that much worse today so baby stays in another day.

I got to go out for a few hours this arvo and went to mum and dads to hang out. As I sat and watched Hol in the pool my heart just broke for her. I just want to be with her getting her ready for the baby. I feel so guilty for leaving her. I just want to hold her.

Earlier on in the day when mum and dad bought Hollie up, she wrapped her hands around my neck and just sobbed her little heart out cause she wanted to stay with me. I just wanted to break down but I knew once I did I wouldn’t stop.

11th February 2007
Another boring day in jail. HOls and Jay came and spent some time with me and that was really nice. I cried myself to sleep lastnight. I just miss having my last Pregnant days at home with Hollie. Its been 2 weeks today that I have been in hospital.


13th February 2007
Another exciting day in paradise. Im so over it. I just want to know what is happening. Today the renal guys came in and said I was booked for a ceaser for tomorrow so I spent all arvo trying to find out if I was or not. I found out about 6pm I wasn’t.

I was allowed to duck out for 20 minutes with mum to go down the shopping center tonight. Wasn’t allowed out any longer then that..

Missing my girlie like crazy. I just want to cuddler her and tell her I love her. Cried myself to sleep lastnight. Just feel like im missing out on 3 whole weeks of her life.

18th February 2007
Oh wow what a few days it has been. On Tues (13th feb) I started to get pains at 11pm and kept quite about them for about an hour. I then told the midwife who told me to just watch them for another half hour and see what happens. They continued so I got moved around to the labour ward to be monitored and have my stitch out. OUCH its was the most painful thing. I got stuck into the gas but it was so friggin painful. Jay wasn’t even there yet to hold my hand..When he turned up at 2am Hol had to sit there with us for half hour till mum came and got her.

I was given pethidine to see if it would stop the contractions but they continued all night. So at 7am Dr H came in and said we were having a ceaser at 8:30am. So off I went to get prepared,was trying to act calm and cool but I was freaking out. Just before I went in Hollebone told me that my baby might have to be flown away cause we didn’t know the condition of it and its weight was a bit low.

I had a spinal this time and was freaking out that it might wear off but it didn’t. Thank god. Kept asking poor anesthetist if he was positive it wouldn’t.

The most special part of the whole event was when I heard the registrar, Alex say “Hello little darling” while he was still inside me. It melted my heart that someone so caring was the first person he saw. I couldn’t believe it was a boy. I kept saying to jay, it cant be a boy, I was sure it was a girl. He came out screaming with apgars better then Hollies. They were 8 and 9.He weighed 2225 gram and he is 42cm long.He is so tiny.

He spent 2 days in the humidicrib but I couldn’t go to see him as I was still hooked up to everything. It broke my heart. He had his drip taken out on day 4, which made it much easier to cuddle him. Those few days following his birth were a bit of a blur. I was so drugged up I couldn’t even contemplate a name. So he went 3 days without one. I had a reaction to the morphine which made me scratch nonstop, it nearly sent me out of my mind.

He is being tube fed and boob fed. He is doing really well with it but just gets tired sucking. He dropped back to 1995 on day 3, but had plenty more he could have lost before we would worry. He got his drip out yesterday (thankgod it was so annoying).He will be 5 days old tomorrow and 36 weeks.

Ive been so afraid I wouldn’t bond with him, but it was hard cause I hadn’t really been able to spend any time with him…

Im so homesick I miss my girl like crazy. I just wanna go home.


DAY 6 19th February 2007
Today was the day I was booked to have my ceaser. Hard to believe he is 6 days old. Today we had a weigh in but he hadn’t gained any weight. They checked his stomach content after 10 minutes sucking and he only had 2 mls in there. Should be 40mls. Im so upset.WE will never get home at this rate.Im just missing Hollie sooo much and wanna go home and be a family. I miss my pregnant belly so much and I miss my little boy too, feels like I am so far away from him even though it is just down the hall.

I watched him have a bath today. He has no fat on him. Looks like a little skinned rabbit with his ribs sticking out. I cant imagine taking him home to our family. I cant imagine being a mum of two..

DAY 8 21st February 2007
My baby is a week old today. He had a gain today taking him up to 2235. He was pretty sleepy most of the day, but had a beautiful boob feed tonight. We used a nipple shield which made such a difference.

A baby was born today that couldn’t breath. The NETS team came in and Flew him to the childrens hospital . The poor mum couldn’t go because she had had a ceaser. I was devastated for her.


DAY 9 22nd February 2007
The drs think I have a clot in my lung. Yesterday I had blood taken from my artery which was sooo painful. Today I had scans done on my lungs and calf. I will have the results tomorrow. When I got to the scan the guy told me I couldn’t breastfeed for the next 12 hours. Made me so mad he didn’t tell me before so I could have expressed some milk off. So I have to express and dump what a waste.

Jay and Hol came over tonight for a short visit. I miss them so much. How is our life ever going to get back to normal..

Another baby got flown out by the NETS team this morning. She had really tiny lungs. How scary for the parents.


DAY 10 23rd February 2007
Weight gain of 65grams today, brings him up to 2295.


DAY 12 25th February 2007
Weigh in Today. I was a bit disappointed. Thomas had only put on 15 grams. So he is now 2310. I guess it’s a gain and not a loss. Jay and Hols came today and helped bath him, which was nice to do as a family. Then I went out to mum and dads for the day for dads bday. It was so nice to be out of here but it felt so strange not having Thomas in my belly and not having him in my arms either.

Hol has grown up so much while I have been gone. I feel like I have missed an important part of her life. Im so scared of going home.


DAY 14 27th February 2007
Weigh in today and we have put on 45 grams. He is now 2355. I think he is starting to wake up a bit more finally. He had 2 really good breast feeds today and the rest tubes. The ob registrar came and spoke to me today and said the nurses were worried about my mental state. Surely it would be totally normal for me to a bit emotional after being here for so long and what I have been through.

Hol and Jay came over tonight. She is such a cutie. She was telling me that when she wakes up she says “why, why, why all day”.. She didn’t have to tell me that I know she does. LOL.

DAY 16 1st March 2007
Thomas weight in at 2390 today. A gain of 35 grams. Pediatrician decided he needs to be pushed so we are moving from alternate breast and tube feeds to try all breastfeeds. If he doesn’t wake for a feed then we do a tube. He hasn’t had a tube since 4am yesterday. How exciting. He roomed in with me last night which was a challenge.

Hollie came over today and had the day off so we could go do a few things, but everytime I got in to a shop the hospital rang cause Thomas was shouting and wanted to feed. I had my haircut which felt awesome…

DAY 17 2nd March 2007
Peadiatrician said as long as there is a weight gain tomorrow we can go home. So Thomas will room in with me tonight and be weighed in the morning.. YAY



Day 18 3rd March 2007
WE are going home today. We had a weight gain of…. 15grams. But its still a gain..

Pictures of my precious pair.......

Totally exhasted at the moment.. Thomas feeding nearly all night atm. My milk seems to drop of at a night I guess due to tiredness and stress by the end of the day...

Been really emotional of late and I think its just the last 2 months catching up on me. I was told by another premmie mum that I would go through some grief. I think im doing that now. I find it really hard to get my head around the whole corrected age thing. Im just expecting way too much of him. Although he is 7 weeks at 2 weeks corrected he is doing what he should. Just sleeping and eating. I guess watching other babies ( full termers) of similar ages starting to smile and coo just makes it hard. Its all soooo different to hollie. He still cant attach very well to the boob and Ive had sore cracked nipples.

Seems like that hospital stay wasnt me at all and it was someone else I was watching from the outside. Ive changed a lot from that experience. I went through so many highs in lows in that time and felt so many different emotions.

Thomas is growing. He is about 3.5kilos now and still a shorty at 50cm long. Looks a lot like hollie did, but she was a lot more alert then him. He has a real boy face and you can tell he is a boy

Hols has been a total ratbag. People dont beleive me cause she always acts sweet as pie. Was soo glad that roxy got to see one of her performances the other day of her spitting in my face and smacking me and throwing things at me. At least I know Im not making it up now. LOL..

This is a picture of him and Baby annabelle( hols doll) taken at 7 weeks. Wish i took one of him with her when he was born.. GRR.

My gorgeous freind NET had her little baby girl on Tuesday. What a sweetie and she has a gorgeous name. Arkaydia Paige. Isnt it just devine. She was a tiny little thing in comparison to her boofhead brothers, weighing in at only 7 pound 1. Net pushed her out in an hour and half and was home the next day. What a bloody trouper. COngrats to her , pete and the boys.... Maybe when Thomas gives Annabelle the flick he can go out with Arkaydia..

Well today Jay took Hollie to play golf with him for the afternoon. It gave Thomas and I the afternoon alone. Was really nice just to sit and be with him. I find it hard to pay him atention when HOllie is around cause she gets so jelous. Here is a pic I took of them together about a week after we got home. I wish she would enjoy him and spend some time loving him.

He has finally graduated to 0000s .LOL. Although the suit he wore today was a 00000. He looks so chubby to me until I catch him and I in the mirror as I walk past and he looks small. Jay took a photo of us lastnight before we went out to the cricket presentation. Ill add it..

He has reflux ( the one thing I didnt want this time) but doesnt seem as bad as Hollie was. She was a nightmare. He does want to be held a lot of the time and hates being laid flat. He has awful colic which leaves him in awful pain. Otherwise he is doing ok. He is 2 weeks corrected tommorrow and will be 7 weeks this week. He is changing soo much.


Hollie has grown up soo much. She can be such a PITA but then again she can be such a sweetie. She comes out with so many funny things... Everytime we come home from somewhere she says "home sweet home" cracks me up everytime. she also calls me "sweetie pie" and calls her and Thomas the cuties from Kooty(where mum and dad live). after that huge struggle of Toilet training her since sept she has basically decided to do it herself since I have been home. The one time I thought it wouldnt happen. The other day she came out from the toilet and said to my girlfriend " that poo had steam coming off it"LOL. I think she has been taking too much notice of the filth that comes out of her fathers mouth. LOL...

I cant beleive she will be 3 in 15 days.. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN..... Here is some pics of her and her new hat and her little chicken LOL...