The life of a Riley

Took Missy miranda ( HOllie) off to the eye specialist... She has a thing called browns syndrome. I thought it was actually her left eye turning wierd but its the fact that her right eye doesnt really move up.... Cant do anything about it unless its affecting her vision ( which it isnt at this point). We are having her eyes rechecked in 4 monhts just to make sure they are ok still....

I have NO idea what we are going to do about money.. I think im gonna have to go get a night job. I cant afford to pay for daycare if I only work part time and Im not getting enough photo shoots to keep us going. This week we have ZLICH for food. We have nothing in the freezer, and nothing in the fridge. I tried to take money out of the kids accounts today to grab some food but I there birth cert havent been recorded so I cant get it out till I show those. Hopefully ill do that tommorrow so I can get some food... I cant beleive how hard we are doing it at the moment. Have been looking in to getting the real estate to come up and price our house, and then maybe go back to something older maybe or rent if we can find something cheaper. Its not like we have a massive loan compared to some people, but we are struggling soo much.

I have been thinking about wanting another baby..If we could do the whole pregnancy thing naturally without having to worry about the suture and high risk pg as well, we would be TTC now... It just friggin frustrates me that shit has to be so bloody complicated...

dad bought over Hols bed that he made for her.... It looks awesome. She fell out of it lastnight while trying to come up to our bed though.. LOL.. Thatll serve her right, she should stay in her own bed. LOL.. pretty crappy pic but you get the idea..


When I got out of the shower this morning I bloody found Thomas up on top of it.. GRR little monkey....


Finally got Word back on my computer after like 8 momhts without it.. Was driving me crazy not being able to open my word files or use my spreadsheets... When I went back through I found this thing about my life before Jamie. Ive changed the Exs name to John.. LOL.. ( you know like in thats life where they protect the privacy).

The life I am living now, is very different to the life I was living 8 years ago. I left the family nest at 16 , after I wagged school and was arrested in a drug bust. The nun at my “catholic” school was not at all impressed and expelled me. My parents were ( as you can imagine) also not impressed and after a huge altercation I packed my bags and left. I moved into a flat with a group of blokes and before long was “hooked” up with one of them.

John* and I had a lovely relationship. We drank, smoked, did drugs, stole things and just bummed around waiting for the dole cheque each week. He was in and out of jail all the time. I got to a point where I decided I didn’t want that lifestyle anymore and I started looking for work and cleaned myself up. John was an alcoholic and drug addict and I was helping him support his habit. I would work all day and spend my nights following him around until he finally passed out.

I poured all my heart and soul into this relationship. I loved him with all my heart. I wanted to change him, and felt that I was sent to change him. I wanted a life like others had, with a partner that worked, didn’t waste there pay on alcohol, had a car and a license.

Johns verbal abuse had been happening for a long while, but then other things started to happen. I had a mirror smashed over my head, I was doused in petrol and my dog was killed in a jelous rage. He slit his wrists in front of me, saying that it was my fault he was doing it. How could I, the strong, confident, happy, determined women be letting this happen to me.

I started to realise that I deserved more then this. I wanted to feel loved and appreciated, so I started having a few affairs. Jamie ( dh) was a work mate who I had befriended. Things started to happen between us, but I just didn’t have the strength to end it with John. He needed me. My heart and head were in constant confliction over what was right for me. The last straw came when John took a knife to my throat during one of his drinking binges. At that moment, I realised, that my life was on the line here. I DID deserve something better.

It didn’t just become ok overnight. When Jamie finally moved in with me we faced another stage of the abuse. John harassed us no end. He did $2500 damage to Jamies car. He came past our house every night yelling threats of putting Jamie in hospital. I was terrified. My dad came and stayed one night to keep watch so I could sleep. I was a nervous wreck.

I developed severe panic disorder, depression and had a breakdown 2 years after this all happened. I was told it was post traumatic stress from my relationship with John and the consequences of when I broke up with him.

My life has changed so much, and when I think about who I used to be, I just cannot imagine it. I cant imagine being in that place and in my head. I look at photos of me back then and it just makes me so sad. I look happy on the outside but I was so lonely on the inside. When I tell people about it they struggle to comprehend that I let that happen to me.