Thursday, August 31, 2006

This is a miserable post, that felt better to write down my feelings. Just ignore if you like. Its more therapy for me.

Ok I think its all just hit me...........

I cant stop crying. IM terrified of goign through all this again. My pregnancy with HOllie was soo hard and difficult. I dont think anyone understands the utter fear Jay and I lived in while I was pg. Going to the city to see the babies in NICU and being told our baby would be there. Not knowing when it was going to happen. I harldy moved till I got to 28 weeks for fear of going into labour. The trips in the ambulance to Tamworth in the middle of the night, and being told I would be flying out that night in a helicopter to have my baby. I remember 24 weeks. It was xmas day and I was relieved to be that far. I knew if I could get that far my baby had a chance of living...

I know I am SOO lucky that Hollie was as stubborn (and the bedrest helped im sure) as she was and had to be evicted but the whole expereince of her pregnancy will never leave us. I guess Dr Hollebone talking about how she would have been born at 22 weeks and not lived without the stitch, kind of freaked me out. I cant imagine my life without her.

I know I can do this again. I know I can get this baby to full term. I just need to get past the stitch going in without going into labour and its my job to do the rest.
Well, after staying awake all night worrying about the wedding, it seems my freind Kylie, who now owns a Photography shop may be able to do it for me. She actually has 4 weddings on that weekend.. LOL.. I used to work with Kylie in the photolab and we did the studio together. After talking to her today it remined me that her partner, Greg has his anniversary coming up. 2 years next week since he left this world. 29 years is just way too young for someone to die of cancer....

Anyway im pretty relieved about that, I just hope the bride is Ok with it. I will call her back again tonight after Kylie calls her and make sure she is happy. I think I was in a bit of shock when I called her from outside the OBs office lastnight, so I think I need to explain it a bit better when I ring. That without this stitch going in, I will lose my baby....

I forgot to mention yesterday that the stitch costs $ 580 to be put in. I get $180 back from that, and it costs $180 to have it taken out. Bloody ridiculous, considering without it I wont get a baby.

I also forget to say a HUGE thanks to Mel the other day. She sent me ( a 1kilo) box of scrapping stuff she didnt need. SHes a gem and Hollie was nearly excited as I was. LOL.. Thanks so much Mel........

Bye for now

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Well we are back from seeing my gorgeous OB.... He wants to do the stitch at 15 weeks, which makes it the 19th of September. He has booked me in to hospital from the 19th-23rd but might get out a bit earlier if all is ok.. He reminded me off all the risks again, which is freaking me out again, but what choice do I have. He had a trainee OB in with him today and was explaining about the stitch to her. She was asking questions and he said that if I hadnt of had stitch I would have had Hollie at 22weeks. Thats how close dialation was :(. Very scary. So Im having the stitch in at 15 weeks instead of 20 weeks.

My BIG dilemma is.......... I have a wedding the weeke after that and he has told me its rest after the stitch. He said he can do his bit but I have to do my part as well. I need to find another photographer that will do my price. NO IDEA how I am going to do that. I did try to get her another photographer when I first got pg and I knew the risks( but I thought stitch would be in at 20 weeks) but she still said NO you will be fine you wont have to do much. People just dont understand how strenuos a wedding is......

SOOOOOOOOOOoo, How the hell am I gonna do rest with Hollie to look after?

Anyway looks like its another for ceaser for us, and my OB is on holidays from the 1st of march. Im going to BEG him if he will do it for me before he goes at 37.5 weeks. I NEED him to do it.. I trust him. I dont want anyone else........

Hope all that made sense. Just got home from Tamworth ( where OB is) and totally buggered...

Bye for now

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Ok ive been harrassed about no updates ( thanks Jess).....

Been sick on and off, taking Maxolon when I really cant handle it but struggling through if I can. TOmmorrow is OB appointment. Feeling a little apprehensive, as we will talk about when the stitch will go in and what my chances are of another full term pregnancy. Had a blood test today and took Hols for a bit of a hair cut.

Heres a piccie of Hol in all her dorkiness yesterday.. LOL.... Its kinda cute. Excuse the evil eyes it was taken on the little digital....

Her knew word is "SOON". Anything you want her to do has to be done SOON.. shes such a dag.

I leave you with this song I keep forgetting to add, that Faith sent to me a few weeks ago. She said the words remind her of my IVF journey and it does................... Bye for now.

So Hard"

Back when we started
We didn't know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us
Now we've got something
I can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard

It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easy

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Took myself off to the Dr today to get something for the morning sickness.... I have been so ill. It goes all day and night and doesnt let up. I cant function, I cant do anything. Last 2 days I havent been able to look at the computer screen, I have no patience for Poor HOl. Dr gave me 2 scripts to try out and see how they go. He also said I can go up on my AD's if I want to, but I think I might wait till the Morning sickness passes. I think that might be making the anxiety and stuff worse. He also gave me a referall to a new Psychologist...

While we were there, he couldnt help himself, and wanted to have another look at the baby. It was bouncing around in there and wouldnt keep still. Hols thought it was pretty cool..

Mums off work for a few days so she is heading over here tommorrow to give me a hand with the house, I cant stand it but I cant do anything about it.. Ive been working through it as well as I can but I need help with the windows and stuff and I started the skirting boards but start feeling dizzy when im down there.....She will stay the night and head home THursday. If I feel ok we might go out and have a sticky at Ag-quip tommorrow..

I got a lovely parcel from Cat off EB yesterday of some scrapping stuff. What a gem she is.. It made my day. I cant wait to get in there and do some scrapping with it.

I keep forgetting to show off my gorgeous flowers that my gorgeous cousin gave me when she came to see me the other day... They are devine and I can smell them all through the house.. THe other few buds are starting to flower now.. They are lovely...

I also got a gorgeous little plant from Chelsea when I went and met with her for morning tea, when we went to Newcastle. I still havent put it in the garden yet but everyone comments on it on my bench. You kinda see it sitting on the bench under the flowers......

Bye for now.......

Sunday, August 20, 2006

My gf that lives up the road, told me she did layout on Hollie for a challenge at chookscraps. Im so excited I need to show it off... The theme was generosity and she used this photo because she likes to be generous with the time she spends with Hol.. I think it is fantastic and It feels great to know that someone else thinks as much of my little girl as i do..... I love it Jode..
THe inlaws just came over for Lunch. Its hard to beleive that the frail looking man that was sitting next to me at lunch is jays dad. The chemo has knocked him around soooo much. I just wanna burst into tears everytime I see him. Hol keeps saying he is sick in his throat, so Im not sure if thats what he told her.. He just adores Hol. His face lights up everytime she walks in the door. Mother in law rang to ask could they come for lunch to get him out of the house. I think she is concerned that he isnt really going anywhere and sitting at home all the time. I just hope he can go back to work some time soon.

I also took this pic on my crappy 2mp camera of Hols and my dad yesterday. He let her help him drive the car in the back yard. She thought it was just fantastic.

Bye for now

Friday, August 18, 2006

Just had to come show off a few photos I took of the grubb today. Not fantastic shots but all I wanted was one of her in this outfit for her godmother... THe last one ( i did in sepia) is Really overexposed but i love the expression.

Where has my baby gone? She was such a gorgeous
baby ( besides the
continues screaming).
Its really sad how fast
they grow up. She is such
a little girl now.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Just thought I would post my first pregnancy photo at 9 and a half weeks. Im wearing my new RIPE jeans i bought off ebay. I love them... where that white spot is is the TV behind me so you can see where my back is in comparsion to my front. LOL. Im actually breathing in in that pic to make sure i wasnt pushing out.

Im feeeling slightly better today. Still really down on myself, and feeling like I need a huge boost, but Ill work through it. I have an appointment on Tuesday with my GP again, to get a referral for a new counsellor. Mine died :(.. I need help to stop being so hard on myself.

Mel ( my bossy mother figure) told me I had to do a scrap Lo with 10 things i love about me. I struggled to get to 7. I find it really hard to find things I like about myself. Having an abusive ex doesnt help all that much. Told me I was a worthless peice of shit. I pretty much got told the same thing this week and it just started all those feelings again......

Anyway, today Hols is at daycare today, so its a ME day. There has been two cases of chicken pox at the centre. Hope Hol doesnt bring it home. She cant have the vaccine, cause it has egg in it, and she is allregic to egg. Jamie hasnt ever had them. Laast year my brother got them and got encephilitis, menangitis, so im a bit scared about Jamie getting them at such a late stage in his life.

Lastnight I did my first scrapping in ages. I scrapped Fo's cj page. So thats another down and about another 12 to go.. At least I actually sat there without pukeing.

Bye for now.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Just got the reply from my dr and he said NOOOOO I cant increase meds.... :(
I havent talked about this in my blog before, but Im absolutely struggling with my anxiety and depression... I spoke to a good freind Holly, about it last week and she suggested I ask my dr about going back up on my Antidepressants. He didnt even tell me that I had to drop down but I just did it myself. Im just finding I cant cope with a lot of things at the moment. Im not sure if the Pregnancy hormones are making it tenfold or not. I stayed on a full tablet when I was pg with HOllie and I felt fantatsic. I thought since I coped so well last time that I would reduce it this time.

I still havent made the decision about if I will increase or not but I just wanted to put it on paper. My phsyciatrist told me that It is much better to take meds when pg then be stressed. Stress is apparenlty worse for the baby. But then the whole guilt starts about giving my baby my medication.

I only really need one thing to set me off and its a downward spiral, and its really hard to get back up. I guess the feelings about my love for Hollie and stuff is on my mind alot.

I guess i have a built up anxiety about this pregnancy, and having to go through all the stuff we did with Hollie. This time, with Hollie in our lives as well, the hospital stays and the bedrest is just going to be soo hard. Im hoping that my ob says, this time, I am just restricted in what I do and not actual bed rest, since we know my uterus can stretch.This all sounds ridiculous I guess when I just went through all that IVF to get pregnant.

This time the actual reality of what can go wrong with the stitch and the premature labour has hit soo much harder cause it took that much longer this time to actually get pregnant. It may not happen again :(.

Sadly, Roxys pop passed away this morning. May he be on his journey to a beautiful place of peace. I will be thinking of Roxy as she makes her LONG trip home to be with her family.....

Monday, August 14, 2006

I have really been struggling with the idea of Loving another child. This morning I received a lovely PM From a gal on EB with a gorgeous poem that I just need to share.... Thanks Danielle, its beautiful. Thanks so much for caring..

Loving Two
I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand,
basking in the glow of our magical relationship.
Suddenly I feel a kick from within,
as if to remind me that our time alone is limited.
And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you.
I watch the pain you feel at having to share me
as you’ve never shared me before.
I hear you telling me in your own way,
“Please love only me.?
And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t,?
knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you.
I almost see our new baby as an intruder
on the precious relationship we once shared.
A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing,
I find myself attached to that new being,
and feeling almost guilty.
I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him
—as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change,
first to curiosity, then to protectiveness,
finally to genuine affection.

More days pass,
and we are settling into a new routine.
The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared,
just we two.
There are new times – only now, we are three.
I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.
I watch how he adores you — as I have for so long.
I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments.
And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you,
I’ve given something to you.
I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.
I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.
And my question is finally answered, to my amazement.
Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you—only differently.
And although I realize that you may have to share my time,
I now know you’ll never share my love.
There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.
I love you—-both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.
—Author Unknown

Saturday, August 12, 2006

My gal is home and cute as ever ( for now anyway). Im really concerned about her excema at the moment. I think im going to have to take her back to the allergist. On Thursday when she got up , I thought she had meningoccol. She had the worst, angry lookign rash under her arm and down her side. She had had some excema there but nothing like that. I took her to the chemist ( where i used to work) on the way to daycare and the pharmacist said I need to dress her a bit lighter. She thinks its just getting red and angry from being over heated. The house was hot that night so thats why it got so bad. I had already stopped putting spensers on her the week before because I thought it was aggravating it so i was on the right track..... It just looks so awful.. Here is a pic I took on Thursday.

Roxys pop is on his way to a place of peace. :(. He has been sick for a little while, and he has decided he has had enough. She has never lost anyone before so its gonna be tough on her. Ill be thinking of her and her family this week. She has to travel all the way back to S.A which makes it all that bit harder. At least she can spend time with her mum and dad while she is there.
My little girl is with Nan and pop today. Yesterday was the worst day with her. I was so exhausted from her not sleeping and was so sick throwing up and crap. I went off my nut at her and I smacked her ( i dont usually smack), then i cried and it was just a shit day. I was at mum and dads but they were both at work so It was just me and her. We drove to town and I nearly fell asleep driving. I haven never done that before.

WHen jay came back from Port macquarie to pick us up Mum offered to have her for the night and Jay will pick her up tonight. I thought i was ok with that, but when I got home I cried myself to sleep. THe whole thoughts of what if something ever happens to her I couldnt cope. Not having her here in the house makes me realise how bare it is without her. I adore like noone else. SHe is my best freind. Then i started getting upset about how I think I have made the wrong choice having another baby. How is HOllie going to feel? She will be so jelous and hate me for having to share myself. I sobbed and sobbed.

I cant wait to see her now... Wish 6 oclock would hurry up. I just wanna hold her and cuddle her and tell her how much i love her......

Better go before the tears start again.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Just talking to a freind that went to lunch with the other playgroup mums.. Was just telling me about a convo she had today with the others about me. What a hoot..Considering the rotten day I have had with HOllie and all the crying and yelling I have done, it gave me a good laugh..

Heres some of the convo. Soph runs the playgroup ( i would say she is upper class).
Kaysie says:
i have no tolerance
Faith says:
i know the feelin
Kaysie says:
i feel like she walks over me
Faith says:
and to think it was just today that everyone was saying what a good mum u were and how patient u r with all the kids soph asked me if u were always so levelheaded and patient
Kaysie says:
did you say no
Faith says:
char said i doubt it noone is that patient all the time then i said actually you'd b surprised at how much shit kays puts up with from millions of ppls kids i couldnt bloody do it thats for sure
Kaysie says:
Faith says:
yep and they all think ur really upper class they asked if u swear coz jess was saying shes really foul mouthed when shes not at playgroup
Faith says:
and soph said me too
Faith says:
then they said does kays swear? I said oh hell yeah.

God thats funny. Nobody but those that know me would know how funny that is. I am so not upper class. I have the worst Potty mouth, and I yell at Hollie ALL THE TIME and lose my cool. Made me feel good though...
I cried myself to sleep lastnight. Just a few things going on at the moment that are getting me down.

The awful dreams are coming back this pregnancy as well. I have these horrible dreams that are so real. They scare me so much I wake crying and start having panic attacks. I woke with one lastnight at the motel and I was soo scared I had to turn the tv on and watch a movie to help switch my mind off it.

Jay is going away on Thursday for work and I am terrified. I havent stayed a night at home alone since I first started having panic attacks 6 years ago. Fingers crossed I can organised to get MUm here to stay with me or get to her house for the night. It makes me realise how bloody incapable that mental illness can make you.

On a venting note. THere is so much bitchy shit going on in my life at the moment. I try to stick up for a freind with another freind and both bloody slap me down and now im the bloody bitch. I give up. NO MORE... no more putting myself out for everyone, no more being the one that takes all the crap, no more involving myself in those situations. I just dont need it with all the other added stress and crap going on in our lives. This issue is about 99th on my list of priorities of shit to deal with. OVER AND OUT!!!

PS good luck to Net on her scan today... Fingers crossed its not eptopic.....

Monday, August 07, 2006

I am so glad to be writing this post. THere is a baby in there for real. I have been worried sick the last week or so that I was going to see no heartbeat. I didnt feel like this with HOllie but I guess her IVF journey wasnt as hard as this time. I just know I couldnt cope if something happens with this baby. I know its a long road ahead, and I have the worry of having hte cervical suture in again, and premature labour. But the first hurdle has passed. THere is a heartbeat.

Hollie was so proud as she sat on daddys lap and watched the screen. She held that little photo like it was gold. The 5 hour drive with her carrying on like a wild animal, was worth it for that ONE PRECIOUS MOMENT.

The little blue colour on this pic, is the little heartbeat flickering away and the one at the top is the view of the uterus with the little cashew inside.

I met up with an old freind today while I was in Newy ( hey chelsea-bigwave). Ive always felt like the 4th sibling in her family so was really lovely to catch up with her, and hear all about her life and her family.

So exhausted!!!!!!!!!!!! Time for bed.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

I havent updated much this week cause our internet has been so slow and frustrating. Im at Mum and dads at the moment, while jay is at Baseball.

We are off to newcastle to the IVf clinic for our heartbeat scan on Monday. I have had the worst dreams about there being no HB so I just want to get Monday over and done with.

Got back some more blood results this week. HCG was at 29,000 On Tuesday, and Progesterone 411. Both are great apparently. Its nice to know the levels. I never asked anything like that with HOllie. I just had them done and checked they were ok.

Still sufferring with the all day sickness and I have lost another kilo.

Yesterday I got home from being out and Roxy and Cameron were at home, and Cameron was working on my garden. He did a fantastic job weeding the front garden for me. I really appreciate it, I dont think anyone has ever done anything like that for me before.....

Handed Mum and Dad back there photos today. Yeahhhhh. Mum is actually looking through them giving us a commentary as I sit here typing LOL.

OH OH OH OH and the other bloody fantastic news is: Mine and rachels parcle has been found at a courier depot. So its heading back to Rach and then Australia Post will hopefully make it this time to my door. Im so wrapped and so is Rach. LOL... I cant wait now. I have been putting off so much scrapping waiting for this parcel. Cause I just dont have anything and couldnt afford to go out and buy anything else. .

Signing off