Long time no write... Been really busy....

I was asked to teach a canvas scrap class to a teen mums group. Was a lot of hard work. The girls had never scrapped before or even seen it so needed soo much help. Was very tiring.. This was my sample canvas I did to show them... Its hanging in Hollies room and as you can see she is very proud of it..LOL..

I also did this scrap page when I was at mums for the long weekend.. Suppose i could have cropped the floor away..LOL



Thomas is growing so fast its scary. Nearly 5 months old and starting to laugh and have conversations with us. He is very cute, and he and Hollie are getting on so well. It is so beautiful to watch them playing togehter and the way he looks at her is just so sweet. He looks for her whenever he is awake. Ive been having some issues about his name. It still doesnt feel right. Its just not ME, But i also wouldnt want to hurt jays feelings by changing it. I find myself calling him mate and not Thomas cause it just isnt me.. I dont really know what to do about it. I dont want to regret it for the rest of my life. Anyway here is a pic of the gorgeous little human being..He has the most wonderful smile that just melts my heart.When he is having booby if I look down at him he gives me that big lushes smile so I cant look at him. LOL. He also puts both his hands around my boob and strokes it.. Its so lovely. I remember when hollie used to do that. Like he appreciates every drop of that devine milk.....

Hollie is thriving and is as clever as ever. I think she is outgrowing Daycare and will hopefully go the 2 days to preschool next year. She has learnt to use scizzors so is cutting every bit of paper and cardboard in site. She told me she met a "nice guy" at church that she is gonna marry. How funny. One of her favourite words at the moment is rekon.. She says, I rekon mum.. LOL. I love it. SO much personality. If only she would sleep.. Thomas sleeps way better then her. Its sooooo frustrating.. SHe keeps bloody licking her lips and has an awful dry patch. I photoshopped it out in this photo.LOL. It looks awful. Im thinking of gettin her hair cut off to shoulder length. I just cant decide..Jays dad had a feed line put in to his stomach a couple of weeks back. he has another Mass but they arent sure what it is. It is blocking off his oesophegus and he only has a hole the size of apinhead so not much food can get down there. They are saying that sometimes after a big op ( like the one he had to remove the cancer) that a calcifcation can occur at the op site. The other thing is that it is more cancer.He has lost soo much weight that they have put in the feed line to try and fatten him up a bit so they can operate. It is really sad to watch him how he is. I feel so sad for him. His life has just fallen apart in the last few years. Jays family dont really show there feelings and sometimes I feel like He just needs a big hug. I know he gets so much joy from seeing the kids. I often see a tear in his eye as he watches Hollie and the day he came to see Thomas at the hospital, when he came back from the SCN he had a tear in his eye. Cancer is such a dreadful disease...

A guy I used to hang out with ( my ex sils partner) got killed last weekend. The guy was not the greatest citizen and was always in and out of jail but he was still a person and a father. His DD and I used to be so close and she was in my care a lot while both her parents were in jail. My heart breaks for her. The car was towed in to jays work on the saturday and at that point I didnt know that it was him that got killed in the car I just knew that a person had got killed. The car was just a mess. Im so terrified of dying in a car accident, or being trapped in a car with my kids screaming in pain. Its my biggest fear....

I got a lovely little parcel for the kids and I the other day off the lovely kind sarah. We all loved our stuff. Hollie got a little book which she has been using as a menu book in the cafe LOL and some stickers and clips, and I got a block of a chocolate which i soooo needed that day, and Thomas got a gorgeous Bonds shirt which he needed.

better go to bed its late im tired and im sure the night will be eventful....

Just read Felicitys comment in my blog and Im SOOOOOO glad you wrote that chick. I have these issues in my mind about the guilt of being depressed when I did IVF to have them. Its like, something I cant explain but you feel like you have to be grateful (which I am) and that you should be floating on a cloud. That is the way I WANT to feel. I dont want to be like this.. I hate it...

I went to the counsellor today and talk about a total utter waste of time. She is called a "mental health nurse" and all she did was paper work of filling crap out and said oh well ill make another appointment and see how you are going next week.. WT... She did nothing. Not a smidgen of advice. NOTHING. She even said she doesnt know anything about coping techniques blah blah blah. Well why they hell are you there helping our people with mental health problems.. OMG i hate this shit hole of a town sometimes.... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr

Jamie forgot to pick Hollie up from daycare today.. How embarrssing. I felt awful when I got there. I went downt to his work to pick her up and he didnt have her.. Bloody men. I was at my appointment.. I have been using the 123 magic on her and seems to be going ok. I can see it working if I just keep doing it and be consistant..

This guy that works with Jay has a daughter thats 17 and they live around the corner ( i have to drive past there house everyday) and we know them really well. Anyway yesterday jay rings me and says " we are totally out of the loop". I was like WHY.. He said Fred( not real name) isnt at work today cause his daugther is gonna have her baby today.. We were like OMFG. I only saw her the other day. WE had NFI.... TOtallly in shock....blown away....

T
homas was 4 months old yesterday..
Check out how gorgeous he is... Isnt he just precious.. He looks soo much like me i rekon. But then again where his hair is sitting up he looks more like jamie.. AWWWE he is soo cute. I havent been able to put him down today he has been soooo full of wind and in soo much pain. Poor little thing. I also fogot his losec lastnight so I think that didnt help much...

He loves his mummy sooo much. He just loves to snuggle in to me and nuzzle under my neck.. A real mummys boy... Still doesnt feel like he is mine. Its just sooooo surreal that I have a boy.

Well , i didnt go to the counsellor yesterday.... Jamie had to go to Tamworth lastnight So i would be home alone till really late and didnt want to be alone after talking to the counsellor. It freaks me out when I talk about it and Makes me have panic attacks so I changed it to friday...

Went to a parenting cause on disicpline yesterday and Friday and it was really good. I learnt a few new things to try.

On the weekend we went to Tamworth and stayed at mum and dads cause Jay played baseball all weekend.. Dad and I had another big fight ( its getting bloody predictable) and he said I wasnt welcome there anymore, then he is ringing me the next day to see if Im coming over this weekend. It snowed just out of Tamworth on Saturday but we didnt go and have a look it was just too bloody cold.. Newcastle and the hunter had some really bad flooding and storms and on the news it looks like a war zone. james and Lee were only 300metres from the flood waters but were just on a rise so they didnt have to get evacutated but most of Maitland did.

Have to write this down cause it was so funny but it is a "had to be there moment". My Dad and Hollie started walking to town on sunday (where they live is like 15klm out of town) and we picked them up on teh way. Apparenlty Hol had been talking about maccas to dad on teh way. When we picked them up dad said he needed to go to the toilet. Mum said " so where do you want us to stop mervyn" and he told us and hollie said " Excuse me nanny, Poppy could use the toitet(toilet) at maccas" "there is free(3) toitets at maccas"..It was sooo funny. She was soo serious we just all burst out laughing. She is such a cack....

Thomas is starting to babble a bit more and his favrouite word at the moment is argoo. So cute when they start giving you something back.. He is growing way too fast.. Mum keeps saying that she still cant beleive he is here. She said it just doesnt seem real. She said with Hol she just sort of fit. I know the feeling she has cause I feel it sometimes too. Very hard to explain. She wondered if it was his Name, since it is not really ME. I still wonder if I did the right thing agreeing to Thomas....

Just going through some photos and saving files since I have saved to disk since january.. eeekkkkkkkk. Thought I might share a few..

How unimpressed does he look about the pink beanie.. LOL.. I love it..Jay wasnt very happy about me putting this bonnet on him.. I think it is sooo cute....This is how curly his hair goes after a bath. Once it dries its flat again though...Here he is with his Girlfreind Kadence, who is 10 weeks younger and is now the same length.

I was havitn one of those real crap self esteem days today where you just hate everything you see in the mirror. My clothes dont fit, my boobs are huge and maternity bras dont do much, My hair needs cutting and Im just sick of being daggy. Anyway I come out and Hollie said " Mum, you look cool"..LOL... What a way to make me feel better. She is such a little darlin.....

Here is a Layout I did a few weeks ago. It says You are like me in so many ways. All the ways we are alike are written around the edge..
Thomas had a weigh in the other day, and at 16 weeks he weighs 5.7kilos and is 57.5cm bloody shortie. Im booked in to the counsellor on Tuesday. Im so scared. Im glad she has all my notes from before when I was agoraphobic so I dont have to re explain a lot of it...

Im off to a parenting course tommorrow. I cant wait. Lets hope it can give me some strategies for dealing with this girl of mine....

Thanks girls for the beautiful comments. I know that you are all always there for me. it is so nice to know that.. Holly, im always thinking of you. When times are really touch I think of you and how lucky I really am. You are the strongest women i know and I couldnt do what you are doing. I just wish I could be closer to you to give you some company....

TO start with just have to say OMG i won a little prize on Jodys blog... SOme yummy scrapping stuff. If my internet speed wasnt capped Id go get the link.. LOL... Im so excited...

Friday was a bit of a hard day. Finally decided to admit to myself that I think I have PND. I know it sounds strange since I havent actually gone of my antidepressants but I guess I just need an increase. I was hoping to go to my GP and feel like I had a lot of support but I felt the total opposite. He just said to me " why would you be depressed, you have what you wanted". That is one of the reasons I didnt want to admit it. I dont understand myself. I just handed him the list that I had written down and he read through it. I had written on my list that I have a fear of self harming and he kind of laughed it off and said Why would you want to hurt yourself. It took soo much effort for me to go in there and say all that to him that I just felt gutted and shot down.

He prescribed me to go up to 2 of my tablets a day. Thing is i cant afford $60 a month for tablets. We are struggling just coming up with $30 a month for them. I also need to go have some counselling, so Ill sort that out tommorrow.

I just feel BLERGH... I have no motivation, Im just going around in circles with my house leaving things incomplete, i cant make decisions, I dont want to be touched or talked to, I have no libido, I feel numb, I feel unemotional like i just exist, Dont take pride in myself, cant be bothered going anywhere or talking to anyone, Terrified of hurting myself.....

Now I have a headache just going through all those thoughts again.

When I told jay I had made an appointment on friday and what is was for he said " cant you wait till Wednesday till you get paid". That shocked me and just made me feel like he really doesnt give a crap. I made the appointment on friday cause if I put it off again I just wouldnt go...I feel really hurt that the money was his first thought.

Thomas has had an awful 2 days.. Just screaming and not settling. Jay thinks he is teething cause his hands are shoved in his mouth and he is dribbling. I had th esame thought but cant see any signs of any teeth..

Hollie has just been a maniac today. That girl has anger issues which I think come from her lack of sleep. Im sooo over the nights in this house. Lastnight I had about 2 hours all up. I was up and down with her putting her back to bed every hour then feeding him. I cant do this anymore. I just want her to sleep and stay in her own bed.....

Best be going to bed...