Ok time to update ( i keep getting an ear bashing).. LOL..

Hollie is driving me insane.. LOL.. HOw will i cope with another year of her at home. She is bored I think and I kinda of try and avoid having to entertain her ( bad bad mummy) I just seem to have so much else to do then play ( thats really bad isnt it :( ).

She had allergy testing re done on Friday to see if she had grown out of any. I was really hoping the peanut allergy was gone.. Its actualy over doubled... I could have cried. She has grown out of soy and shellfish, but now has an allergy to hazlenut, cashew, really bad one to cats and 2 types of dust mite. He said the allergen things in her nose were soooo swollen. SHe could hardly even talk she was so blocked up when we saw him so I gues that was a good thing.. She is now on Zyrtec for at least 6 weeks, Nasonex nasal spray and fess nasal spray twice a day to try and take the swelling down. I also have to get her a new mattres and matress cover to try and control the dust mites. This could be one of the reasons she cant sleep.... Lets keep our fingers crossed.

Thomas is a bloody funny child... Just hilarious. Full of life and personailty. His talking has just come along so much since the grommits went in. His favourite thing to say is "oh god" and he says Mum, dad, nan, pop, more, zahlia ( freinds baby) and I think he said cold the other day. SOO cute... He wanted me to put him on the toilet the other day. Im not ready for my baby to toilet train.. LOL... He thinks its hilarious sitting up there. Doesnt do anything till he gets off and I put nappy back on but he obviously knows what its for cause he pats his butt and gets me to put him up there.

He also decided he wanted his hair up yetserday. LOL bought me a hair band and brush and pulled his hair up on top to show me what he wanted. LOL.. DAG.. He is so cuddly and loves to snuggle his mumma. Just such a beautiful little boy but such a rougue as well. Loves to run on the raod and climb and have me chase after him as he escapes from the maccas play room once the door is opened.. Nearly gives his godmother a heart attack...lol.

Jay and I are still seperated... 6 weeks today.. OMG thats crazy. We were getting on well then we kinda got snappy again ( did coincide with PMT though)... Friday night he got really pissed and couldnt work saturday morning so Im really really really mad about that. THe amount of times i have asked him to take a satruday morning off so we can go away for the weekend and he carries on like I asked him to cut of his leg. then he drinks too much and cant work... ARGH...

Lastnight I went to the movies with Rox and watched Baby mama.. It was pretty good and I was sooo nodding my head at the start with a lot of the stuff. Roxys eyes nearly popped out of her head when they implanted the embryo with the big long catheter thing, when i told her thats really how big it is.. LOL.. too funny. Zahli bear came with us and she was sooo good she sat wide eyed and watched the movie. Party animal she is.. LOL.

THursday was Father in laws anniversary of his death. I just cant get my head around the fact it was a year ago. I was supposed to go out to a fundraiser thing but I chose to go and have dinner with Jay, his mum and sister and the kids. Was nice but very wierd knowing what we had been doing the previous year.

In very sad news Sister in law and her Hubby broke up yesterday. They were married 4 days after her dads death. The year has been hard and long for them and He finally made the split yesterday. Tommorrow is there one year anniversary of marraige so Its going to be a really tough day for sal... I think it will be for the best but I know how hard it is to get your head around it.....

I photographed a gorgeous wedding in Narrabri last weekend. Still going through all the photos. The bride was sooo gorgeous.. Ill pop some on here when im done....

Have to add this hilarious photo of Thomas.. This stretch sticker is off Hollies new top. She gave it to Thomas and look where he stuck it.. LOL.. He is just too funny. Check out how funny he thought it was when i grabbed the camera.. LOL.

Just running through to show this pic.... I took the second pic of Thomas yesterday and it looks exactly like my favourite pic of him when he was in the SCN....

Went out last night with the girls from playgroup for dinner. Was a nice night with no kids and being able to sit and talk and eat your meal in peace. THe girls all piked out and went home so I went to the regal on my own. VERY SAD i know.. Danced a fair bit and caught up with an old freind who is actually getting married next weekend. I love dancing but gee I feel so old with all the 18 year olds. I feel so fat and frumpy and blergh..... I got home at about 2:30, cranked teh music, cracked a beer and had a party on my own. LOL.. Finally got to bed at 4am.

Jay bought the kids back at 11am. Thomas was so excited when he saw me through the screen door. Was kinda like he had forgotten me and then saw me and realised I still existed. Was really cute. He looks so grown up even after just 2 days.. Where has my baby gone.

Jay and I have actually been quite nice to each other today and a few cuddles. He is asleep on the lounge at the moment.....

Here is a few photos of the kiddies I took a couple of weekends ago....

Jay has the kids until Sunday. I didnt really want Thomas to go for 2 nights cause I have never been apart from him before but Jay said I had to let go.....

Im lost

Its been a really hard week. I feel like my heart just keeps breaking over and over again...

Lots of panic attacks and feeling so so heavy hearted... I feel like im hurting all over. Im trying so hard.....

Started some emotional release counselling today. Was in there for over 2 hours. LOl. I did something called sandplay where you play wiht your hands in the sand until you form something. You just let your mind run free and your hands go where they want to. Then you select some symbols from the cabinet and place them on your sand art. The symbols I chose were a pg transparent lady with a baby in her belly, A grim reaper, a statue of people ebracing and a naked women. We talked about what these meant in my life and what they symbolise. Its very interesting.

In the session we also talk about our own birth. It is thought that the process of our birth can have a huge imapct on our life. If the birth was long and difficult we may have felt hopeless and like there was no way back and no way forward. Hard to explain but so interesting...

Jamie took Hollie tonight for a sleepover.. She misses him so much. Poor Thomas Fell off the treadmill tonight. he was swinging on it like a monket and fell and smacked his mouth. It wasnt as bad as it could have been......

Heres a few pics I took last week in the park.. and a couple of hols new hair cut.

OK i really need to update....

Jamie and I are still seperated. Im not sure what is going to happen or how it will work out in the end. Last week when i walked out of my counselling session he was waiting in the waiting room for his session and when he saw me he burst in to tears. He said he was ok till he saw me. We hugged and had a little talk and then I left so he could go to his session. Im not sure if it helped or not.

I have been making a really huge effort to fix the things he is saying that are the reason he goes out drinking and doenst want to be around me. I dont feel like he has made any effort. The frist weekend after he moved out, he went out. I had a huge panic attack and rang his mums looking for him and she said he was out. That was at 2am. I was so hurt.

On the weekend I had to work taking some photos and then I went out. Jays mum had the kids when i first left and he was supposed to take over after baseball. He never turned up. I saw him at the regal and he tried to dirty dance with me. We had a few fights and tehn he dissapeared. At the end of the night i tried to find him and he was gone so I thought he had just gone back to my house where the kids were but when i got there his mum hadnt seen him. She was a bit worried about him I think, but when she got home in the morning he had gone back there.

Today we have just fought and fought. Im so angry I just want to slap him. He says that he is seperated so he should be able to go out when ever he wants. But then says that I need to change my ways before he comes back. So why doesnt he have to change his ways for me.. I dont get it and im starting to get to the point that I just want it over and I can think about moving on.

The kids finally had there grommits done on monday. Ended up getting htem done together. Wasnt too bad. Was kinda hard when I had thomas in recovery screaming and I had to go in to theatre bay with Hollie to send her off to sleep. Thomas woke up scremaing his ring out so they gave him some morphine and they gave it to Hollie before she came out. She didnt agree with it all that well and vomited a few times and had the itches. Overall it wasnt too bad. VERY tiring but ok. My friggin car broke down on the way to the hospital at 6:30am which is just my luck.. LOL.. Heres a few pics dad took at the hospital.