WHY is it sooo fucking hard for me to have a baby. I hate this shit. Im so tired from the constant emotions and drugs and rollercoaster. Why couldnt it be someone that doesnt want kids. I dont get it.

My brother just rang to say they found out on Satdy that his wife is 8 weeks pregnant. Oops another accident. Im sick of hearing about all these friggin people that have sex and get pg. All the friggin accidents. Its just sooo unfair. Jay said at least now we are pretty safe when we answer the phone that noone else will announce there pregnancy. Seems everyone that possibly could be pg in my life is.

I hate that i feel this way. I hate that I cant just be happy for people.. I hate that some people have NFI how hard it is for us. The pain we go through to have our kids.

Ok miserable post from me signing off

Well we got the dreaded negative again. Anger has taken over the sadness this time. Just feeling totally Mad at the world. Sick of the naievity of Fertile people. Jay and i have been fighting lots about the different ways each of us deal with the whole experience. I feel like he doesnt even care. He doesnt show any emotion at all, and its bugging the hell out of me.

A special thing happened yesterda. I totally lost my cool with HOllie and yelled at her a lot and smacked her. Straight after I burst into tears and begged for her forgivenes. She crawled up onto my lap and patted me and wiped my tears away. I just sobbed for about 45 minutes while she held me. It was such a nice moment, even though it was so sad..

I have the biggest head ache so must go rest my weary head.

I hate waiting..................................................................................................................................................


BLoods are done, now i just have to wait for the results. Might not get them till tommorrow. I cant wait any longer, I have to know so I can just get on with it....

On a good note, or should i say spectacular note.. Hols went to daycare this morning with NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO screaming or even crying. Im still in shock. Im soo proud of her. I just couldnt deal with that today and she knew that.... I just love her to bits........

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh more pregnancys grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. How am i supposed to feel? I mean i cant be mad at the people for getting pregnant but got it makes me so, so mad. Why does it have to be so hard for some and easy for others....

The other news I got today, is someone that I am quite close to is 3 months pg and having an abortion due to a very sticky situation. I was so hurt she wasnt going to tell me but i got it out of her. The funny thing is Im not mad at her. But i would be if it was anyone else. I guess I love her too much to blame her. I support her in whatever choice she ends up making, as i know its tearing her apart. Shes seen the baby as well which is making her choices even harder. Im not allowed to talk about it with anyone either which makes it harder for me. I need someone to bounce my thoughts off, so bloggily boo thats you.

Only 4 more sleeps till beta. I have, funnily enough coped extremeley well since transfer. I WILL not to a HPT this time. I cant say im calm, as I think about it a few times a day and feel a bit sick about the thought of antoher failure, but im not going off my head like usual. I think im turning bitter.

Today is Mothers day and Hols is being a feral. As I sit here, i can hear her in her room trashing it. She should be sleeping. THis is the second time we have tried today.

signing off
Kaysie

I have been so slack. Keep forgetting to blog then remember when i wake at 3am grr..

Transfer was on sunday. Sadly, the first Embryo didnt defrost so the second one was taken off the ice and is now onboard. Let the countdown begin.

I have a bit of a tale to tell... On sunday morning we got up and went to head to the scrapping shop at Adamstown. Sadly, it wasnt opened:-(( much to my disgust). Just up from the scrap shop I spotted a market fair. It was full of stalls and things of people selling there old stuff, some new things, fruit and vegies and a lady doing tarot readings and stuff. This lady called me over and asked me did I want to select an angel card. So I did. The card I got was Francesca, the exact card I chose during a reading just before my first cycle. The card is pictured over to the side. It rings so true its freaky. I held the card while my transfer was done and have taken it to bed with me each night. I have laid in bed of a night visualising the embryo nuzzling into my womb. I have found it reall relaxing and drifted off into a beautiful sleep. I am actually coping fantastic ( compared to normal) this cycle, except yesterday when i yelled at Hol :-(.

Bye for now
Kaysie

Last week got worse then my last post and by monday it got very messy. But this week things have improved and im feeling better aside from the hormone side effect and having to put up with the idiotic and insensitive comments my frends and family still dish up. grrrr

Today I had bloods done and if I ring in in the morning and my levels are ok, i drop back to one HRT and start the dreaded pessaries. The count down is on , less then a week to transfer. How do I feel? Im not quite sure. If it doesnt work this time i am going to fall in a heap and lose the plot. I cant keep doing this to myself, my family, and my bank balance. But I dont think ill ever get this desire for more kids out of my heart.

Hols talking has just taken off in leaps and bounds this week. Shes raving on about all sorts of things. And has also started sleep talking. Was talking about poppy in her sleep lastnight. He would be impressed. We went to the chiropractor today, and while he was working on me, she stood at my feet and rubbed my leg, and then moved up to my head and brushed my hair. It was so cute... THen when it was her turn, he asked me if I thought she would lay on her tummy this time ( he usually does her sitting on me). I didnt think so, but when I asked her she did exactly what I did and just laid there while he worked on her. It just blew me away. It was adorable. Pity she was a little shit for the rest of the day and drove me crazy.

Really wanted to scrap tonight but bloody big brother went for tooooooooo long and I didnt get any done. I really have to finish my 2nd CJ, it was supposed to be sent of today... arrgghh.. Im hopeless at these things i tell ya....

Bye for now.