Rang the Psych/counsellor today. She cant see me till late January.. GRR I hate living in this place sometimes. GOing to ring GP tommorrow to talk about my meds again. I think i need to go up to my regular dose. I cant keep struggling through each day, each hour, each minute..

A freind of DHs bought Hollie a St George outfit last year but she hasnt really fitted into it. TOday she found it and dressed up in it.... HOw cute does she look.LOL.

Yesterday was jays BIRFDEE ( as hol says)... He turned a big 30.......... so we had a party. It was a nice party but I was disspointed for jay cause all his freinds were gone by 12 and they left and went the pub. He didnt have the money to go plus had heaps of grog.. He kept ringing one of his mates to come back. Made me feel really sad for him , but He tells me he is fine and had a great time. About 20 people less then what we thought were coming came so that was dissapointing too.

As I said Jay rekons he had a great time. I didnt go to bed till 5:30am and he and his mum ( LOL) didnt go to bed till 9am. His dad left at like 10pm and his mum said she would be home later.. She went home about lunch time today..LOL.. I think they both enjoyed spending that time together. Jay was filling her with jack daniels...LOL.

I bought Hol a new dress for the party ( a really summery one). SHe was sooo proud of it, and we kept it a secret from daddy till she was dressed it in. She was so excited to show it off. She told everyone at the party about it.LOL. The problem was it was so bloody cold. I had to put stockings underneath and mum bought her a little crochet cardy but it was still too cold, so she had another jacket over that... Ill add a pic. She was just sooooo cute..

Yesterday I got up at 5am so today im absolutely knackered.. Think im going to head straight to bed now ( well it is 9:45Pm).... Heres a few pics of Daddys bday...............

Jamie felt the baby move for the first time today.. I had to hold my breath and he had to push down on a little ..LOL, but he did feel it..

We went and saw the OB today. He is pretty happy with how bubby and I are going. ( god why do men have the TV so loud GRRR i cant think).....He told me that I have 9 weeks to go till he can reassure me Ill have a baby to bring home.. :( Thats a pretty wierd statment actually considering babies can actually die at all gestations... I guess he was just pointing out that I need to rest to get to that stage for our baby to have a chance. So I need to stop doing so much cause I overdid it on the weekend and I could feel the pressure on my cervix.

When we got home from Tamworth there was a message on the machine from daycare saying a second day is available for hollie.. Now im freaking out.. I know , I know Im a crazy women. But now Im feeling all guilty about her spending 2 days away from me. ARGGHH my mind drives me crazy.. I know we need to do this for this baby in my belly and for us as well but it just freaks me out.

I went out to the studio to test the lights the other day and Hol wouldnt sit there for me to photograph so I had to jump in with her... I look awful.. Didnt even brush my hair.. And why does my face look soooo round when it doesnt in the mirror.. grrrr...

Well its a new day.... HOls is at daycare, and I tell you what it was so hard for me to leave her today ( figure that out). Guess that i just feel like hugging her today cause I feel so bad about yesterday ( not that I did anything wrong- I just find it hard to be so tough, she is my miracle baby after all :( ) Last night I sobbed for hours, then jay came home and as we were going to bed we had a huge fight and i sobbed some more. He just went to sleep, and I ended up sitting up playing with my scrapping till 11:30. I feel like I have such a heavy heart at the moment. Each breath seems so hard to take. I REALLY need to ring that new psych, I have gone so off track.

Enough miserable crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Heres a few pics i took of Missy Manda before she went feral yesterday.

Forgot to say yestserday that Mel sat on the other end of the puter with my mic on so she could help me through hols tantie. It was fantastic and I didnt give it... Thanks mel....

Thanks Chelsea for ringing and checking on me after reading my blog.. Your a darling....Cant wait to catch up again..

Last but NOT AT ALL LEAST....... Im excited to say my great freind Jessica had a baby girl yesterday. Well done Jess, Im so happy for you and your family. She has entered into a beautiful family and Im sure I sisters willl adore her..... Im sorry you didnt get the birth you wanted, but you and bubby are safe and thats all that counts.... Cant wait to hear what name you choose..

Oh god its been such a crappy week that I havent even come in to say I had a scan on Monday... Bubs was well, wiggling around in there and everything seems on track. I hadnt drank enough water so had to drink more and wait. She could get all the measurements without the extra water but she needed to measure my cervix ( really important since I have the stitch).. Hopefully get to pick up scans on Monday and I can scan them in. My 11 week ones are still missing. GRRR.. Ive lost another kilo :(. Down 3 from pre preg.. Guess all that sickness and feeling crap has caused that, its not like I dont have a belly...

Hol has been so bloody naughty the last week and we have both been sick. Yesterday I totally lost my cool and when jay walked in the door I jumped in the car and took off. As I was driving around bawling I was thinking WHAT the hell have I done. I went through so much crap to get pregnant and Im such a bad mother, why the hell would I put another child through that.

TOday wasnt much better with tantrums and tears and screaming. I got through 2 tantrums and didnt give in, Im so proud of myself but out the same time feel like such a shit mum. Hope she didnt go to sleep hating me.. She actually bit me in her tantrum earlier today. It went on for about 45 minutes. It was exhuasting..

I did some painting with her this morning and thought I had put the paints up high enough. I went in my room to get dressed and when i came out I found her looking like this picture. She had it everywhere.

OMG i scrapped.. LOL.. Ive actually been working on this layout for a week or more. Its just soo hard when i dont have anything.. I have redone the word Feral about 5 times LOL..

Bloody little rascal Hollie is... Lastnight we had to take her to the hospital cause I was concerned she might have peumonia, anyway seems its just her asthma on top of a cold and she has 2 yucky ears and swollen glands as well... Today I have the cough and my asthma is playing up....

Anyway, I have to give her the nebuliser 4 hourly and she has screamed and kicked everytime and i have had to hold her there screaming... When DH arrived home after cricket and work ( thought the day would never end) I told him it was his turn to do nebs... YOu know what the little bugger did, she sat up there and kept the mask on.. GRR. I did the same thing as daddy and put the spare mask on and played games.... Little bugger... Here is a pic..(or 2 LOL).

OMG my nose looks pointy in that photo of belly....LOL... DOnt really get to see if from that angle much.

Hols has been really sick with fevers and an awful cough and runny poos. BLERGH.. Only one dr on today so cant get her seen to GRR they told me to go sit at the hospital and wait.. I think Ill leave that till I get desperate.

Im still really worried about the sharing my love thing. I go to bed of a night and thats all I think about. I have been having really bad anxiety attacks again too. Its only of a night when its quite and I have nothing else to think about... HOls has started to call the baby "baby" now instead of jellybean. She keeps kissing my belly and saying, I love you baby. Its very sweet......

I took these pictures of her yesterday when she had one of her energetic spells in between the really sick spells. You can tell shes not very well...

Bye for now

Im 17 weeks today. Only 20.5 to go ( hopefully).. Jamie has already started pointing out how long we have till viable gestation at 24 weeks. I have a photo to show off my growing body. Its so hard taking photos of yourself. LOL...

Not much has happened this last week. HOls is cracking us up with all her new things she knows and says. Talks about shadows non stop and how her shadow follows her everywhere. I even had to give her shadow breakfast the other day. LOL... She talks about what comes from different animals, like wool from sheep and bacon from pigs. Its so cute to hear her talk about those things.

Faith just called and she is having another BOY. YAY that was my guess. Look out phoebe. LOL..

Jay stayed home from work today he has been feeling off since Saturday. Think he will be glad to get back to work tommorrow, Hollie has been very trying today......

I took Roxys kids out into the studio when i was babysitting last week, was the first time I used my new camera in the studio. Heres a few shots. Dont mind Hollie jumping in with her silly glasses on. LOL

Just popped in to share some photos of my dad and Hols. Melts my heart to see the bond those two have. My dad and I havent always gotten on ( we didnt talk for 5 years) but I always knew he was there if I needed him. He adores Hollie so much and she thinks the world of him. What a special bond for them to have. There is a huge series of these photos but I will just share a few