What a week... Ive been so busy.. Tuesday night I did a portrait of my gfs family. Really enjoyed that as I adore the kids lots. She has twins and a son thats 12 motnhs younger. Ive pretty much been there from the twins coming home from hospital so its so nice to watch them grow..Watching the girls together makes me want another girl so much more now. I know that chelsea and Lily are twins so have an extra special bond, but I think it would be so nice for Hol to have a sister....Ill add some pics..
WEdnesday I did some photo shoots at playgroup of the kids dressed up for santa photos. That was exhausting. Then I had to jump in the car and run over to the OB in tamworth. Our air conditioning in the car is broken so It was a very hot drive with it being 38 degrees. I havent been able to walk very well for over a week so had to go over and see the ob. Seems its just the position of the baby pushing on my already deformed spine.. While i was there we talked about my placenta. It is anterior and stiting across my scar at the moment. HE is sending me for a scan in a few weeks and if it hasnt moved it may be growing into the scar. He said if this is the case I will most likely have a hysterectomy at the time of the birth... Im feeling really sad about it all and at the moment just trying not to look to far ahead. I would really like at least one more baby. Bit sad if I have to have that decision made for me...

Anyway Wednesday arvo I was just soo sore and could hardly walk and it was so hot that i couldnt get the energy to drive home. So we ended up going out and staying at mum and dads house. I had NO clothes or anything but it was much better driving back early the next morning before it got to hot.. My nan was also staying at mum and dads cause she had day surgery in Tamworth to get rid of a cataract. She had to go back to see the specialist the next morning and the next we knew she was flown to sydney for emergency surgery. They said it was most probable she would lose her eye. She had got an infection in it.. SHe went in to theatre late thursday night and 4 hours later they finished with her still having her eye. At the moment things are ok.. ( touch wood)....

Ive nearly made 24 weeks. The next 4 weeks are sooo important gestation wise. I just dont feel like we are gonna make it as far as I did with HOls. The pains and pressure in my stitch have started already and I guess cause Im not resting as much as I did with Hol my body is telling me to slow down. SO stupid me goes and says that I will look after my girlfreinds 6 month old baby for 2 days a week till xmas cause she has to go back to work. Jay is not happy at all and told me im not allowed to do it.... Wish I just knew how to say NO...

I became an aunty today to Paige Melissa. Welcome to the world little cherub..... Not sure when I will see her, as they live a couple of ours away and I dont really get on with SIL. She was the one I was upset about being pg back at the start of my blog that takes ( and took while pg) lots of valium and pain killers.....

OMG How much of a poser is my daughter. Here is the photos from our xmas shoot. Shes so adorable I just wanna kiss her...LOL... TOday she was telling me all about how she wants to do tap dancing when she kids older. She is an absolute cakc with an awesome personality.. Her fave thing at the moment is doing jokes on us.. Today I asked her to bring me the phone and she said NO then she got it and said JUST JOKIN..... Shes a cack..

Help me choose which one for xmas cards...

OMG I have been so slack..... Have felt a tad exhausted and overwhelmed in the last week. Baby is kicking like crazy and I have had awful insomnia. Im back up on my tablets and feeling a LOT better. I havent been losing my cool with Hollie as much and just feeling ok about things in general. Just which the tiredness would leave me alone..

Hollie is so funny lately. She really does have an amazing personality. The things she comes out with blow me away.. Her new favourite words are "im excited" and "thats isgusting (disguting). Her TT is going pretty well atm. Very few accidents, which is probably keeping me a tad calmer as well...

Here is a picture my dad took of my belly last week. Im so slack that I havent even taken one for this week.... Promise to keep up again now...


I nearly forgot to add my LO that I finished early this week. I think i wrecked it withe journalling.. Oh well another one done... Feel like it needs something else in this top corner but cant get anything to look right...

Happy Anniversary to Jay and I today.... 6 years ago today I walked down the aisle....

Hols had another asthma attack today. Poor little thing. She couldnt even speak cause she was out of breath. I gave her the nebuliser at home but that didnt seem to help so had to take her to hospital. They stuck her on the nebuliser again twice in about half hour and her stats started to get a little better. We are on 2 hourly nebs atm... But at least we got to come home. If she gets anyworse I have to take her back... She is off her face from all the ventolin and is still wide awake at 10:40. Guess that means Jay and I wont be having any cuddle time tonight ( we cant have sex till the baby is here cause of the stitch so thats out of the question).

Now I have made the decision about the meds I feel sooo much better already. Today HOls and I had a tummy buggy thing.. blergh. I had sooo much I needed to do today. GRR. Tommorrow Mum and Dad are coming over and we are taking Mum and Nan out for the bdays. Tommorrow is also our 6 year wedding anniversary...OMG how fast did that go....

THought I would add a pic of me when I first started on my Meds 6 years ago.. I had lost soo much weight from the anxiety and panic attacks. I was a very sick girl. This was at BILS wedding. I look at this picutre and it reminds me of what Jay has been through with me. He was so patient through those awful months where I couldnt function. The night time trips to hospital, the phone calls of panic while he was at work. I put him through a lot of crap, and he stayed. He hates this picture. He hates the fact I got so thin and was so ill.

OK I have 2 great things that have made my day...

1. I got through to talk to someone about my meds from mother safe which is at Royal hospital for women in sydney. She was fantastic.. She did bring up about the new findings on aropax and birth defects ( which is the reason I have issues with it this time) but she said that is mainly if taken in the first trimester and the defect they are talking aobut is a hole in the heart. I also asked about all Hollies issues and she assured me it wasnt from taking the aropax. She said that Aropax is the safest drug fro breastfeeding, so that helped with my fear of it going through the milk making the baby unsettled.

I guess Im so terrified of having another really awful baby that screams 24/7 and want to do all I can to reduce that. I know that HOllie has reflux and that was and Is her main problem. The lady told me My AD's would NOT cause reflux. My gp did say I could go up when I asked awhile ago but it was more like a " Yeah whatever". I wanted someones opinion and the reasons. Now I have it.. Ive made the decision to go back up. I will go up slowly to 3/4 for a few days then Ill increase back to a full tablet.. THis is the Ph number for that place in case I or anyone else needs it 1800647848

2. A gorgeous girl called pauline from EB sent me a package of scrapping goodies today. I had No idea they were coming so did NOT expect it at all. Im blown away by her and the other girls on EB's generosity. Her parcel came on a day where I hadnt stopped crying and made my day so more cheery........ How will i ever repay all these beautiful women.......

Thanks for all your feedback on the meds. I appreciate it..

ARGGGHHHH I cannot do this shit anymore... I dont know where to start or how to say any of this. But im not coping. I need to go up to full dose on my Anti depressants but Im freaking out, I just want someone to tell me, YES DO IT.. Why am I having issues with it? I took them while I was pg with Hollie. But now Im wondering if she was such a shit baby cause of the AD's. I know she has bad reflux but what IF? I wasnt even told to go down, I just did myself. SO what is my issue.....

DH asks, Why cant I just be happy? I dont bloody know. If I did I would be. I dont want to be like this. I know Im much better then I was back 6 years when I first had my breakdown and was agorphobic. I know I have come such a long way. But I need help and there is nothing available till next year. I need to get back on track with my thoughts. I need that extra half a tablet.

I want to enjoy Hollie and DH and the pregnancy. I want that soooo much. I dont want to fight with Jay every day. I dont want to scream at HOllie. I grabbed her sooo hard yesterday cause I was just losing it. She said I hurt her :(. I dont want to do that. Shes my gorgeous gal I love her. The day before she accidently hit me with a toy and I ripped it out of her hand and through it across the room. She started crying and told me I scared her.. What sort of a mum am I.

I scored 25 on the edinburugh scale yesterday :(....