Ok its day 3 of my embies lives, and I have an update....

I have 2x good ones (8 cell 9 cell) 2 xwhich are fair (8 cell) x2 poor (5 and 6....)

Nurse tells me the 2 poor ones arent likely to make it and the fair ones are starting to expand and collapse. So hopefully those 2 good ones are real good ones..

Please please please please please let it be my turn...........Ill do anything. How sad that i have resorted to begging. Nothing else is working.

We are off down to Newy again in the morning. HOls coming with us and we will stay with uncle James. Dont know how Im gonna feel about pregnant Aunty Lee, but i guess ill just have to deal with it..

Seeya when i get back with embie on board. THen the horrid 2ww. Decided lastnight I would rather go through egg pick up every day then the 2ww. I hate it...

We are home ( for a few days anway). I had egg collection yesterday, got 7 eggs. Not as many as we had hoped for with the drug increase, but better then none. My left side had bigger follicles then the right side this time. The only problem is the left side is so much harder to get to. Dr woolcott went in twice but then decided he couldnt put me through any more on that side. That is the side where we have to go to my stomach to get the eggs. Its a lot of layers of muscle. My tummy is soooo bloody sore. I can hardly walk.

Hols is doing ok. Started to drop her ventolin back a bit today. It has been 4 puffs 4 hourly but just starting to drop it back a bit. ANd she was on prendosine for 4 days and also antibiotics for her ear and chest. These are a couple of pics of her in hospital... she Looked so little in that humungus bed. She was such a good girl when they were doing her obs. Besides the screaming and carrying on with the mask and the oxygen she was pretty good all round. Her oxygen stats at one stage on Thursday were down to 87 which was less then when i took her in, but half hour later after ventolin it was back up to 97. Im so sad that she had to get this awful family disease, but I guess I should have just expected that when there is so many of us with it, on both sides.. I just hope she doesnt get it as bad as Jamies mum has it.

I missed her sooo much when we were away and we spent a lot of time cuddling today. I cried most of the way to Newcastle. The night before i sat at her bed just watching her breath. I was so exhausted. Mum and dad are exhausted from having her for the 4 days but I think they enjoyed it. Was a lot to ask of mum with all the medications as well....

bye for now.

OH GAWD. What a night. The most ridiculous time for it to happen. Hol and i spent last night in hospital. I took Hols up cause I thought she sounded croupy. When i got there they thought she might have pneumonia so did X rays and they were clear. She has now been diagonsed with asthma. What a Lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggg bloody night.... She is on heaps of medication....

On other news, Jay and I are leaving to go down to newy at the crack of dawn tommorrow for IVF. SUpposed to be staying till Monday but dont know if I will be able to stay away that long from Hols. She is staying with Mum and dad starting tommorrow. I have given mum all the instructions of what drugs when, god love her....

Im absolutely exhausted....................

bye for now.

Well, Injections have started. GOing ok for now. At least I feel like im doing something when I stab myself every night. Just reading a thread on EB Titled " what has infertility and Assisted conception taught you? " I just feel like im sitting here nodding my head at all of them. I really like this paragraph.

I think one of the main things i have learnt is that something so simple like "im thinking of you" or "im here if you need to talk" can mean the world. I used to think it was a bit overrated. Now it means the difference between feeling supported or feeling let down by someone.

THought it might be thereputic to write my list down...

*That I hate my body more than I could possibly have imagined.
*That fertility is taken for granted
*That I really do have it in me to be terribly bitter.
*Many people don't have a clue
*I never thought I would resent someone for being pg
*I cry for no reason at all.
*You find out who your REAL friends are.
*Drugs are just a part of life.
*"Guess What", "Just Relax", "Don't Think about it", "It will Happen", "Take a holiday" & "You'll be OK", are phrases that I can't stand.
*That infertility is a lonely road and not very many people 'get it'.

Signing off

I am so pissed off....... i cant fucking beleive what the arse hole has done this time. We had money in our bank account from medicare to pay off IVF. Went to check it this morning and Jamie spent $698 on fucking alcohol. I cant beleieve it. I cant stop crying at the utter waste. Our fucking duaghter misses out on stuff and he fucking wastes it shouting his mates. OMG im soooooooooooooooooooooooooo god damn mad. I need to hit something. Now I cant go to acupuncture tommorro either or chiro today.....I just cant see straight im so angry. If i fucking spent that on scrap booking what would happen? OMG i still cant beleive he could do that to us, our family.....

Took Hol to see Dorothys dance party today. She wasnt as excited about the whole experience as I thought she would be. I guess she was more awestruck then anything else. Just stared at the stage. DIdnt really get excited. All ended up a big rush since my car broke down in Tamworth and didnt get it back going till 10:40am, Dorothy started at 11:30, and Tamworth is an hour away.. Grr I drove the fastest I ever have in my life and then got stopped for a breath test on my way in to town which took up 5 minutes.... Lucky they didnt get my for speeding actually, since they were sitting around a corner that I was doing 100klm in and should have been 50klm

Last night I sobbed my little heart out. Actually all weekend I have been. Lastnight Dad told me that he rekons my scrapping is crap and he thinks its messy. We were talking about how im such a perrfectionist anal about everything including my scrapping. I said " so you dont like the brag book i made you" and he said " no, i couldnt beleive you gave it to me like that", OMFG i burst into tears and went and ripped the canvas off the wall I had made them and ripped up a scrapping page I had done in a frame for him for his bday. These were things I spent HOURS on..

He also rekons he knows all about IVF and the way I think about things is ridiculous and the hormones have nothing to do with how I am, thats just me, blah blah blah.... grrrr. I have never cried as hard as I did last night. I feel so lonely, unsupported, unloved, outcast, heart broken, defective. I hate feeling this way.....

Jays at the pub, Havent really seen him since Thursday, would have been nice for him to come home and spend time with his daughter. He was going to be home at 6:00 and its now nearly 8:00. What a wanker. You would think of all the stuff I spilled to him lastnight he would want to come home to be with me when he knows how im feeling. I guess not.

I took a few pics of my grogeous gal over at Kims house the other day on Tonys SLR.... How grown up is she? :-(

In Tamworth at mum and dads at the moment. Not doing so well. Its getting really tough again and Im not coping. Dad says he understands how i feel, How the fuck would he know? has he done IVF. NOOOOOOOO.. Feeling so isolated and alone.

Did a bit of shopping this weekend with money that I didnt have. Didnt buy anything for ME once again it was stuff for HOllie. GOt her the cutest pair of slipper ugg boot things and some new sneakers, and a new lunch thingy that she thinks is fantastic. Only cost me 3 bucks. Oh I did buy something for me. I was DESPERATE for a new bra. The one I have been wearing ( i only have 1) is so tight it creaks when I move. So uncomfy. Got the lady to measure me up properly and Im a 16 E not a D Like i have been wearing LOL. Bras are so pricey, Hate wasteing money on them but gotta keep these huge boobs from touching the ground somehow..

Jays baseball carnval is on this weekend but it hasnt stopped raining. Which is fantastic as we are back in the midst of drought but not good for the baseball. Hol is fascinated with the rain. Suppose you would be if you had only seen it twice in your life.

I have cried myself to sleep the last two nights and spent a lot of today in bed when not shopping. Why cant I cope with this? Im strong... I guess i get sick of people asking me when we are going to have another baby then saying to HOllie. You would like a brother or sister wouldnt you. Or telling me I should have twins next. grrrr Its just so frustrating. The amount of women I saw today with a toddler and really pg was amazing. Every single one of them I just stared and thought, I wonder if you know how lucky you really are that that comes natural for you. That is so bad, I dont want to think like that... arrgghhh hormones leave my body before I explode. Still on synarel but will start injections about Thursday I think.......

Bye for now.

Feeling really pissed at fertiles at the moment... The naievity of the conception process. The joking, the taunting, the stupid comments. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Hols in daycare today for the WHOLE day, How exciting for mummy. Havent really done anything real constructive. Tracey did my eyebrows ( which looked a lot like agros) then we went for a walk. Been trying to find some mojo to scrap since getting home but it isnt coming..

UPDATE: picked Hol up from daycare. She was still asleep when I got there. THey said she went down really easy. I cant beleive it. And also ate everything I packed for her to eat which was HEAPS. Cant believe how much she has grown up.

She has been taking her tablet by herslef. I dont have to hide it anymore... YIPEEE. SHould have just asked her did she want to take it months ago. WOuld have been a lot easier. We have a little song and dance to celebrate afterwards. She thinks it is great. Here is a picture of her at the celebration afterwards...

Im so proud of her......................

Bye for now